My Name Is Unimportant

My name is Unimportant, I know it's a weird name, but it's how my parents registered me. When they were asked by the registrar, "what is their name?", they said, "their name is unimportant". The registrar took that to mean that that was my actual name. My parents didn't say anything else about it, hence my name.

I walked into a bar, it hurt so I walked around the bar, and into the restaurant, it was a really posh restaurant. I was greeted by the greeter, well maitre de as they're called here. He asked in a fake French accent, if I was booked in. I said I wasn't, but I was there to meet my friend, I nodded in the direction of Angelique De Poisson, the greeter walked over to her, said something I couldn't hear, then beckoned me over. I sat at the table with my friend Angelique, I looked at the menu, which was completely in French, which I thought was very weird considering we were nowhere near France. I had no idea what the menu said, so Angelique ordered for me, she also told me she would pay, as she knew full well I never had any money for such luxuries as food.

I wasn't there for socialising, I was there because Angelique had work for me, she needed me to follow her husband, lover and business partner, yes they were all different people. She thought her husband, lover, and business partner were all doing the dirty on her in one way or the other, she thought her husband and lover were having an affair, and she thought her business partner was spending company funds on personal items. We had a lovely, but very small meal, apparently it's how rich people eat. One piece of cheese and one grape, balanced on top of a small cracker biscuit type thing, a bowl of soup that was so small even a mouse would have difficulty being full up after eating it, followed by a trio of cheesecakes, which were small enough to have shoved up my nose with ease.

Later that afternoon, I followed Albertiniquitania, Angelique's husband. He walked into the same restaurant I had been in earlier. He managed to go in without walking into the bar first, his eyesight is better than mine, due to him having laser treatment to correct any problems he had. He had no idea who I was, he had met me, and been introduced to me on several occasions, but every time I saw him, he thought I was a member of staff. He waltzed into the restaurant, which I thought was a weird way to move, but hey he was a good dancer. Albertiniquitania, who from now on I shall call Albert, sat at a table in the middle of the restaurant, I believe this was a strategic move, so that he couldn't be seen from the window, I went into the restaurant, the greeter asked if I had a table, I said that I didn't want a table, he said if I didn't have a table I couldn't stay, so I told him I'd like a table, he looked at his little notebook, then gave a wry smile, and said, "we have one available", I told him that was great, and that I'd take it, he said, "ok, it is on the twelfth of next month", I told him I needed a table now, he said he couldn't do that. After a bit of back and forth with the greeter, a young couple walked in, they asked for a table, the greeter asked if they had a booking, they said they didn't, he told them not to worry, that there was always a table for people as important as them. I thought I recognised them, they were Rob Roberts, and Roberta Roberts, the famous actors from the 'The Slow and The Calm' franchise, they'd been doing those films for around twenty years.

The greeter took them to their seats, then came back to me. I asked how come they got seats immediately, but I couldn't, instead of answering my question, he simply asked, "can you afford to eat here?" I told him that I couldn't, he nodded at the door, I left, but sat outside, looking at the door. After about twenty minutes, a beautiful young lady walked in, she was around six feet tall, sleek, and had an aura of elegance around her. She walked to the middle of the restaurant, from where I was I could just about see the table where Albert was sitting, the lady walked straight over, the greeter didn't even speak to her, she just walked right in. I knew exactly who she was, she was Madelena, the lover of Angelique. I'd never met her in person, but Angelique had given me a photo of the two of them. I sat outside the restaurant for over an hour, I tried really hard to lip-read them..............I have stew...............no, that wasn't what they were saying...................I hate you......................nope, not that either....................I need poo.................no, that wasn't it either, after a few more failed attempts, I realised I couldn't lip-read. I was cold, tired, and my bum was going numb. I decided I wasn't going to get anywhere, especially sitting there not doing anything. So, I got up, then immediately sat back down, my legs had gone to sleep, I rubbed them, and woke them up, I managed to get up and walk over to my car.

That evening, I went to the office, and home, which are the same place, I sleep in my office. I wrote up my report, which basically just read, "A met M, at a French restaurant", as that was all that had happened. I lay on the sofa, and started dropping off, so I got up off the floor, put myself back on the sofa and went to sleep. I was woken in the morning by the sound of my phone ringing, I answered, it was Angelique, she wanted an update. I told her I hadn't got anything to go on, she said yes, she knew my toilet was broken, but how was the case going. I explained that all I'd seen was Albert meeting Madelena, that I'd tried to lip read, Angelique said, "you can't lip read", I told her I know, but it was worth a try. I said that today I would try to follow her business partner, she told me that would be a good idea, as she was taking Albert to see an opera that day, so he shouldn't be with anyone else, she said concentrating on Josephine would be the best thing to do. She gave me a bag, she told me it was an advance on my wages. I asked her how I could use a bag to pay my bills, she told me it was a designer, Louise Voucroc bag, and that I could sell it to the man in the jewellery shop.

