Open the Barn Doors!

What it means to Soar

“There’s nothing left we can do for her.”, the doctor said down the hall. I could hear my mother crying and the quiver in my father’s speech as he spoke in intervals acknowledging that he heard what was being relayed to him. I looked out the window at the sun beaming through the window, it’s rays were wide and long as if to lay down a path for me to escape from here. Pain was my constant companion and it’s eager best friend was the demoralizing look everyone had when they came to see me. Since I can remember, my family looked at me with this saddening look and they spoke as though I may never hear their voice again.

They spoke often of this mythical recovery and the heroine version of me that would find it. However, I know more than the doctor’s do that I will not see another week in this life. I wish there was a way to convince everyone to stop trying to prevent the inevitable and just spend time with me for once. Time was escaping me and I knew that I did not have much left to give them. If it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t have made it this far.

People often speak of a light at the end of the tunnel that graces us with its presence the moment death comes knocking at the door. I hope what they say is true. I want to feel the warmth on my face and know that the pain will be no more. My mother will finally be able to properly grieve me and move on to continue working as a Nurse and my father can go back to his testosterone filled hobbies to escape the pain.

They both will need time to transition but I know for sure they will find each other again like they did before I came into this world. They’re the lucky ones, dubbed by all who knew them. They possessed a love story so strong and sound. I was the only kink in their perfect chain. Because of me they’ve experienced years of rainy days. The truth is, I was the lucky one. I was born into a family that loved each other so much and married on purpose. They even had me on purpose which is different than the norm these days. My mom was a city girl and my dad a country bumpkin who couldn’t hold a candle to the likes of her but he sure as heck did try. He tried so hard that city girl left the concrete jungle for the country side.

A year later they had me. I was a normal baby for the first five years of my life. The best of my days began the night I found a beautiful white barn owl caught in some old cables in the barn. He was injured. I didn’t quite know how to help him and I didn’t want to get in trouble so I didn’t tell my father. I just snuck some of my food and fed it everyday.

Then, one night, my mother noticed I had been frequenting the barn more so than usual. We didn’t have any livestock and the barn had been unoccupied for years. She sent my father out to the barn to investigate and there it was this beautiful and magnificent creature. I cried asking if we could keep it and he eventually agreed after setting it free from the cables. I had closed the doors so that the owl wouldn’t fly away and to my surprise it didn’t. It flew onto an old shelf and stared at me. My father approached it slowly and raised his hand to pet it on the head. The owl loved it. It was as if the owl was thankful for his rescue. Mother bandaged it’s wound. I was tasked with taking care of it and everyday I did just that.

My father strung up lights all over the barn as though it was the night sky. I would bring my toy airplane and flew it as it flew around the barn. I ran around in circles to watch his head follow my every rotation. I even named him Leo. But then one day, Leo got better and he kept trying to fly out of the barn door. There were plenty of places for him to fly out of but the door that I had shut was the one he was looking to leave from. My father had to explain that something this beautiful was not meant to be left in a cage but set free. That the bird had stayed and continues to stay because of our love for it but now it is trying to tell us that it is time for us to let it go.

I didn’t want to let go. I wasn’t ready. So a few days passed and the owl stopped being responsive. It was almost like it began to get sick. I had no choice because I wanted it to be free and happy. So, In the morning, I walked into the barn greeting Leo as his eyes greeted me with a smile and a question. In response, I raised my arm encouraging Leo to hold onto my arm and he did. The closer I walked towards the door, the bigger his eyes got. I gave him a pat on the head and with tears in my eyes, I let Leo go. He soared into the morning sky like a cloud. It flew with excitement circling and catching the wave of the air as it lowered him and picked him up higher. It was the most beautiful sight, to see Leo in his full form allowed to spread his wings and soar. I haven’t seen him since I got sick…

Six days passed and the doctors knew that it was time. People from my life came in and out to say their goodbyes and I had put on a brave face for when it was time to say goodbye to my mother and father. They both fell asleep on each side of the bed holding my hands. My breathing was shortening and my mother threw herself into panic as my father tried his best to keep a strong face for us both. I pulled all the strength I had to pull my mask off and whisper to my father. “Do you remember Leo?”, I asked. “Yes, of course I do. We will buy you an owl. I promise, if you just stay with us.”, he begged. “Father, I… I’m trying to fly out the barn doors.”, I whispered. He didn’t understand and looked around the room as if he was trying to find the answer. “I could of flown away this entire time, but I stayed because I loved you both so much. I can’t be ready to go unless you open the doors father.” My mother began to sob begging for me to reconsider. “I can’t be free here mother.”, I whispered as my eyes began to weigh heavier. “Please mother…”, I whispered. In that moment m, the sun came in the room and a shadow over head flew into the light casting its form for a few seconds. My parents began to cry as my friend Leo was calling me home, to fly away and be free.

My mother looked at my father, “… but we love you so much.” “I know…. Aren’t I the lucky one….”, I replied. And with a deep breath and a smile my mother and father held tightly to my hand as they ushered me into the light with their last words. “Till we see you again, soar as high as you possibly can.”…..

………………………. and I did. And though my passing was hard on them, they found a way to live through this life. They had more children and each were loved as I was. Raised in the strong winds of love and the turbulence of an unpredictable life, we all live to find the light in each other and we also wait until the ones we love can open the door for us to soar. Allow us to soar in memory, ambition, love, mistakes and unimaginable adventures. Open the barn doors!