No, I can't wear a mask

No, I can't wear a mask. No, you are misunderstanding me. I didn't say I WON'T wear a mask, I said I CAN'T wear a mask. Do you know who I am? I'm Vincent Van Gogh! Yes, THAT Vincent Van Gogh. Yes, the Impressionist.

Oh, thank you so much! I never get tired of hearing that. I know everybody says that's their favorite, but Starry Night really was my masterpiece. That's the one everybody knows. It's my "Bohemian Rhapsody", I suppose. So, thank you, but I really must enter the Hy Vee now. Those bottles of Boone's Farm are calling my name!

You still want me to wear a mask? Did you not hear me?!? I'm Vincent Van Gogh! No, I'm not playing the celebrity card, I'm saying I physically CAN'T wear a mask. The ear, remember? My ear? Remember the thing about my ear? I cut it off to give to a prostitute I was in love with? Vanessa? People say I was crazy to do it, but you should have seen the look on her face when she unwrapped it. It was a mixture of concern, disgust, and pure love. I said "You are very nEAR and dEAR to me, my darling." Then she was like "oh... an ear... just what i've always wanted... i mean, i already have two on my head... but... uhhh.... thank you? this is... your ear?". Then I was like "Maybe we could grab a bEAR (beer) and go for a walk on the pEAR (pier), my dEAR?". Then she threw up in her mouth a little bit, which I took as a good sign because I really stirred something up in her. Then she looked at me very concerned and asked if I was okay. And I said "Don't fEAR my dEAR, all is clEAR now that you are hEAR (here, not hear, but that is a clever pun also)." Then she gave me the number of a therapist.

So now if you'll excuse me, that strawberry breeze Boone's Farm isn't going to purchase and drink itself! .... What? I still need a mask? I cut of my f***ing ear! Can't you hear me? I know I'm missing one, but you've got both! Look, I'll try putting it on. Nope! Still one ear! Not enough to secure it to my face! You really aren't budging on this?

Look, maybe I AM playing the celebrity card, here. I am Vincent Van Gogh after all. Starry Night! The smoking skeleton! The one with the pool table! Did I mention the smoking skeleton? Oh yeah, and not to mention Starry Night?? I need to get that Boone's Farm. I have a date! We need to set the mood with some wine product! No, the date isn't with Vanessa. She has to wash her hair, and honestly, I think I might have creeped her out with the whole severed ear present thing. No, my date is with Samantha, the therapist she set me up with. She doesn't know it's a date yet, but I can tell she's madly in love with me by the way she listens to me so intently. And I even have a surprise present for her. I'll give you a hint: it rhymes with STEER CLEAR. That's right, my severed ear! Vanessa accidentally mailed it back to me by FEDEX, so I'm regifting. Sure, it's a little decayed now, and I had to brush some maggots off of it, but I dipped it in resin epoxy and made a nice little ashtray out of it. Like the one the smoking skeleton used!

Fine! Don't let me in the store! I don't need your Boone's Farm! I have true love! What? I can't even hear you! Speak into the one ear that I actually have!