Nessie's A Theatre Kid

They said aliens are real, didn’t they? Dragons are monsters from faraway tales, and giants are honestly laughable. But aliens were confirmed, does that make them more believable, or does it poke holes into all the fun? Higher ups in government positions really claim that extraterrestrial life exists? Hm.

What about the Loch Ness Monster? Nessie. Two graduate students went out on the hunt. Bearing in mind there have been sightings and hunts for decades, and they went in 2025. So, it was surprising when they found something. Sure, there had been photographs, but all had been debunked on YouTube. By expert YouTube video makers who play Roblox with seven-year-olds off duty. These graduate students were named Agnes and Rory. Their parents wanted losers, and they kind of won. The field they graduated in weren’t hiring anyway, and Agnes said she’d sooner sink to the bottom of Loch Ness before going back to Subway. Rory said he’d document their journey and earn millions, so he wouldn’t ever have to work for minimum wage, but Agnes thought it was more because of his empty CV. Like I said, losers. Moving on. The two found themselves comfortably packed into Agnes’ mothers’ camper van, and snaking up the Scottish Highlands.

‘Gonny catch a beastie.’ This was Rory’s latest Facebook update.

Good thing Agnes was his only friend on there. She still didn’t understand the point of posting. Resisting the urge to snap Rory’s phone, Agnes clicked the radio on. A song was attempting to penetrate the wall of static-ness, and Agnes slammed her fist on the toggles a few times. This seemed to work, as Agnes heard Ariana Grande’s vocals, and with a jolt realised it was Wicked.

‘Oh, they have musicals on FM now? Turn it awf man—’

‘Oh, I love this part, quiet! Something has changed within me…’

‘Oh my—’

‘Something is NOT THE SAME!’

‘No Ag—’

‘I’m through with playing—’

‘WHO SINGS THIS AGAIN, MAN?’

‘Cynthia Erivo. How dae you not know that?’

‘Should keep it that way then ya lunatic,’

Agnes aimed a punch at Rory’s ribs but laughed. They trundled along and lapsed into silence as Defying Gravity blared through the van. The sky was clear. Perfect day to catch a monster.

‘…Sassy chump.’

Rory laughed.

*

Agnes continued humming Wicked tunes, before turning down a dark corner. The lake was coming into sight now, blue-grey against the mossy hills. Nessie was in there. The two became ecstatic at what lay ahead of them. They reached a parking spot and kicked open the van’s doors. It was nice to breathe in frosty, fresh air. It seemed like rain was soon coming, but the two weren’t dispirited or surprised. Classic Scotland. They hitched on their hiking boots, and wrenched the equipment out of the van, heading for the water.

‘See, it’s like we’re aboot to meet the Wizard,’ Agnes said, smirking to Rory.

‘Genuinely can ye drop the musical now? We have a beastie to catch!’ Rory cried and sped down the muddy banks, arms outstretched. Agnes secretly hoped he would fall over. ‘Status update in need…Nessie my dear we’re coming for ye!’

‘Ye don’t actual think we’re taking the girl home, hen?’

‘…Catch yoursel' on, Aggy.’

‘You catch yourself on, Ror. Chump. Come oan, we need ta set everythin’ up.’

The two squabbled like siblings pitching up their cameras, lights, and all the fancy tech their degree had brought them to create. Their genuius machines could detect movements under water, see in the dark, and loads of other boring things that Agnes could never fully explain to someone without getting a yawn in response. It was kind of cool, though. They were smart kids, and they were determined. Rory snickered at his phone whilst they sat, planning the night. And eating Lorne sausages from the warmth of a well-made fire. Agnes had done all the work. Rory was scared of fire, but not of beasties, apparently. She looked over to him, as he handed his phone over. ‘Look what Coulson’s said, man. Biologically impossible.’

‘Naw,’ Agnes took in every word from the article. ‘He’s allergic to fun, man. And used the most stupid reasons too.’ She snorted and handed the phone back to Rory.

‘We know the body of water reaches a depth of nearly 800 feet and a length of about 23 miles. Not like someone’s gone in and had a reet look around. Like ‘Oh lads, there doesney seem to be a massive beastie in here so go ahead and log awf.’’

