nEARLY iNSANE

I walked away. I was just not going to be able to hold it together for another minute. It just hurts too much, and my stupid emotions picked a fine damn time to surface again, when I'm at work taking care of someone.

I'm looking into someone's face, asking what activity they'd like to do after dinner, and thinking, 'I am not okay right now'. It's not even like I could talk on the phone if I wanted to— no crisis line for me... but then, this situation in particular might not be their usual call. At least nothing is trying to get into my body right now. They usually don't bother me at work, although it wouldn't be the first time. (Demons are such assholes.)

And here I was, relishing every moment I wasn't surface-level depressed or fraying over this. Last time I was getting to a low point, I felt like my heart had liquefied and melted right out through my chest, and that was melting too. And here I am, listening to people say they're discouraged about finding someone when they're years younger than me and do not have the same problem exactly, or they're projecting something onto me because it's the first time they've been without someone for a month or two.

Really. I am in so much pain right now, I just want to destroy something.

But here we are, back at the falling point again, staring my own catacombs in the face, and being quite aware of exactly how far I could fall, emotionally. I keep this pain in the background because I cannot. deal with it. This is such a bad joke, though. I am honestly not just a cautionary tale, but a horrible, horrible joke:

I'm literally over here avoiding the word "depression" because I don't want to throw it around, and I'm the one depressed enough over him that I suppress my emotions over the situation, constantly. It's always there. I live in these catacombs, watching you all live whatever the hell "life" is, from deep in the ground, waiting with baited breath for the day I'll finally join the rest of the damn human race.

And I can't figure out, when we do finally cross paths in the waking world, whether we'll both just be an absolute, ridiculous mess, or locked in a *bizarre* amount of disbelief, or maybe, I'll finally get to fucking flirt for once, and actually feel like I can enjoy it, because it's you. Or if your friends know, they might distrust me and make a scene. Because you met me in a dream, so of course, I'm obviously evil. (I mean, I am sus af on a regular basis, but it would honestly be pretty funny to me if they thought *I* was the suspicious one, when I'm still not 100% sure if you're actually just a trap for more demon-y bullshit. They have tried so hard for so long to get into my body. They tried today. No wonder I'm this exhausted. Christmas, they didn't bother me, but literally all I did the whole day was lay on the floor, shower, and go back to sleep. I've been so depleted lately.

And "sick of this" would be thee biggest understatement that ever under'ed. Or stated. I just want to learn to go Astral and find you, at this point. But it's been less than 6 hours since yet another piece of Fallen asshat shit was trying to press its way into the front of my skull. It's the demons trying to get in, for me, apparently.

That ass was trying hard, too. That hurt. I mean it's not like they *can* get in, or have anything to latch on to if I determine there's not, but still. There's not enough room in here, between me and my own inherent spirit. You think you're getting in? Good luck. You're gonna need it.

--this psychology has honestly saved me, in part. People are spoonfed the sickest lies about what they call the "supernatural". And while apparently we have quite some work to do in terms of fixing the defenses, I have made some progress. A few nights ago, when I was going to sleep, a demon tried flying right into me-- they ricocheted off my shoulder and didn't bother trying again.

But I still don't trust it. There have been so many of them over the years, trying to possess me. And I've clearly seen them affecting others, whether it was the time i saw the white orbs coming out of Brooke's headspace and she suddenly stopped acting like the bitch she'd been for the past 6-9 months and power-ignoring me in the halls like I didn't exist and went back to acting like we were still friends... (and they wonder why I don't watch possession story horror movies…) -- or the time a black orb flew into my mom's drink and she was throwing up for two weeks straight, after she drank that shit.

I'm still questioning whether my parents are entirely themselves sometimes, or at least gripped by the AUEI state (Acting Under External Influence), that they almost got me with once. It's a bad kind of funny, because if demons hadn't attacked me so many times trying to get in, I might not have known to be on guard and watching my thought line and consciousness, and the feeling. of that mode. is actually substantially subtle: The marked lack of any sense of reason or logic, in favor of a destructive idea being the one difference (such as shredding an important paper you'd be screwed without for no reason— or ripping your child's drawing apart right in front of them, knowing that would break their little heart, and realizing you were suddenly ready to do this without any previous thought line or reason attached to it the moment before). –A state where the self is still very much surface level, and it feels like normal reality, and they still see and perceive everything around them. They could watch themselves acting with a front row seat centerstage just like it was a dream, if they don't catch it in time and escape it.

It's alarming. Plenty of people have intrusive thoughts, and people are not their actions, but I don't want to know what would have happened if I had not known better than to question what was going on at this one exact moment, that one time. I might not even be me, right now, if I hadn't caught it just then, and escaped.

