One or None

Sweet like honey and Honey likes them sweet. Sweet loving, talking, and tasting but Honey also knows that sweet doesn’t mean they are walking in freedom.

“Excuse me miss you dropped your boarding pass.” said a strong confident voice behind her. Blushing as she shared her thanks about to bend, the man swooped low quickly and extended his arm with the ticket in hand towards her. “Thank you I appreciate it!” “You’re welcome Oyin” as he looked directly into her eyes and winked with a beaming smile that filled their atmosphere.

Oyin, translation ‘Honey’ in Nigerian Yoruba, lives and dies by her motto — you only live once and once shall I live. Experiencing the fullness of life through this YOLO lens, Oyin does not compromise on quality and is the catalyst to her success as a CEO and fortune in platonic relationships. However, romance had been the trickiest area to conquer as settling is never an option. Oyin having grown through mistakes and lessons from previous relationships ensured that she remained secure, whole, healthy as a lifestyle not an experience. Practising habits of mindfulness and presentness she healed from wounds and loved living her life in full colour spectrum as a one of a kind British-Naija babe.

However, life doesn’t let you hide from love long when living in the light. Embarking on a solo-venture, she was going home, and little did she know the homecoming within herself was resurrecting a dead love life in the African Miami during the busiest time of year — also known as Lagos Nigeria’s Detty December.

Back to the matter, this petite, slim thick babe was secure and free in mind-body-soul, and spirit but her flesh was alerted by his suspenseful charm. No Oyin, he’s just like the rest of them, charming, handsome, and one-track-minded towards sex. As Honey began to weigh up her options the spirit of YOLO set in and answered for her “You can’t just leave a babe guessing, what’s your name handsome” directly speaking to the mystery guy. Just like that she strapped into her rollercoaster seat and greeted Guy number 1, Seun from Abuja the paediatrician doctor.

“What are your plans today honey,” asked Oyin’s mama “I’m meeting a friend at an art gallery”. Mama looked up and laughed as she glided closer, “You and this your friends Oyin, I hope you know dating in Nigeria and dating in the western world are two different experiences. Men here see beauty, value you kind of limitless joy and act quickly when they meet a queen. Marriage becomes the destination because we believe in love as culture. Don’t go breaking these men's hearts, I don’t want a problem o!” They laughed together and embraced, mama was wise and realistic, Oyin soaked up the love and protection and set off to meet guy number 2, Biggie from Lagos who was an interest she met in a very unexpected place, Instagrab.

Biggie was big in all the right ways and frames, tall, muscular, and big-hearted. The date went well that they were lost in time. Flowing in conversations about their lives, hopes, and loves of life they got carried away by the cool breeze air of nightie in Lagos. Midnight was fast approaching and Oyin knew Cinderella had to make her way home before she was stranded on the island. “I want to kiss you so bad,” Biggie said. Without hesitation looking directly into his eyes, speaking slow low and soft she responded “How bad?”. She felt a pull at her waist draw to her in closer to his torso and could smell his oud aftershave as if it was the air she was breathing and he said “Bad”.

Ring ring! Oyin quickly mutes the call but also notices messages from a particular number. Guy number 3, her American-African friend Will had joined the ride. A quick glance at the preview text and she could see he was speaking her language of YOLO. Oyin backed up slightly from Biggie’s hot and sexy embrace to breathe. In the interim she read the message from Will “I’m pulling out the one-time YOLO pass you promised me and we’re going out tonight”. Oyin was now stuck in a rock and a hard place. He had spoken about marriage and hopes for them, already moving way too fast for Oyin and she was freezing. She reminded herself of her worth and very quickly that she was no one's property — yes she wanted to be respectful of their date but she was not obligated to stay with Biggie on a first date. She recalled her mummy saying “these men want visas o, be careful!” and she was obligated to follow her heart. She chose to live in the freedom of choice. Secure and independent she was learning in real-time how to respect her process even if it meant losing what was not meant for her to begin with and being at peace with it.

Oyin jumped in the taxi Biggie ordered, tied her shirt dress into a nighttime outfit, and headed over to Will at an album launch party. With music, good company and vibes Oyin’s perfect recipe for fun ensured she and Will danced the night away unapologetically — close, intimate, and carefree the chemistry was off the charts and they both could feel it radiating between them as a heat source.

“Good morning honey, are you safe?” the text from mama woke her up and she looked over to the right and saw Will fast asleep. Oyin laid in bed and asked herself that question — am I truly safe here? Can I be myself flaws and all or is this a wide path to destruction? Will my confidence and inner beauty cause conflict or will no makeup throw him out of the window? Will’s alarm went off mid-thought and as he woke, he gazed at her and said “you are beautiful”. Oyin let out a sigh of relief as she agreed too and they were on the same page, beauty is more than skin deep.