Agnes cackled, looking back to the water. ‘It might not be the same monster. But imagine. Imagine we see the same beastie who was told awf by tha’ Irishman on the seventh century. I wouldney tell the girl to get lost, I’d be pitching for a ride round tha’ place.’ Now Rory cackled. He raised his eyebrows, with a goofy grin. ‘Shall we send Coulson a video of you singing that Wicked Witch song to our Nessie? Teach her what YouTube is?’

Agnes snorted again, choking briefly on sausage pieces, and slapped Rory’s shoulders. ‘It’s called Defying Gravity, numpty. No way you have a degree.’

‘You were held back a year, don’t start with me, man.’

‘Held—Held back?! It’s called a gap year. You’re just jealous.’

Rory’s eyes flickered to the lake, with the ghost of a grin on his face. ‘I swear ave just seen something move.’

‘Swear.’

‘A just did.’

‘On…on ye maw.’

Rory turned his head to her, face scrunched up. ‘I don’t have to swear---’

But Agnes wasn’t looking at Rory’s creased face. She was staring at the lake, which was moving.

‘Shut ap. There…it’s moving man…’

The two raced down the bank for a closer look. ‘We’re…we’re right by her.’

‘You think that’s actual her?’ Agnes whispered; eyes unmoving from the lake. The water rippled. The two were gripping each other, palms sweaty. The movements seemed to die down, but the nerds did not move from their position. Nobody else seemed to be around the lake, at least not from their end. The smell of seaweed punctured their noses, and the icy air began to bite their skin. ‘Hmm. Let’s go back. See if any movements been caught.’

Agnes and Rory settled back into their camper chairs and watched until the sky turned a pale orange. They had put on their second layer of clothing, but they did not become dispirited. Many hunts had turned up unsuccessful. But they were adamant this was it. Their breakthrough. Rory got up after his cup of tea to find a spot to relieve himself, and Agnes scanned her devices. There was definitely something in there. Green lights bleeped and blinked at her. Something was moving along... she took a glance up at the water, but it looked stilled. Lost in thought, Agnes began humming and decided to pull out her phone because Cynthia Eviro wasn’t getting out of her head any time soon. No One Mourns the Wicked was played on the highest volume, to feel the full emotions, and Agnes half thought about the speaker in the back of her campervan. Who would be bothered by Glinda the Good Witch singing about her dead best friend? She looked back to the screen. The figure looked like it was swaying back and forth. Agnes almost jumped out of her skin when Rory called her phone. She returned her gaze to the lake and heard Rory’s slightly broken-up voice.

‘Yo, Aggy. There’s donuts and all round here. Found a wee pudding shop. Tourist trap.’

‘Well don’t get tourist-trapped then, man. You barely have a tenner.’

‘They ave Biscoff-flavoured donuts, Ag.’

‘Get four.’

As the music began to play once more, Agnes smiled at the thought of the beautiful donuts who were soon to be hers, when her stomach dropped. Four bright green orbs were facing her. At least fifty feet away from her yes, but one look at the blinking screen on her lap made her almost scream. There was a huge, huge something floating on the screen exactly where the orbs were. Eyes? The thing that had been swaying around was now fully still. And possibly…looking at her? Agnes swallowed loudly, her heart beating like a drum. There were camera’s all around her. The music brought her back to reality, as it changed songs. Agnes’s hands were shaking as she listened to What Is This Feeling? She stared at the green lights which began moving in the strange swaying motion again. What was it doing? Even if it wasn’t Nessie, it was as if a large fish was doing a beastly, monster-ish dance. Monster mash. Agnes began giggling manically.

‘Nessie is that you? Nessie if yer a Wicked fan please show yerself. I’ve got a video idea…’

The next thing that happened to Agnes, well. It was like a thousand emerald cities had exploded in front of her eyes. The orbs that looked like eyes started moving upwards rapidly. They were attached to a large head. And a long, long neck rose above the frosty water as elegantly as a swan. It looked like a dinosaur. It looked like the Loch Ness Monster. Agnes knew. She had known she would find her. Or did Nessie find her? She stared at the large, swaying creature as she moved towards the bank, and found her shock wearing off. She found her eyes were watering with tears, and her shaking hands cupping her mouth. Nessie’s skin was a shining mix of violet and blue, her four green eyes blinked slowly, and a snout which resembled Arlo’s from the Good Dinosaur (Agnes’ favourite film after Wicked) They were soft and bright, and Agnes could not tear her own from them. Nessie was beautiful. It was a shell-shocking moment. Cynthia Eviro and Ariana Grande’s sing-arguing pierced the air between them. Defying Gravity. This was defying something, alright. The Loch Ness Monster opened her large mouth. Then spoke. In a Scottish accent.

