Open Windows

She got into her room and immediately shut the curtains and locked the door. Had she done the right thing? She had been over it dozens of times with her therapist. She could leave the house for a trip, she was capable, she was more powerful than she gave her self credit. Yet as she slid down the wall, defeated, she felt like nothing more than a crumpled up piece of paper.

Vivienne hadn't always been defined by her mental health, especially not the agoraphobia. She remembered a time in her life when she wasn't tied down by rules and intrusive thoughts. She remembered when trips were an escape to have fun, not an escape from the world she'd built up as her safe space. Her safe space was suffocating her, and her therapist urged her to do something brave for herself. So here she was, in Fiji, a place so beautiful she couldn't even form proper thoughts to describe it, panicking.

She went through her list of things to help ground herself in her mind, but every time she opened her eyes and realized she wasn't in her safe space, she panicked again. She took a deep breath and exhaled slowly through pursed lips. She couldn't spend her entire vacation like this. She'd already spent too much time crying in an airplane bathroom, what good was it going to do her on the floor of a gorgeous hotel room? She'd used a good chunk of her savings to treat herself to something special, and she was determined to continue fighting her mind to enjoy it.

She got herself up off the floor and decided to fill the quiet of the room with chatter from the television as she unpacked her things and attempted to get settled. She sat herself on the bed for a moment and idly flipped through one of the hotel booklets, and noticed some of the pastries offered in the hotel cafe. Sometimes a chocolate croissant could seem like more than just a sweet treat, and in this moment it felt like an extra reward for the stress she was swimming circles in. Not to mention a rose macaron or two. She thought about merely calling room service, but she was also trying to find her bravery. She slipped her shoes back on, grabbing her room key & wallet before nearly forcing herself out the door.

One step after the other, she told herself. A mantra of sorts. She found her way down to the lobby, following the signs to the cafe she was interested in. There was only a couple talking quietly in corner, but otherwise the cafe was empty. A few employees buzzed around the counter, doing what they could to fill the quiet time of the mid-afternoon.

A young man with a round face and warm smile took her order, quickly handing over her croissant, macarons and cup of coffee. She dared herself to remain in the calm of the cafe, and not retreat to her room. Vivienne took a corner seat opposite the couple deep in conversation and slowly sipped her coffee. She unwrapped the paper enveloping her croissant to take a bite and let the flaky buttery pastry melt in her mouth. She didn't know she had to come to Fiji to taste a croissant this incredible, and she couldn't help but take another bite. She finished her croissant in a powdered sugar sprinkled bliss and decided to savor the macarons later. She absolutely had to tell the staff that the coffee and croissant were delightful, and wanted to take advantage of how courageous she was feeling in the moment. She hadn't exactly gone out of her way to eat something she'd never tried before, but every baker had their own way of making even the most classic treats.

The cheerful round faced young man was delighted by her kindness, and asked her to wait a moment as he went to grab one of the pastry chefs. A moment passed and a petite woman emerged with a grin on her face.

"Thanks so much for your support," she began, and Vivienne tried to place her accent. Something almost Australian, or perhaps New Zealand. She watched her lips as she spoke, going into careful detail about how she prepared each treat as if it were going to be shown in the louvre. Vivienne could feel a warmth coming over her cheeks as she studied the smaller woman's beauty. She was now saying something about how important it is to help people feel something with their food, and Vivienne was starting to feel a lump in her own throat.

"Oh! I'm...ridiculous. My name is Stella!" She laughed, holding out a hand.

Vivienne smiled, "I can see that." She laughed as she pointed to her name tag. Stella chuckled at herself and shook her head in spite of herself.

"I'm Vivienne...It's nice to meet you."

She swallowed down the lump in he throat, and took pride in how social she was being. The two engaged in small talk a little more before a few people wandered into the cafe after a day on the beach.

Vivienne started to excuse herself but Stella touched her shoulder gently, "If you don't have any plans tonight, I'd love to meet up for dinner and show you around? If that's not being too pushy..."

Vivienne was almost startled by the contact but smiled and nodded, "When are you free?"

"Meet me here, right outside the cafe at 7?"

Vivienne bobbed her head yes at the suggestion, "Perfect."