Overthinking as per usual anxiously, questions began to swirl around her head and heart. Oyin braced herself from within for the upcoming drop on the rollercoaster where you have to fall to fall in love. She actively chose to trust herself and her decision-making, a big and bold step made in faith after being burned in the past from those two very things. Responding to Will with a soft whisper “Thank you, babe. Are you still okay to drive me home please?” Love was knocking on the door of her heart but she was quick stepping. Was she ready to let it in? “Sure of course Oyin. Any time.” he grabbed his phone and keys off the dresser after giving her a good morning kiss on the forehead and they left hand in hand.

Will’s ‘live life in the moment’ attitude made it easier to dispel the narrative from her trauma. He was resorting to hoping too of marriage and kids with me sooner than later. What is up with this Nigeria glow?! She was beginning to believe the good in people again and hopes that were robbed by deception in her last relationship were being restored. Maybe it was something in the air but like mama said, Nigeria was slowly intoxicating her with a new lease of life and love and she was loving living it. She affirmed and reminded herself that there’s a life of abundance here now waiting for her as she trusts herself which means she trusts the process. Just like buses the next guy came along and down the rollercoaster we go — Guy number 4 Dave (2nd generation diaspora) touched down from London ready to bamba aka party.

“I’m in town and down for anything you’re on. Are you on going to Gold Lion tonight or are you too busy for me Honey?” Dave sweetened the close with a challenge. Oyin instinctively clicking the bait said “let’s do it” the spontaneity and tease were enough to ignite curiosity even though she was enjoying dating exclusively Nigerian-born and raised men. A little break from formation never hurt anyone right?

Arriving and settling in Gold lion strip club, Dave called a voluptuous orange long-haired dancer over to their section called Crayola. Dave pointed the dancer towards Oyin and she froze again, she thought I’m wild but not that wild, how far are you gonna push this solo-venture girl?! Taking a deep breathe “You before me Dave” Oyin answered as she ushered the girl closer to him. After a few back and forths, they both accepted the challenge. As the dancer moved slowly across his lap and in circles, Dave stared deep into Oyin’s eyes as he said “I’m picturing this is you.” Oyin blushed inside and out. Biting her lip the oxytocin coursed through her body rapidly dancing with the tequila inside her system. Their first date and kiss were in a Nigerian strip club surrounded by lust and heat — what kind of recipe is this! Her turn came and the dancer successfully broke Oyin out of any sexuality boundaries she once had. She enjoyed being on the other side of a new perception in life and sexuality ready to explore more freedom. What is life but living it Honey!

Oyin sat at her window gazing into the sky, intoxicated with warmth and relaxed with the cool breeze. She was recovering from a night of liberty and life using peace and she was filled with gratitude at how different her life was from a year ago. Silently wiping the tear streaming down her face she appreciated how she had not only survived but was now thriving from the sexual assault encounter that tried to rob her of innocence and purity.

The memory of shock running through her mind, she recalled how the man who proclaimed to love her forced himself into her and her soul and it made her skin shudder. The abuse and trauma of love had left her scared but she was a warrior. She fought back harder and came out stronger having healed in deeper dark places once and for all that led her to the abuse. Now she was standing the in the noon day sun and she was never turning back. She was filled with joy that she remembered the memories but not the feelings. How self-love and complete healing had washed away the pain. She was a survivor that was renewed in mind and was now able to take the same risks she was free to make before the assault, now wiser and wholesome. Oyin was overwheled with pride she was able to be vulnerable and open to finding true love.

Oyin wished to be in a committed monogamous relationship and wanted to invest a good amount of time in an exclusive relationship whilst in Nigerian. The process of elimination was the only way to choose when faced with incomparable choices. Guy number 2 & 3 were literally screaming loudly marriage and forever but this did not pressure her, simply it gave certainty and direction. Guy number 1 slowed the pace down by bringing a safe and Guy number 4 balanced it with wild and she enjoyed individually each approach to a 21st century modern woman dating and intuition was her guide. She was at peace knowing if she could not be friends with her husband that at the end of it all it really could be none of them. Her values inform her intuition which is her guide and gave her non-negotiables in dating equates to her boundaries. Simple. She trusted herself and trusted her faith believing the evidence of the things unseen will show her exactly who is her personal person is — even if he wasn’t perfect right now she would know that she knows when she knows.

“Oyin!! We’re going to Circus tonight, you have to come!! Ah ah, Nigeria romancing has deprived us of you and we want the Honey too!” the girls' group chat flooded in with similar messages of agreement and Oyin knew she was doing girls night tonight. The rest could wait even guy number 4 who was going to be there too, we outside outside baby and it’s hot girl Christmas!

