One Perception of life

I never wanted this….

A decision that would affect so many people, is now mine to make and I do not know what to do.

*8 days earlier*

“Hey everyone! I hope you all are having a great morning. I am still in therapy, and I am feeling down today like more than usual. It has already been 17 years of going through counselor after counselor and I do not feel any different. All the different meds I have tried are only making me worse or causing crazy side effects and long-term damage to my organs. Some people will never know what depression feels like, but I thought I might be able to share my experience.

Picture yourself in a cell with a small, locked window and a door locked from the outside. Now picture that cell floating in darkness in a part of your mind. You can see out the window. Out the window you see an open door quite some distance away and on the other side of that door is all the people you care about that want to help you. They all try to throw you a rope and it hits the outside of the cell door but there is no way to grab it. You have the key to the door but no way to give it to someone to help. Your friends have no idea that the door is locked from the outside. Now you feel hopeless and continue to live on in your cell not knowing how to help others understand what is going on.

Sorry, that was such a long explanation, but I hope it helps everyone to get an idea of what this is like for me or help others going through the same thing feel like they are not alone.

(Ring, ring) (Lunchtime in 5 minutes)

They are calling me to lunch, chat with you all later.”

-hang in there Elle!

-This made me so sad, I am sorry

-I know how you feel ☹

-Honestly, I do not understand any of this, but I hope you figure it out.

When lunch ends, we usually go back to sitting in a circle with the group and talking about whatever is bothering us. There is 9 of us in total. I am the only one with depression so I vlog on break time to try to connect.

There is Wendy and she comes here to talk about basically her fear to live her life as I would describe it. She is a tall black woman, a little on the heavy side but she is very beautiful, and I do not just mean by appearance, she is probably the kindest soul you will ever meet. She always wears floral dresses and brings a plant to the sessions.

Sara- She comes to talk about her emotionally abusive relationship she is in but too afraid to leave because she has a child with the guy. Sara is a dainty German woman with a super classy style, she always looks like she is ready for an interview.

Dave- He has a smile so beautiful you cannot help but smile back, very handsome with a superhero chin. He comes for his anxiety. He is very closed minded, does not like things to change and thinks his mom is an expert in all things, life. He lives for approval of others.

Kaara- She is a little spitfire that one. 4 ft 5 in and has no filter. We all appreciate her honesty. She is here for childhood trauma from her dad. Always dressed in baggy clothes and no matter the temperature outside she is always wearing a jacket.

Lyra- Loves to hug everyone. Youngest one in the group, she is 15. Both her parents died when she was 8 and she is living on her own now and comes to therapy mainly for guidance but also for ways to heal, she sort of adopted the group as her family. Super intelligent, and an all-around good kid. She has long light brown curly hair down to her butt.

Audrey- Super quiet, most days she just listens and says nothing. She is an introvert so does not really open up unless you are alone with her. Although she is quiet, she is also happy when she is here and wiser than most of us. No one really knows the reason she is here, but I feel like it is to try to make friends or to feel less lonely. Always in thrifty clothes and wears a strange heart locket. It is strange because it is made of wood and is like the shape of the organ not a traditional cute heart that we all draw.

Tj- Red curly hair to his shoulders. His pants are always too tight and shirts too small. He is here to try and fix his issues he has with his self-esteem. Every time I try to strike up conversation with him, he always walks away but seems to talk to everyone else and I do not know why.

And the last person in the group is the counselor and her name is Kristy. She tells us she is as much a person of the group as the rest of us and that although she has a degree that there is no such thing as an expert and that we are ALL here to teach and learn. She has a short black pixie cut and the most incredible green eyes you will ever see. She is a mother of 2 kids and is accepting of everyone, she is my favorite counselor so far through the years.

Are you wondering what I look like? Well, I am 5 ft 5 in, my hair is dark brown and when I am outside it looks purple, I have hazel eyes, I am normally in jeans and a graphic tee with my hair straightened. I do not wear makeup; I am a liberal and I am thin, but I never need to work out.

In circle today Dave wanted to talk about his recent relationship and why it did not work. “I dated a woman with 2 kids recently. I have always wanted kids and hers are amazing. She is great mom and an incredible woman. I was so happy when I was with her, but she told me she is a non vaxxer and although I fell in love with her and her kids, I just could not handle that she did not want to vaccinate. She seemed so perfect, and I wish I could change her mind.”

I had to say something “That’s a personal medical choice, I think the problem is that you struggle to accept people for who they are, and you try to change them. In my opinion I think your anxiety comes from whether the mass will accept you for accepting her and it scares you. We are not here to be same as everyone else, we are all unique and that’s what makes life so beautiful, I hope one day you start to live for YOU and not everyone else.”