‘I was wondering who was playing Wicked! Ma gawd, when a tell you I'm the biggest fan...I’m not over the press tour, gal. And Cynthia’s nails. Hellooo? Can we talk aboot it!? Gives me LIFE. Oh see, this song is ma favourite.’

Agnes fell out of her chair.

‘YOU ARE A WICKED FAN? HAH. HAH. OH MY. NESS? OH—’

‘Hush, gal. I’m trying tae not be seen here! Honestlyy.’

‘Gal. Gal. I’ve got you. You want the camera’s awf?’

‘Go on chick.’

‘Oh, here comes the best part. Ready?’

‘I’m ready hen. I am READY.’

‘I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY IN THE END…’

‘I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY MY FRIEND…’

‘NO, LEAVE HER ALONE! SHE HASN’T DONE ANYTHING WRONG…’

‘I’M THE ONE YOU WANT, I’M THE ONE YOU WANT—’

‘IT’S MEEEEEEE!’

‘SO, IF YOU CARE TO FIND MEEE…GO ON NESS—’

‘LOOK TO THE WESTERN SKY, AS SOMEONE TOLD ME LATELY, EVERYONE DESERVES THE CHANCE TO… FLY!’

‘AND IF I’M FLYING SOLOO, AT LEAST IM FLYING FREEEE!’

‘SO GOOD? HOW IS SHE SO GOOD?’

‘YOU’RE A FAIR SINGER, NESS LIKE!’

‘Hen, no-one down here sings. Silkie's are proper bores. You got Lorne sausage there haven’t ye? A can smell it. Naw, honest, I heard ye an I was like, that’s reet up ma street. I’d die for Wicked like. Trying to cosplay Elphie soon.’

‘Naw…I literally cosplayed Glinda on release day. Shut ap, Ness.’

‘Gal we’re literally like one. Loch been treating ye alreet?’

‘Och, thought it was gonny rain so not bad, ye know.’

‘Your pal’s come back. But he’s just dropped all ye donuts. Och, it’s Biscoff too. Geet up, mon!’

Agnes turned, laughing. ‘Oh, Rory. He’s a chump, like.’ Nessie laughed, and a flock of birds took off in fright.

Rory sat up, donuts rolling out of the paper bag on his lap and rubbed his head. ‘Ag…Ag?’

‘Oh sugar, he’s hit his head hard. He canny talk.’

‘Naw, he’s fine. Ag is short for Agnes.’

‘Ooooh, Ag-Ness! Girl, we’re literallyyyyy twins!’

‘Gal. Gal. I love it.’

Rory’s bleary eyes blinked up at Agnes, then flickered to Nessie, who loomed in the background.

‘Ag…is…is…are you seeing—’

‘Nessie! Told you we’d see her!’

‘You’re…talking…to Nessie…the Loch Ness—’

‘Och, don’t say monster, it’s soo last century.’

Rory froze with his mouth half open. ‘Nah, Nessie’s just actual spoke to me. Did we crash into the lake and die? Are we hallucinating? AG? AGGY I THINK WE’RE DEED!’

‘SHUT YER MOUTH RORY WE’RE NOT DEED!’ Agnes shook her friend and picked a donut up. ‘Have one of these. Look, we’re just vibing. It’s just us and Ness. Ness reckons it’s a bore down there.’

Rory stared at Agnes, then screwed his face up again. ‘Is that…you’re playing the Wicked Witch of the West songs RIGHT NOW?’

‘Duh! Me and Ness were duetting! You missed out, man.’

Rory began faintly. ‘Duet…’

‘And it was Defying Gravity, little mon,’ Nessie cut in. ‘The Wicked Witch of the West is the name Morrible gives Elphaba, duh. Gods, wasn’t it so sad when she said that about her skin?’

Agnes turned to Nessie once more. ‘Don’t, oh my, I can hardly think aboot that scene, Ness! So sad. Glinda—’

‘Wanted to go with her too!’

‘Gal. Stop!’

‘Och, you’re ma twin for real.’

Rory was silent for a moment. Then, he jumped up and screamed:

‘YOU LIKE WICKED?!’