No Love Lost

“Love. It is something we all want and most of us believe we have it once we have found that special someone that we don’t wanna spend a single second of the day without. The feeling we have with this special person is a rush of a high that is nearly impossible to put in words. We are floating on cloud nine as we sail this love boat, but sometimes that love boat isn’t what it’s cracked up to be. My name is Antoine Goodman and I wanna tell you my story of the love I didn’t lose.”

“I first met my girlfriend Andrea three years ago during my first semester in college. We sat beside each other in Western Civilization and we joked around a lot. Before long those jokes turned into serious conversations about the hardships of life and we then became very affectionate with one another. We started hanging together outside of class and formed a serious friendship. One day after her birthday party I asked her the big question: can I be your boyfriend?”

“Andrea agreed to be my girlfriend with out hesitation and I was as happy as a kid in a candy store. Our honeymoon phase was a long one and consisted of a lot of laughter and adventure. Andrea would speak so highly of me to her family and friends. I could tell I was very special to her. I also talked all my friends and family members ears off about how amazing she was. My family was never short of telling me how much I blushed whenever her name was mentioned. One thing me and Andrea loved doing was taking boat rides out on the lake out by where we went to school. One day while gazing at a beautiful sunset on the lake she looked up at me while leaning on my chest and said we were going to get married one day. I looked down at her and told her I know we will.”

“But during our second year as a couple things started to change. When me and Andrea started having conflicts with each other I slowly started noticing something in her behavior. She started getting cold and dismissive when she was mad at me. Of course it’s not uncommon for someone to throw a fit when they are mad at their other half. I myself have done that often, but I would never say hurtful things that were below the belt or ignore someone for days at a time, even when there were important issues hanging in the balance and Andrea would do these things.”

One time I told her that I didn’t agree with the way she was talking down to her mother one night after a get together and she got mad and ghosted me for days, even when I fell sick a few days later she knew about it and never checked on me to see how I was doing and she did it out of spite. Eventually she did reach out to me when she felt like it and she tried to be overly nice to me because she knew she had done me wrong. She was trying to win me back and it worked because I was very vulnerable emotionally. We eventually started having more fall outs like this and every time she was cold and dismissive towards me she would get more cruel. The thing about me is I was always very weak willed and it was easy for her to play on my emotions with love-bombing just to get me back and it worked every time.”

“During our final semester in class together I found out that Andrea was gonna pay one of our classmates to do a homework assignment for her. When I expressed how I didn’t think it was good idea and that she was gonna walk into a future of failure if she tried to cheat her way through her education she started talking down to me and belittled me. I got so angry that I stormed out of her house and gave her the silent treatment for a couple days, much to her disliking. She was furious with me and couldn’t believe that she was on the ghosted side. After a few days of cooling off I went back to her and she seemed to be very remorseful to me in a way that she had never been before. I never saw her so apologetic and felt like maybe she was changing for the better.”

“That was until one day I overheard a conversation that Andrea was having with one of her friends and what I heard them gossiping about ripped out my heart. Andrea confessed to cheating on me when I stormed out on her over the homework incident. I stormed in the other room and confronted her about it and a big argument broke out between the two of us. I had never felt so betrayed and angered before. I distanced myself from Andrea for three weeks and was contemplating breaking up with her, but I was so in love with her and so attached to her, that I couldn’t bring myself to abandon her. Once again she came back crying and pleading to me and once more I forgave her and let her back in. I wanted to believe that she had changed and that things were gonna be different this time, but once again I was wrong. The cruelty continued once I got comfortable with her again and after another falling out, she cheated on me once more. I now realize that Andrea is a narcissist and the pain I endure from her will only continue until I finally let her go.”

Antoine is walking anxiously to Andrea’s front door with his heart racing and his mind spinning. He has loved her to death for the past several years, but he knows that she is an unhealthy attachment. He also realizes that he is addicted to her, so separating himself from her will not be an easy task. As he arrives at the door he makes no effort to knock. Instead he just twists the knob in anticipation that the door was already unlocked, he was right. The door was already unlocked and Antoine just walked right in. Andrea who had just been sitting down on her couch stood up when he entered the room.

“Hey.” Andrea started. “Hey.” Antoine answered. “Antoine we need to work this out.” “There’s nothing to work out Drea. It’s time for us to end this.” Andrea’s eyes became watery with anger. “So you’re just gonna walk away from me like I was nothing to you for years?” Andrea asked angrily. “No Andrea!” Antoine answered sharply. “You’re the one who treats me like I’m nothing to you, until you think you’re gonna lose me and decide to prey on my emotions.” “I’m not perfect, Antoine, but I love you, I always have.” “No Andrea, you don’t love me, you just wanna possess me. You need me to help you feel better about yourself because you knew I always had a misplaced sense of worship about you.”

Andrea gasped in shock at the way that Antoine was standing up to her. She never thought there would come a day when he spoke to her like this. “If I’m so bad then why did you keep letting me back in? You know why? It’s because you love me Antoine and you know I love you more than anything.” “Andrea I came back to you because I didn’t love myself and I was desperate for the false sense of love that you were giving me. You made me feel loved even when you were abusing me, but I know now that wasn’t real love, it was toxic. We both felt like we needed each other to complete each other, but the truth is being with you has systematically destroyed me and I can’t do this anymore.”

“What are you saying?” Andrea asked tearfully. “I’m saying I’m gonna start loving myself the right way because I’m worth more than how you’ve treated me. And yes, I may be alone for awhile, but the right person will come into my life and love me the right way when the time is right. I’ll always love you for the good in you that I know exist underneath the bad, but it’s time for me to move on. Our relationship is over Andrea, goodbye.” Antoine turned around and left the house with his heart in pain as Andrea cried out to him from behind “ANTOINE COME BACK!!! I LOVE YOU!!!” Antoine never looked back even once as she called out to him “ANTOINE ANTOINE!!!” Andrea screamed in pain. He got in his car and drove off. As Antoine continued down the long uncertain road of the future the pain in his heart subsided and was replaced with relief. He realized that he was starting to love himself and the toxic relationship that he just exited was no love lost.