Not lucky

The mirror showed a reflection that wasn’t my own. It was me before the fire left me with a melted, scarred, hideous face. I’ve been told, I was lucky to have survived the fire. Not the word, I would have used.

There I am in the mirror, young, beautiful, healthy with my life before me. What I wouldn’t do to go back to those days before I lost everything. I shouldn’t really say everything. I saved my baby girl, Miranda. I shielded her with my body and didn’t try to put the flames on my head out, lest I drop her. She lives but I’ve lost her anyway. She screamed when she saw me. She wanted her mommy, but I wasn’t it. My ex-husband Brian is raising her.

Brian was working late when the fire occurred so he wasn't affected by it. He had the nerve to bring his new wife around for my approval. I just screamed at him, but he just wept and married her anyway. She was his co-worker, Andrea. He was so lucky to have found someone to support him through this crisis. Again, not the word I would have used.

They found a quilt that my mother had made for my baby in a chest. I kept it and hugged it tight, even though it still smelled of smoke. The mirror was saved too, but I broke it when I first set eyes on my face. No further bad luck possible. Now, I like looking at the mirror. This past me is way better than reality.

The me in the mirror is getting ready for work, giving myself a last look over. She’s frowning at what she sees. To be honest, I guess I didn’t appreciate me either. I thought my eyes were set too close and my forehead was too high. Compared to now, I was Miss New Jersey. Brian takes the baby in the car seat with him to daycare. The house is now empty.

I pivot my mirror shard to see if I can see the rest of the room and I can. I see the door to our bedroom and the nursery. The tears start flowing uncontrollably. She was so tiny and sweet. She’ll probably grow up thinking her stepmother is her real mother. There is a box of Kleenex sitting on the bureau just below the mirror. I could really use a tissue for my tears and snotty nose. I reach out to touch its reflection and my hand goes right through and I retrieve the tissue. Shocked, I wonder what else I can do. Maybe I can change the future in their world but how?

I pick up another shard of mirror to see what else I might see. This one lets me see through the bathroom mirror. I thought we had moss green towels. These are blue and the shower curtain is different too. I wonder if it is a different house. I look back at the last shard. Yes, the living room is different too. I was so busy looking at myself, that I didn’t realize the apartment was different. Same layout different furniture. Maybe this is post-fire and I survived in this life.

The next shard shows the bedroom. I see my wedding photo with Brian, and a picture of me cuddling Miranda. That was taken a few days before the fire. I wonder if Miranda will ever see those photos after Brian marries Andrea. New wives don’t want reminders of the old wife around. I see my favorite ring on the dresser. I pick it up. It shows fire damage. It had melted on to my hand. They cut my finger off to remove it. I’m so confused. It must be after the fire. This must be an alternative reality, but why is my ring damaged and I’m not?

Time must have flown because my reflection is back and in the bedroom. I am very hysterical in that world. Someone who isn’t Brian is holding me and trying to soothe me. I put my ear through the shard to listen. “I can’t find the ring. I can’t find it. I must find it.” The reflection me is crying. The man is telling her he can get her another one. She screams, “No, you don’t understand. My mother was wearing that ring when she died saving my life. That and the mirror are the only things I have of her. They buried her with my baby blanket. Losing that ring is like losing my last connection to her.”

I pull back and drop the shard. “I’m dead.” The girl in the mirror must be my daughter Miranda. “She is so beautiful. The other man must be her husband. I’m a grandma.” I kiss the ring and put it back through the mirror. Flicking it onto the floor, so they can find it. I also give her the tissue wet with my tears. She won’t know but I will.”

I hear a voice behind me say, “You are very lucky to have had such a beautiful family that loved you so much." I turn and see my mother. "Andrea did a good job of keeping your memory alive for her. Andrea would bring her over to see me all the time. I was invited to all her birthday parties. We would celebrate your birthday every year. You were not forgotten. Brian was devastated when you died. He blamed himself for working late. It was years before he could bring himself to date. I died yesterday. They told me that you were stuck in the moment. They hoped I could get you to move on."

She hugged me. “You don’t have to keep reliving the past. Now that you’ve seen it turns out okay. Please let it go.” My mother looks so young and beautiful. I give the mirror one last look and see the happy look on my daughter’s face when she finds the ring. I leave the past and the present behind and walk into eternity with my mother to become forever young. I’m not lucky. I’m blest.