“Thank you for sharing your opinion Elle and thank you Dave for telling us what you struggle with. Dave, I want you to sit with yourself this week and try to think about where this feeling came from that bothers you about someone else being non vaxx. I want you to think back to your childhood and find what triggers this emotion for you and then I would like to revisit this next week if you are comfortable. I’ll see you all next week.” Kristy said.

*Present Day*

Just another normal day. I was feeling a little less down today though.

Tj said Hi to me today and it made me feel relieved somehow. We were about to revisit Dave’s issues when out of nowhere Audrey grabbed her chest and hit the floor. We all panicked, and I rushed to her aid. She was not breathing, and I did not know CPR, but Dave did, so he started compressions as Kristy called 911.

Lyra could not handle what was happening and ran away crying, Sara was comforting Kaara who was sitting in the corner frozen in fear. Wendy was hyperventilating and Kristy was trying to calm her down while speaking to the paramedics on the phone.

Before the paramedics arrived, Dave said she was dead.

“DEAD!!” I said. I laid her head in my lap and stroked her hair as I waited. The paramedics said she had a heart attack.

They asked us all questions about her family but none of us knew anything and Kristy said she did not have anyone except her grandmother.

Later that day an elderly woman came to my house and told me Audrey would have wanted me to have her locket and gave me a letter with it and then just walked away.

Why me? I barely knew her. I opened the letter:

Dear Elle,

The world is disconnected. Social Media, the News, Technology, its all being abused. You are depressed because you care about everything and everyone. You want to fix everything and when you do not see your efforts making an impact you shut down. People like you are rare these days. There is so much hate in the world and the media puts the negative on top, so you see all of that first. But despite all this your heart remains pure and open. The truth is we are conditioned from childhood to hate. Hate takes many forms. We are no longer growing as a society toward being better. There are some people that are like you that make big changes in small places, but it is not enough. We as people have become so separate and are growing more and more apart as we continue to invite the virtual world closer. People stopped leaving their homes, are consumed with money, and how many followers they have that they do not even remember how to be a good human. Life is about connection to others. My father created a computer virus that would fry all technology if the world ever became too heavily reliant on virtual reality. I am passing this down to you in hopes you know what to do when the time comes but you should also know there are people of the government that know about this virus and have been searching for it. I have hidden it in this locket. Tell no one you have it. The choice is yours now, destroy it or use it. If you choose not to use it then start living your life in the present and only worry about things that you can control and do not take on the emotional baggage of things you cannot. Stay open and continue to love people. Good luck Elle.

Sincerely, Audrey

Did she know she was going to die?

I started to think about a lot of things. I see things very different right now and need to somehow talk about this in therapy.

The following week circle time still went on as scheduled.

“I know we are all grieving but I’m happy to see you all still came. Its important to talk about this. Who wants to go first?

I jumped up and said “Why did none of us try to get to know her better? Where is the rest of her family? Why did she have a heart attack? Who is her father?”

“Slow down Elle, I can tell you are very passionate about this but take breath,” said Kristy.

I took a deep breath and sat down to try to collect myself.

“I don’t have all the answers, Audrey was born with a heart condition, but I don’t know the exact reason her heart stopped., therapy is here for people to open up when they are ready and to never be pressured to talk about things they don’t wish to share so I do not know much about her family., as far as getting to know her…all of us had opportunity to communicate and some of us chose not to.” Said Kristy.

“Audrey said the world and people are disconnected like in an emotional sense I think, I deleted my Vlog this morning because I realized I am just talking to myself and then allowing other to make their judgments or comments based on face value that they see but I don’t know any of those people and none of them have ever met me or spent time with me. They only see what I allow them to see and base their decisions solely on that without further context. Why do we normalize this kind of behavior? Why are we not trying to connect to people anymore?”

Everyone was quiet for a few minutes after I said all that.

“Elle, that was profound to say the least. this is one of those moments in which I live for in my career, the moments where someone’s perspective can change how you think. I do not know how to respond to you right now because that was something I need to process. I want everyone to think about what Elle just said and provide your feedback at our next session.” Kristy said.

I got home and looked at the locket hanging on my wall. I have had this thing for a week, and I do not know what to do even after therapy.

I plugged it in the computer, and it had a zip file that I could choose to open and fry technology as we know it or permanently delete the file and go on living life with a new perspective.

What about pacemakers? How many technologies based medical things are there? How many people would die if I chose to open this? Are they collateral damage for a possible better future of reconnecting humanity? If I delete it then what will the future look like in 20 years? Would we be so disconnected that we all become the same and none of us have any individuality anymore and love is no longer a normal thing?

I reach for the keyboard…. click.