And that is evil. True, original evil going against a Thinking Being: going against Nature itself, to take away their very first inalienable right as a thinking being, their free will. I used to hate demons. But I don't know that I spare that kind of emotional expense at this point, even for them, when they're really just a bunch of brats. I'm not even scared, the way Hollywood tells people they should be, of these big, powerful, terrifying Demons that us corporeal beings "can't" do anything about. I'm just tired.

It's just another sad joke. (They are.) They're really just a pain in my entire ass. But I'm not about to allow anything to overtake me, at this point-- especially after they've tried so hard all this time. (I have too. They can join the damn club.)

But I am particularly worried that if I did go Astral to try to find you, as you've found me, that might be their window to find a way in. And there are no words for how unacceptable that would be.

and I'm not sure there's any amount of depression or desperation that would change that, and that is saying a lot.

But then, you're really the suspicious one. And you must know I tasted your soul with that kiss-- but you had to have figured this would come across questionably.

So hell, maybe when we do cross paths one day, we end up in a back alley somewhere, and I'll just interrogate you. Who the hell are you? How do you know where I go? Was that you in the rift following me into that restaurant, and did you ever figure out which character was actually me after I sat down in a booth and changed my appearance?

What's your real name, and your favorite color? Have you been this depressed too? Are you attracted to men? And does it matter to you if I'm a little attracted to women once in a while? Because honestly, it doesn't matter to me. There's not a soul on this earth I wouldn't pass up just to know you.

"Now, if you could just do me a solid, and prove that you're not a demon, that would be great," I could say. -- or that you aren't overtaken. I worry. Maybe not as much as I should be worrying, though. (This is a horrible idea. But if I'm not going Astral to find you--- and there are like 8 billion people in the world-- how the hell are you doing this?????)

I only told my second therapist about you a couple months ago and not too long after, they had to move. I was worried for YEARS that anyone I told would think I'm just crazy.

And here I had a licensed professional telling me they didn't think so. (Of course I did explain this VERY fully. With a lot of examples and SEVERE stress on the fact that I *DO* KNOW the difference between dreams and reality. I just happen to believe in this being a possibility, being fully aware how VERY out-there it is as a concept.

But this is no news to me, considering dreams as some kind of nexus between science, faith/spirituality, and psychology. I've seldom walked this path that people have been preaching for the longest time, about the "spirit world" being a separate mode, that people need a Wedgie Board or cards to access. That is simply not the reality I have been living, for a very long time now.)

But I couldn't say how much I needed that one extra person to talk to, even if she might never really understand what this feels like. For a little while, I had one more person I could actually talk to about this. Even though they hadn't experienced this before, and that's maybe the worst part of all. No one else has. No one I know, anyway.

The only reason this lasted was because it was always about you and I, and nothing and no one else. But now, it's about hiding. I'm hiding a lie, that there's no one.

I'm a living, walking lie-- I am the lie now. But before I let myself realize I had fallen for you, literally, everything felt like a lie. So I don't know of it's all just a trick. At least in admitting this, one thing can be true. I should literally walk around telling people "my love life is a mystery"-- at least that would be true.

Because I'm over here trying to bury my ears in the sand when any love song comes on, and *avert mine eyes*. They see attraction, I see something I usually don't feel for people, at all. They hear a sweet love song, and I think consequences because I cannot even think of you most of the time. It just hurts too much, and I cannot even DEAL with too much attention from people in a flirty manner. It doesn't just make me really uncomfortable because I'm not here for it; it makes me more depressed, when I'm already so depressed, because it's not coming from the one person I would want to hear any of this from. And who the hell are they to presume they have the business getting in my face like that, anyway?? Hell, it actually makes me angry. I can't usually even think about what would happen when we do eventually meet (theoretically). I used to think about this. And now, I just can't.

But we are living in the lands of all the lonely people walking the earth. People with troubling amounts of uncertainty in their futures, but people who have free hearts, and you stole mine. I can't even say I really want it back, when I still just want you.

But honestly, this is awful. Humanity has this inescapable tendency toward focusing on love, and don't get me wrong-- I GET IT-- and unfortunately, that's the problem. Because it is SO IN MY FACE, AND IT IS FUCKING. E V E R Y W H E R E . like I'm literally just trying to function and not be depressed every waking moment. My spirit has actually cried in our sleep over this. I am *saturated* with the weight of dealing with this. And here they all are, listening to movie characters make sex sounds like it's nothing, and making a staggering majority of music about love, attraction, seggs, and relationships. It is INESCAPABLE and I'm just trying to exist over here.