Guy number 5, Mr. Mula was a last and late entry. Sending bottles of champagne to her table and a smooth word through the waiter hecaptured her attention pronto. He didn’t approach. He didn’t linger. He waited patiently for the night to unfold before he finally made his Hunter move. Locking eyes with Oyin on the dance floor for the 100th time he made his way across the dance floor and met Oyin swinging her hips slowly from side to side. Feeling his energy closing in she waited patiently for his touch to spark her flesh alive. Fingertips to palms slowly wrapped themselves around Oyin’s waist, catching his breath lightly blowing at the back of her neck as he leaned over and in she gasped lightly. She drank in his expensive and powerful scent of masculinity and they became the only two in the room to one another.

Free spirit mode was activated and although guy number 4 was in the club floating around, as Mr. Mula and Oyin danced the night away in perfect sync, she could feel his energy too and it felt rage. She saw Dave eventually lock eyes on them and nod as if he was signing out but she wasn’t moved. She was choosing to love herself and choosing to stay loyal to her process even if that eliminated guy number 4 on the spot. Oyin was a hot girl who did who hot girl things, if he couldn’t handle this then he couldn’t handle her. Being pursued and appreciated was highly attractive to Oyin and Mr. Mula was filling up the love tank exponentially. He only had eyes for only Oyin which drove her crazy. The passion, sexiness, the slow patent tease and vibes were unmatched — he had lightened a fire and was clearly ready to fan the flames. They left the club and Oyin knew she was leaving behind guys number 4 and 5 at the same time, life of sexual spontaneity isn’t fulfilling enough and is temporary and fleeting though extremely enjoyable. She wanted permanent and intimacy and believing how you start a thing is how you finish it she knew she had to hang up the shoes once and for all.

Leaving in the morning Oyin knew to put away childish behaviours and pause on seeing lifetime decisions through the lens of YOLO. It worked as a mindset in present moments, but not as a life plan. She was maturing and wanted to explore companionship throughouly oppose to common hobbies or interests being the driver. The foundation of any good marriage is friendship as she had witnessed with her parents. She had pulled up her girl panties and accepted she was not finding love in a club and delineated loved the love in the club — acting in faith she needed to find the best of both worlds and left this one behind to do so. 3 explorations to make.

Big brother peace was in town and stopped by the family house for Sunday rice, the perfect family fun day. Filled with laughter and love inevitably Oyin’s dating life came up. When is she getting married? As a beautiful bachelorette approaching the big 3-0 what are your thoughts about kids? Welcoming the questions asked in love and care, Oyin listened intently to the guidance correction and advice and received it with thanks. Biggie who attended their grandfather's birthday came up “Is he still around or have you chased him away too?” Peace said in jest, he knew his sister well and having designed the life she loves she was not adding anything less than what she deserved. Throwing her hands and shoulders in the air she responded “It is what it is bro”. Biggie was her type on paper but in reality, was way ahead of himself, unprepared to lead her which would be their hom. He would wait on Oyin to answer and make decisions but Oyin valued partnership and he was not meeting her needs in this capacity. She was not able to be feline soft and relaxed at home after being CEO masculine boss in her career, she needed this balance to be effective in home life to be effective in her purpose which was of high importance to her.

Oyin is 1/1 and has lived a rich life of experience and learned to value traditional gender roles in a liberal and modern way, a perfect recipe for a homemaker entrepreneur. A man coming into a woman of worths life needs to match or exceed her contribution to her own life otherwise how can two walk together unless they agree? She needed an equal. She had worked too hard, inner and outer, to not see this thing called to love through to its maximum potential. She wanted the real thing and was standing on that hope forever.

Peace liked his innocence but encouraged her all was well. He left her with a valuable life hack “to not cash cheques too early that can still bounce” which was enlightenment which she pocketed and appreciated the time they spent together. She began exercising the muscle of letting go of the disappointment quickly. If it was not clicking to have the courage to recognize and act on it so they may receive the love too they both desired and deserved if not with one another. Peace was proud of his baby sister and Oyin was of herself too, being principled is a different priceless value and it pays a great reward in quality of life, her family installed this in her and also supported this in a priceless way. 2 more decisions to go. One or none.

Seun (Guy number 1) number flashed on her screen Oyin cracked a smile as she remembered their first encounter. She was now clear about, ready and willing to explore her modern traditional values in dating. She wanted to see if they extended to traditionally suitable men, white-collard, settled, and established. She didn’t want to settle but she didn’t want to judge a book by its cover too. She answered the phone and with food being a love language offered she accepted an invitation to a fine-dining date in Victoria Island.

