Nothing

Nothing.

I’m dead.

I think.

There are no sounds. Nothing to see either. Just blank. Blank is colorless. Blank is different than before. Not sure how. Do I remember before? What does that even mean.

A female voice booms.

“Note to self. Have to remember to get dry wood from beneath that 101 overpass tree area thing before the next chemical rain. Damp wood smells like sulfur two days post rain. Also, look for Socks, he hasn’t been at the apricot tree in a minute.”

Who is that?

Hello?

***

I think I’m screaming. I don’t have a body anymore. If I did I would be hyperventilating. I haven’t heard the voice again. It’s been four days of me, maybe screaming. I’m not sure how I know, but I think it is.

Thinking is all I can do now.

I think I am alone.

Not sure.

***

It’s been 34 days since I heard the voice.

I think.

There’s nothing here and no way for me to know. But 34 seems like a good number. I think I’ve moved on to the acceptance stage.

I’m dead right?

I thought I was lonely when I was alive. This is worse.

I hope she comes back. Maybe she knows what’s going on.

***

Day 52.

Noone.

It’s been nothing and noone. All I do is think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think.

I was patient but now I’m getting scared. What is this--

“Oh my god, I just got my phone turned back on. The cable for the charger I found in that warehouse was already shredded looking and I was sleeping when the sirens went off so when I grabbed it out of the wall it just snapped.”

Can you hear me?

“Gotta remember to get a second charger this time, for real. I haven’t hit up the Elementary school yet, from the street it looks like it’s been picked over but there might be some random electronicy things I can grab. I’ll have to go during the day, it’s too creepy at night.”

CAN YOU HEAR ME? HELLO?

“I think my other notes saved, I’ll go listen to those and see if I’m forgetting anything. Be right back, I guess. Ha, weird to say but whatever.”

WAIT PLEASE I--

***

Two more days have passed.

I think.

Two of “my” days. I don’t know what timeline she’s operating on. I could have gagged when she left.

“Hi. Um.”

Oh!

“I feel crazy right now. I really do. Um. But just in case I wanted to say hello. Because well. I went back to listen to my voice memos. And I saw some recordings I didn’t make. And I feel very stupid right now. But.... I think there’s someone… here? I haven’t let my phone out of my sight this whole time. God this is stupid.”

No wait please, I can hear you, I can hear you, please!

I think moments are passing. Can’t be too sure.

“I-- okay, yes. I have no idea how the hell this is happening. I’m still not sure… So, I just listened. I hear someone’s voice. Your voice I guess? Whoever you are. It’s a new voice message. They’re just showing up. How are you doing this? ...Oh right I have to, yeah hold on. Just like talk and I’ll--yeah.”

Hi! Hello, hi! Where am I? Can you hear me? Did you say voice mail? What’s happening?

Please, I need help!

I think an eternity is passing. Can’t be too sure.

“Okay so. Yes, WOW. I heard you! I fucking heard you! Okay, so I’m either hallucinating which honestly like yes, probably doing that a little but I think I know what’s going on. Don’t know how to say this is in a nice way but I think you’ve died. I’ll pause so you can take it all in…

Okay I’m not sure if there can ever be a long enough time to take in news like that so I hope that was sufficient enough for now but to answer your question I think you died and had your consciousness synced. I’ve heard about it before. You’re like added to the cloud or something. But I thought they erased those once the chip host was dead? I think your file was misplaced. And now you’re here somehow? Hmm. Okay your turn.”

I don’t know what to say. Yes, I think so. I think that sounds right. I kind of remember the earthquake, the fizz of the electricity cable crashing down as I ran out into the street. But who are you? Can you get me out of here?

Pausing.

A deep sigh, whispered.

“I can talk more later, now really isn’t a good time. But I’ll do my best to answer all of your questions soon. Not sure if you can tell but the sun is setting and I’m getting that weird feeling in my stomach that makes me worry poachers are nearby. I don’t want them to hear me but I’m going to find a safe space to hang out and we’ll continue this later. Hang in there though. And sorry for your loss I guess!”

Okay, be safe, thank you!

***

Dear new friend.