She left Stella to attend to the new group of costumers with her fellow staff, and quickly found herself in her room in a sort of social daze. Was this why they called them social butterflies? Flying around, floating on words and connection? She flopped onto the bed after setting her things on the bedside table and closed her eyes. One step after the other. Stella spoke with a brightness about her that could rival the sun, she was confident but also had a silliness about her that couldn't keep a smile off of Vivienne's face. In a few moments of conversation, they'd already made a connection and she couldn't help but feel proud of herself for going down to the cafe and not just locking herself in the room and ordering in.

Vivienne decided to take a bath as another reward for getting out of her room, as well as knocking out some prep for the night later. She did some grounding work and collected her thoughts, memorizing how Stella made her feel and categorizing it in her mind as something wonderful and worthwhile. She pulled out a sundress she had unpacked earlier and tugged it on before pulling her hair back into a ponytail. She made sure the charm on her favorite necklace was front and center and checked the time before heading out the door.

The butterflies in her stomach had turn into a buffalo stampede, and she was doing everything in her mental power to keep herself calm. Stella was exactly where she’d said she would be, waiting patiently outside the cafe with a warm smile on her face.

“Shall we?” She asked, motioning to her left. Vivienne nodded, following Stella to an oceanside eatery, a table saved for them. Stella was good friends with the sous chefs and they gladly grabbed them a prime spot for the night to really enjoy the beach & ocean views.

Stella didn’t seem interested in small talk, instead jumping into the heavy hitters like what movies make Vivienne laugh or cry the most. She was curious yet compassionate, and Vivienne found herself really opening up to Stella steadily.

Stella didn’t seem interested in small talk, instead jumping into the heavy hitters like what movies make Vivienne laugh or cry the most. She was curious yet compassionate, and Vivienne found herself really opening up to Stella steadily.

They shared a delicious meal and flavors danced on both of their palettes. Cassava, coconut and taro met in dishes with chicken, fish and jackfruit. Spices elevated the most simple flavors to something truly special, and the duo often had to pause their conversation to remark over the delights at their table.

They let their food settle and slowly sipped at two glasses of wine, finding anything and everything to talk about. Vivienne learned that Stella ended up settling in Fiji because she’d made such connections with a group of kids at an orphan’s home visiting with some friends. Her friends had regularly donated supplies to the kids, and Stella found herself wanting to do even more. When a pastry chef opportunity opened at one of the more popular resort hotels, she jumped at the chance and couldn’t believe that she actually landed it. She said she’d always been a bit nomadic, first growing up in Brisbane, Australia but wandering once she finished school. Fiji was where she’d decided to settle for the time being, and she was content with her decision.

There was one thing that Stella said that really struck Vivienne, she her mind kept going back to it.

“Sometimes you have to close doors in life but you’ve got to at least leave a window open. Then, there’s always a way for the right people to find you.”

After wine and the bill, which Stella insisted on paying, the pair found themselves with their toes in the sand, walking and pointing out stars in night sky. Vivienne had been so distracted by Stella and their talks, that she had let her anxiety sit passenger seat for once instead of taking the wheel.

After their walk, their fingertips danced together and interlocked, and they held hands back to the hotel. Nothing too rushed or forced, flowing like a river that rerouted to where it had always meant to be. Their energies connected in the right ways, like two puzzle pieces locking together. They made plans for a breakfast date the next morning, and Stella left Vivienne with a soft kiss on the cheek and a see you in the morning, she stated that it wasn’t time for any sort of Goodbye just yet.

Vivienne let herself into her room and smiled to herself. For the first time in a long time, she felt alive. She didn't feel like a zombie, just going through the motions of life. Stella lit a spark in her and she hoped she could keep the fire blazing, ready to take on what the universe had in store for them.

She let out a happy sigh, and went to one of the windows of the room, opening the curtains and looking out at the ocean. She turned the lock and slid the window open a bit to hear the waves hit the shore.

She stood for a few moments, collecting her thoughts in little jars and putting them on the shelf of her mind. She raised her hand to close the window and then realized how many doors she had closed in her life.

She could leave the window open a bit longer, for Stella, but most importantly, for herself.