One minute on an elevator

I might be late, and Dr. Placid keeps harping on me about being on time. I hope this session is better than last time, I think as I rush off the bus and into the tall building. I see the elevator with a red lit arrow pointing up over the top of it about to close its doors.

“Hold the elevator!” I shout as I race forward.

A large hand juts out to block the doors from closing and as I step onto the elevator I say, “Thank you."

“Sure thing.” Says a male voice that seems oddly familiar.

“Floor?” A woman’s voice said from behind several bodies.

“Um, 7 please.” I said as I tried to push down the panic trying to bubble forth. It was a full elevator and the man’s voice was still ringing in my mind. It scared me and I needed to reassure myself it wasn’t him, the man who was my whole reason for needing these sessions.

I looked up at the faces near me but didn’t recognize anyone and realized I was holding my breath. I told myself to concentrate on breathing and closed my eyes just as the elevator stopped and the doors opened. Someone pushed me slightly to one side and I realized I was in the way of the doors. I opened my eyes and shuffled to the side as best I could. As everyone resettled for the ride to continue, I found a spot to grab hold of on the wall of the elevator. Solid and cool, I focussed on that instead.

We stopped again and more got off. I looked up at those left with me and there he was. Leaning on the wall with his arms crossed. Dark sunglasses, dressed in torn jeans and his button-up shirt was untucked and improperly buttoned. He looked like he had slept on the street and needed a shower and a shave badly. He wasn’t aware of me at all. How did he fall so far, what happened to him? Questions and ideas raced through my mind. Then I looked down at how I was dressed. Business suit, well-tailored and freshly dry cleaned. Manicured nails and freshly cut hairstyle. Such a contrast from before that he likely wouldn’t recognize me.

I was suddenly aware that the panic I had been fighting, the tightness in my chest, was slowly easing up. I wasn’t as scared of him in this condition. He was vulnerable, not me. He was struggling, not me. I was so scared of who he had been and how he had made me a victim back in college. I had continued to think of him as that confident, sadistic cruel man and yet I had not thought about how things could be different. I thought again about how he could have ended up this way and that maybe things had caught up with him. Maybe all his cruel deeds came back on him.

The elevator stopped again and I noticed it was the 6th floor. As the doors opened he stood up straight and walked forward off the elevator. In his back pocket was a wallet that had been folded open to reveal part of a police badge and it was then I noticed the gun holster on him that had been hidden by his crossed arms and the way he had been leaning. The panic in me was back, swelling up quickly and my chest was hurting. I could hardly breathe. I tried to concentrate on my hand on the wall but it wasn’t cool anymore. I tried to breathe slowly but it hurt too much to bring the air into my lungs. I pushed out what little air I had through my mouth and tried again to breathe in. My mind raced again over his attire and what could have needed a cop to be dressed like that. I couldn’t imagine him able to help someone honestly, with real empathy. My brain was flashing back to his treatment of me and I tried to push it away. Pulling air into my limited lungs until the elevator doors opened and I was able to step off and reach the door to Dr. Placid’s office. I sucked in as much air as I could and opened the office door and dropped into the first available chair. It took everything I had to not burst into tears.

The receptionist must have noticed my distress as she came around the counter, closed the door I had erupted through and said quietly, “I will let the doctor know you are here.” She then walked away and I was left in the waiting room struggling to breathe, freaking out. The last few moments ran through my mind mixed with scenes I had been fighting to get past for the last 15 years. I felt like I was back at the beginning and all the work I had done with Dr. Placid had been erased after one minute on an elevator.