They can enjoy these things though. Some apparently can, anyway. They are free to. They just have perceptable uncertainty in their paths. I get the feeling there are people out there who would say, 'how are you complaining, when you have some kind of indication there's at least someone out there for you?' (Aside from *ALL* the people who would think this is not real. Or insane. Only NEARLY. Sorry we never asked your personal permissions to be depressed/ frustrated spooks over here. We'll try to remember next time lol)

But aside from the inherent risk in believing in a *VERY* out-there concept, let's really think about this. So many people "out there" worry about whether there is someone for them. (See, "Somebody to Love" by Queen).

What would it mean to you, if you did have some Form of Indication that there was definitely one particular person "out there", "for" you, and some concept optimistically, of who it would be? And would you be willing to deal with the consequences of such theoretical knowledge? You might be thinking, 'who wouldn't want that?'

Now, what if you don't know when or where you'll meet? Could be 35 years from now, or it could be tomorrow, right? That's no different from anyone else on the planet. It's the feeling of certainty, security, and especially, *wantedness*, that I think many people would be after.

What if you had something you believed in, that most other people probably wouldn't? What if there was no actual guarantee you were right? What if you still felt that was what was meant to happen?

What would you deal with, to know that there was someone just "out there" like that? (It IS a very "out there" concept. Reminder: you were WARNED.)

What would you do, to know in your heart that you will find someone? Or that if it hadn't worked out, you would find someone else? (And if belief is knowing in your heart, what is stopping you from having faith in that now?)

Now, what if once you found some indication of there "really" being someone "out there", you found you couldn't just "put yourself out there" and make the most of life as a single Pringle for the time being, or flirt, or date other people? Because it was really all *THAT* kind of pointless, because that was the one person you wanted everything with. And other possibilities were there, but they weren't that person, so they didn't even matter?

And at the end of the day, you would put up with any amount of emotional decimation. You would wait any amount of time just to know that person. Not for a hug, not for a night together. Not for a kiss. But to know them.

And you could feel like you are fraying down to your very last thread in their absence. You could feel like your own heart was rotting inside of your chest while it beats, but there is no giving up, because then you'd never find out, in this lifetime. You would know that putting down the book is not the same thing as finishing the story, so you stay. And you wait. And you wait.

AND YOU WAIT.

Would you want that? For one person? Would you really want that?

Would you want to become a lie?

I am honestly sick to death of people not even having a clue.

I've been told by an aroace friend that they "understand". How could they, when they don't want anyone, and I want you? My blood is red. Don't doubt that for a moment.

I've been told by someone in a loving relationship, who can see or call or text their partner any time they want (within reason), that they "understand"-- and there lies the real presumption.

I have to worry night and day about what would happen if I did tell some new friend the truth, or an old friend who deserved a better explanation of why I didn't see him that way. I'll scare you off, or you'll write me off and call it crazy. Like I don't know that. You'll call me crazy. I expect this.

So I guess I'll just. Continue to wait, call myself severely demisexual and pray the next well-meaning dudebro to cross my path won't catch feelings too, because he knows me well enough now-- but I can't feel the same when you already have me.

I'm a liar.

I miss you with every shred of me, and I've never even met you.

So, yknow, how dare you.

How dare you steal a part of me. You showed up on my BIRTHDAY. You located me when I moved to this city, too, and I woke up sensing your presence had been here, trying to rub my back in the physical world when I was in bad enough pain to be nauseous last winter. How dare you come over here again and again and spy on me and show me you care that I recognize it's you, because you keep dressing the exact same way. It's like you've been saying, "you remember me, right?"

Well I remember you telling me you feel the same way about the humans just talking about who's with who. So how dare go locating me again, or tag your "name" out in Baltimore or try to rub my back in the physical realm--- because if you know, and you can locate me, and you feel the same way, then why aren't you here??!??!

I just wish I was some kind of prophet, honestly. I wish i was a fortune teller. But I'm just █ █████. I'm a soul reader. A very VERY harassed and out-of-practice corporeum reader. I'm just a spiritual being.

No use to anyone but me, and the occasional cat soul or person with a puzzling medical problem on their hands.

I'm not a psychic. I won't tell you your future or do a reading, or tell you what my Ouija Board says. I won't evangelize you, and I won't tell you I saw your pet's soul looking at me where it laid when it was time to say goodbye and F. said that he loves you both.

I'm not a starseed or an indigo, or a medium, or insane, or clairvoyant, or even an "old soul."

I'm just a soul that fell in love with another soul. And I am in pain every single day because of it, because you're not here. So, where the hell are you, you... sussy baka. Get your ass over here. You ass.

P.S. Thank you for coming to my fucking Ted Talk. You weirdos.