open when (i'm gone)

"I've lived a full life, Cal."

"Not full enough."

"Aww, don't say that. I got married to you, didn't I? That's more than enough for me."

"But still—"

"Eh, I'm happy. But anyway, here—I've written you a box full of letters. Open When ones, specifically. You know how these work, right?”

"Haaah, really? You're on your literal deathbed and you still wrote these for me?"

"Yep, so don’t let my labour go to waste!"

~

"I'm so sorry, Callum."

~

Open when I’m gone

I’m sorry, Callum.

I’m sorry at how I left you so early. We were supposed to have a long life together, a life full of smiles and warmth.

I’m sorry I could barely do anything with you in my final few months. The hospital was a brutal place and I know you hated it there.

I’m sorry it took me so long to confess to you. Maybe then we would’ve had more time.

I’m sorry for pulling all those pranks on you when we were younger. I didn’t know how else to get your attention. I was immature, a child who didn’t know what to do with himself.

I’m sorry for everything, Cal.

Don’t cry too much, okay? Don’t hurt too much for me.

I’ll love you forever, even from the grave.

Yukuaki

~

Callum oh so desperately wanted to talk to Yukuaki one more time.

To tell him he had nothing to be sorry about. Everything that happened was outside his control.

To tell him that he would’ve willingly followed him to the ends of the earth, and that the hospital was nothing.

To tell him that even the pranks were fond memories of their childhood, and he would’ve done anything, anything, to bite into a bun, only to discover a jueyun chili; to walk for hours, only to discover that the anonymous tip was completely false.

To tell him that it was impossible for him to not hurt so much.

But he would never be able to say anything to Yukuaki again.

~

Open when it’s our anniversary

First anniversary without me, huh? It must feel rather strange, celebrating it alone.

I remember our wedding as clear as anything—how could I not? It was the happiest day of my life. The laughter, the dancing, our friends simultaneously cheering and crying—I hold these memories close to my heart.

And you, Cal. Nothing could express the absolute joy I felt when I looked at you that day. I swear, my heart was full to bursting. It was like I was a teenager again, filled with love and giddiness when you said you liked me back. I have no idea how I managed to marry someone like you.

And our anniversaries—we didn’t have nearly enough, but sometimes I couldn't even believe we had them. The fact that we could track how long we had been married with years—it was mind-blowing. I wish I could still be there with you to mark another.

Don’t reminisce with tear-stained glasses on, okay? Those were times of happiness.

I’ll love you forever, even if only in your memory.

Yukuaki

~

Callum remembered their wedding day too. And he tried, he tried so hard, but he couldn’t keep the tears at bay. Every second of those memories hurt so much, he couldn’t bring himself to keep thinking back.

I’m sorry, Yukuaki. They say time heals all wounds. Maybe one day I’ll be able to look back with a smile on my face.

~

Open when it’s my birthday

My dear Cal. Could I ask you to do me a favour? Enclosed in this envelope is the sequel to the book I wrote all those years ago. Take it to Tokyo and hand it to Miko Publishing House. They should be glad to see it.

Thank you for sticking by me when I was writing it. I think it was much better than the first book I wrote, purely because you were around to help me.

And, of course, thank you for stopping me from killing off all the characters when I was in bad mental states. Thank you so, so much for helping me through it all.

I never got around to publishing the book myself. Now, I guess, it’s too late. Please do it for me instead, Callum. Don’t worry about getting me a gift and putting it on my grave, okay? This is the best thing you could do for me.

I’ll love you forever, to the end of time.

Yukuaki

~

That letter was much thicker than the others. With a trembling hand, Callum carefully pulled out the many sheets of paper that held the contents of his lover's book's unpublished sequel.

For my dearest Callum, who stuck with me during my worst times. I’ll love you forever, no matter what happens.

~

Open when you miss me

I hate that I made you hurt, Callum. Even though I’m still here as I write this, I’m missing you desperately. I cannot fathom how I would cope if you were no longer by my side.

But Cal, you’re stronger than me. You always were, and it’s one of the many, many things I love about you.

Keep living for me. Think about me with love and happiness, not tears and regret. Be glad of the time we spent together; don’t cry because we didn’t have more.

Don’t read this letter too much, okay? Go out there and face the world with a smile.

I’ll love you forever, even if it hurts.

Yukuaki

~

Despite what Yukuaki had written, that letter was the one Callum opened the most. It was short, but he brought it out every time, despite having it committed to memory. He would trace the swirls and loops of Yukuaki’s handwriting, carving the letters into his mind. Many would’ve said the script was messy, illegible, but Callum thought it was beautiful. He could’ve recognized it anywhere.

He would’ve given anything to see it fresh, ink still glistening on paper.

~

Open when it’s Lunar New Year Festival

Ah, the Lunar New Year Festival. This is where everything began.

Remember how I confessed to you in front of Mao Restaurant? I was planning to do it at the actual harbour, but the fireworks started and I panicked and blurted it all out. In front of Xyla’s restaurant, no less. I was slightly disappointed, but it seemed that you didn’t even care. I'll forever treasure the way your eyes lit up and how your face flushed, and how you told me that you liked me too. I’ll always remember the excitement and delight that bloomed in my chest that moment.

We were nothing more than children back then, but my feelings haven’t changed since that night. If anything, they’ve gotten stronger. If we meet in another life, Callum, I’ll only love you more.

I’ll love you forever, and nothing can ever change that.

Yukuaki

~

Callum remembered, obviously he remembered. He remembered how jittery Yukuaki had been before then, how he had blurted out the words, how his eyes widened when he realised what he’d done, and how shock and ecstacy had thrummed through his veins when his brain registered the fact that Yukuaki liked him too.

The fireworks had seemed so much brighter that night.

~

Open when it’s your 50th birthday

You have officially lived more time without me than with me. 25 years, huh?

I wish I could’ve grown old with you. We could’ve been one of those wholesome elderly couples that still does everything together. But no, I had to go and die at the ripe old age of 24.

I don’t think the last year of my life even counted, though. It was nothing but a blur of hospital trips, dread, and bad news. So, maybe, my proper life ended at 23.

Do you still miss me? Love me? I sincerely hope that you do, but I can’t blame you if you don’t. 25 years is a long time for feelings to last. But just know that I’ll love you forever with every fibre of my very being, and no stretch of time will ever change that.

I’ll love you forever, even if you don’t love me anymore.

Yukuaki

~

Of course Callum still loved him. He was almost angry at Yukuaki for suggesting otherwise.

Even after all these years—

After countless mornings of saying ‘good morning’ only to be met with silence, then crushing realisation,

After all the birthdays celebrated, two per year, each one reminding Callum of how much time had passed without Yukuaki,

After many, many nights filled with tears, regret, anger, sadness, pain,

—he still felt a deep ache in his chest whenever he thought about him. But now, at least, he could go through his memories with a smile on his face instead of tears.

~

I’ll love you forever, Yukuaki. Just wait for me.