Seun arrived Suited and booted looking edible and fine with a fresh haircut, creaseless shirt, and a smile worth a billion Naira. The gentleman was his middle name for the night and he opened doors, pulled out seats, and waited for Oyin hand and foot attentively. She melted at his chivalry as it was stark different to her experience in the western world. However, feeling herself having a tug of war from within as she didn’t get why something wasn’t connecting — she didn't like him but the idea of him and it was starting to show. She slipped into control & critical mode and was asking a series of interview-style questions that was instinctive to her when in masculine mode.

“So when you’re angry what do you do and give me examples” his response wasn’t the healthiest sounding but irrespective she was looking inwardly about why she even asked the question found how safe she was playing it. She didn’t recognise this Oyin, a person whose motto aligned with living freely. When hearing herself ask she was turned off by herself. Seun took no offence but Oyin was offended at who she was around him. Oyin couldn’t help slip into a guarded mode which was very telling too — it was a settling posture that believed you cannot get hurt when you know what to expect which is false as that’s not the beauty of life.

Realising you don’t know someone in love until you’re on the other side Oyin knew she had no interest in getting there with Seun and was not going to string him along. With no connection and the chemistry being a spark at the airport, a fire could not be lit. At the end of the night when parked outside, they spoke briefly and said their goodbyes, Seun leaned in for a kiss, and the moment she turned her cheek he knew. It wasn’t him and she rejected the ideas of performing out of obligation at the end of a courteous date but showed herself dignity and the respect her body deserves. Oyin was 4 down with 1 more to explore. Stil none the less, one or none.

Guy number 3, Will was the last man standing suprisingly. He was the one Oyin had known the longest and had the most hope for. She slowly started to unfold, becoming more vulnerable layer by layer. Sharing important things that would help him navigate his way to her heart her birthday was fast approaching and was a big test and wasn’t looking promising. Learning how to trust again and give out pieces of her heart was not an easy task for Oyin but it was about her overcoming her fears and less about the men who engaged with her to do so. Irrespective she was practising commitment to a process and spent days, hours making sacrifices to accommodate Will but she never felt prioritized even though he insisted she was. Being innocently gullible began to revert to old patterns of believing bad fruit was supposedly coming from a good tree.

Switching on hyper-vigilant in her down time she scanned her thoughts about herself and identified the root. She was absorbing his toxicicty from unhealthy relational behaviours that were making her feel at dis-easement in her body. She felt anxious, unattended to and neglected which was triggering her to react to Will instead of responding, moments that felt ugly to her. The periods of silent treatment and withholding love only to get random calls and apologies were trying to resurrect a less secure Oying without immediately realising it. She began to mediate on what brother Peace had said to her once “insecure men take from secure women” every rule has an exception but till this day Peace was 100% right on boys as he was a man. Feeling heavily invested as the only egg left in the basket, Hoeny was patient but felt undervalued and underappreciated and was suffocating from within. Should she wait on Wills's potential to flourish or act on her self-worth and leave what only seems like a toxic environment? The answer was simple but the execution was hard.

Birthday girl mode and Oyin was ready to celebrate with her one and only potential bae. “Babe can we postpone tonight, I’ve had something come up and you understand right?” Oyin saw red as the tears welled up in her eyes. Quality time was her language of love and clear she was not a priority and marriage was a fairytale to him never a real thing. She is a lover, not a fighter and she didn’t want to slap anyone in the face but herself. You knew this was going to happen. It hurt and felt the impact regardless of having knowledge — truth has no mercy but it does set you free. She instantly blocked, deleted, and cleared all memories of Will not as a punishment for his behaviour, but for her recovery and healing's sake to give herself enough room to remind herself of who she is. Fool me once shame on me, fool me twice shame on you. I owed it to myself to complete this mission and this concluded that I have. Chapter closed.

Oyin was left with none. No men. No partner. No guy after starting off so hopeful and strong about love, but this dating experience in the homeland was but different. She abided by faith love and hope in a new way and it rewarded her with a new revelation of herself and life which was priceless. Her heart ached yes, but it was the growing pains that stretched her the most. She lived to love and knew she would love again. A homebody at home in her mind, body, and spirit more than she had ever been from this experience of dating with the mindset of a healed and whole woman was limitless. She matured from understanding the concept of love to living out the invaluable reality. She lived as if it was her only life and she will live again staying true to her motto to the end.

Confused and disappointed why her high values as a high-value woman proved difficult when dating, she accepted as she accepts herself that it wasn’t personal. Everyone is at different places and peace and she is more certain than ever before that she is ready and worthy of love as her position. Everyone has free will to make choices that align with their beliefs and these were hers. Until then she vowed the journey of self-discovery, self-love, and self-respect would propel her closer to her partner in life and knew it was only a matter of time they meet.

This rollercoaster may have ended but when in an amusement park there’s always the next ride. When she least expected it she met Sebastian, a new solo-venture for an evolved and ‘I dey soft die’ Oyin. Welp, here we go again Honey…