I’m so excited to talk to you again. I hope you made it there or wherever you were going safely. I’m giddy. I’m so happy. I thought it was me, alone, forever. It’s really weird here. Very… blank, if that makes sense. Please talk to me again soon. I really need to get out of here. That feeling you had in your stomach? I think I feel it too now, even though my stomach is gone.

But it doesn’t matter, all good over here, just stay safe and we’ll talk soon! Hope this goes through! Okay, bye!

Love you!

***

Hey.

So sorry if that was last message was overkill. The I love you thing. Being dead is weird and I think I’m reacting to it… pretty well, all things considered, but that’s only because I have you here with me, in a way, so forget I said that. But if you could come back and let me know you’re still there. A simple hello. Just something.

Please?

I don’t like what’s happening in my mind now. It’s…

It’s a lot.

I’m alone with my thoughts.

It’s a lot.

Okay, talk to you soon I hope.

Thanks, bye.

***

Hey.

Me again.

It’s been…

Awhile.

23 days since we last spoke. “My” days. My version of days. In here.

Where are you?

***

Day 108.

I think.

“Hey I’m so sorry, I see all of your messages but I was on the move. I couldn’t find a safe place to camp for long. I think I’m in Texas now? I’m not sure. The heat was too much, I think I fainted and woke up a few days later. I’m okay now. As okay as I can be. I didn’t get to say goodbye to Socks. Not sure if you heard about him but he was my squirrel friend.

I’m sorry, I don’t mean to cry, I know you’re dead and all and a squirrel probably seems insulting to cry over given your situation but I really loved him. I lost everyone. And he was there, outside my window before it all happened and he amazingly survived and I was keeping an eye on him so noone would hunt him. I even have a little locket and I made a drawing of him to put inside. I’m shit at drawing.

Sorry I’m used to using this like a diary but now I feel like I can’t because I don’t want to be selfish and make you listen to all my thoughts. Which is kind of what I’ve been doing for you. But I promise I haven’t been listening to all of the voice memos you’ve left because some of them seemed personal so I just listened to some here and there. Definitely want you to feel like you have some sort of privacy. Also, didn’t mean to worry you, sorry about that. I was just glad to see there were new ones every few days, so I knew you were still around.

I hope you’re there now.

I have to save my battery. I haven’t been able to find electricity to plug it in for a very long time. I passed by some towns but no friendly faces so I kept moving. I’m going to get you out of here, I promise.

You would have liked Socks, I think. He was very cute. Loved apricots.

Okay, sorry, water works again. Um. Okay well, what else?

Oh, okay. So the plan is to get more electricity from someone and then I’ve got to find a tech person who knows how to help you.

It… might be bit before that all happens. I’m spending most of my day finding clean water and food and shelter at this point. But I promise I’m doing my best.

Oh shit the battery dropped another percent and I’m just rambling now. Um, how about this. You hang in there, everything is going to be okay, and I’ll check in with you when I plug in next, okay? Okay. Bye for now, talk to you soon. I’m going to turn it off now to save some juice, just so you know!”

Please don’t go.

***

Day 216.

Hey.

Thank you so much for trying to help me. I don’t think I thought that before. Thank you.

Hope it’s going well out there. Please don’t faint again, I’m worried about you. Even if my entire fate wasn’t in your hands I’d still be worried. About you.

Hang in there.

***

Day 327.

Long time.

I don’t know how much longer I can do this.

Not like I have a choice though.

***

Day 401.

Can you go crazy if you don’t have a brain to go crazy with?

***

Day 412.

Where the FUCK are you? Fuck you, what the fuck is your problem? Fucking ANSWER me!

***

Day 413.

I’m really sorry if you heard that. I didn’t mean it.

***

Day 423.

I thought it over and I really am sorry.

***

Day 424.

Hope you’re okay.

***

Day 503.

Are you?

***

Day whatever.

The same female voice.

She’s weeping. Choking.

“I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I love you too. And fuck you too.”

What’s going on? CAN YOU HEAR ME? Are you okay?

Are you okay?

Hello?

I still don’t know how this works, can you hear me?

Is this coming through?

Oh god, please. PLEASE, GOD. Don’t do this.

Are you okay?

Just tell me you’re okay.

Please.

PLEASE.

I can’t go back to nothing. Please.

Please.

***

You’re dead.

I think.

Nothing.