OUR TINDER MATCH PERCENTAGE WAS 99%. THE 1% ALMOST KILLED US

The First Red Flag

The app said we were "basically soulmates" – 99% compatibility, shared obsession with pineapple pizza, and matching Friends quotes in our bios. But when Jake showed up for our first date wearing the exact same obscure band tee I’d thrifted that morning, I should’ve run.

Instead, I kissed him against the diner’s jukebox. His lips tasted like spearmint and déjà vu.

The Second Red Flag

We discovered the 1% mismatch the hard way:

Me: "I’d totally survive a zombie apocalypse."

Him: Loading shotgun under the table "Baby, I pray for one."

Turns out, Jake wasn’t just a charming barista – he was ex-special forces with a penchant for doomsday prepping. Our one incompatibility? I trust people. He trusts no one.

The Third Red Flag

Our "romantic" cabin getaway ended with:

A bear trap (his "surprise")

My panicked 911 call (intercepted by his paranoid hacker friend)

The actual FBI raid (over his "harmless" dark web searches)

As agents swarmed the property, Jake tossed me a grenade (confetti, thankfully) and yelled: "NOW YOU SEE WHY I STOCKPILE!"

The Truth in the Safehouse

Handcuffed together in a government van, I finally asked: "Why’d you swipe right?"

Jake’s thumb brushed my pulse point. "Your profile said, ‘I’ll steal your hoodies.’ Needed tactical intel."

Then he kissed me like the world was ending.

Epilogue: 100% Match

Now we’re that annoying couple who:

Take survivalist camping trips (I pack wine, he packs C4)

Argue over his "excessive" motion-sensor lights (they’ve caught 3 raccoons!)

Have a joint FBI file ("Most chaotic romance we’ve ever monitored")

Tinder says we’re 99% compatible.

But it’s the 1% that keeps me addicted.

"Would YOU date someone with a FBI watchlist? (Asking for Jake.)"

Want Jake’s paranoid POV or a bonus chapter where they escape Guantanamo? Let me know! 🔐