I did what she suggested and got a good price for it. I was hungry, so I headed for the hot dog stand, but got distracted, when I saw Josephine, she was walking towards the jewellery shop that I'd recently come from. I hid from her, I was where I could see her, but she couldn't see me, I saw her pacing back and forth outside the jewellery shop, she then took a deep breath and walked into the door, it was a glass door, she didn't realise it wasn't open, she held her bloody nose, opened the door, and walked through. I went to the window. I was just out of sight of Josephine, I saw her being tended to by the sales assistant, she had given her a piece of tissue, and got her to sit with her head down. I really wanted to go in to see how Josephine was, but I knew I couldn't do that. So I carried on watching from a distance. After a while, Josephine stopped bleeding, she took something from her bag and placed it onto the counter, the sales assistant picked it up, looked at it, and nodded, she then gave Josephine a hand full of cash. I assumed Josephine had just sold something, but didn't know if it was something she owned, or something she'd stolen. I waited patiently for Josephine to leave, when she was out of sight, I walked back into the jewellery shop, I asked the sales assistant if the lady who left had just sold her something, she said she wasn't allowed to tell me, so I handed her a small wad of notes, then asked again, she looked puzzled, and asked why I'd handed over my notes, and who were A and M. I took the notes back, and handed her some money instead, then asked my question again, she said, "you didn't hear this from me", she then proceeded to get a sock puppet from under the counter, the sock puppet told me that yes, Josephine had indeed sold something, and was given a pretty penny for it, but a pretty penny was nowhere near enough for her, so after some negotiation, they decided on an acceptable amount, then she left. I left the shop, went to the office, wrote up the beginning of my report, I knew I'd need to write more later.

The next day, I decided to see if I could get Angelique to have a meet-up with her husband, (Albert), lover (Madelena), and partner (Josephine). I went to her art gallery, there were some interesting paintings, and some paintings that looked like scribbles drawn by toddlers. I tried to get in, but the huge brute of a security guard wouldn't let me in, he kept insisting that somone of my cal-I-brrr, couldn't possibly know Ms Angelique. I kept explaining that I was indeed friends with Ms Angelique, and if he just went over and asked her, he'd find that out. He said he could ask, but wasn't allowed to leave his post, so I asked if he could use his radio, he said they weren't allowed to play music. I gave up, walked over to a large bench, sat on it, and immediately got shouted at, "how very dare you?!" boomed a very effeminate voice. I asked what I'd done, he explained that I had just defiled a priceless piece of art, with my worthless piece of arse. I immediately stood up, and apologised. I said I thought it was just a bench. "Just a bench?! Just a bench? Just a bench they said!". I again apologised, the man seemed to be about to hyperventilate, so I handed him a brown paper bag, he snatched it from my hand and inhaled, unfortunately he inhaled the breadcrumbs from the food that had been in it. I tried to help him, he told me he didn't want my help, and it would be better if I stayed well away from him. He then went into the art gallery. I rang Angelique, and asked her if she could come to the door and let me in. I started walking towards the door, the security guard growled at me, each time I got within a few steps of the door. Fortunately, Angelique came and spoke to him, he then begrudgingly let me in. I asked Angelique if she would arrange the meet-up I mentioned earlier, she said she didn't know what meet-up I'd mentioned earlier, so I explained. Angelique said she thought that would be a good idea, because then I could see the dynamic of each person, I just smiled and nodded, I had no idea what she meant, but I thought I could see how they all interacted with each other.

Angelique arranged the meet-up, it was in the posh French restaurant, she'd arranged two tables. She didn't like the way they'd been arranged by the staff. She put me on one table with her business partner, while she was at another with Albert and Madelena. Angelique gave me her credit card, and told me to have whatever I wanted and to put it on her card. We met up later that day, Angelique introduced me again to Albert, as her good friend Min (that is my nickname, I couldn't really go around being called Unimportant all my life), Albert asked me to bring the wine list, which for some reason I went to do, Angelique stopped me, then explained again to Albert that I wasn't the waiting staff, that I was actually her friend. Myself and Josephine sat at a table close to the others, but far enough away for them not to hear us. I decided to ask Josephine some questions, Josephine had no idea what my job was, she assumed I was just "some scruff Angelique, had felt sorry for", in her words. I asked how she was, she said physically she was well, but she was having mental and emotional problems, she really opened up to me, she told me how she was also facing financial ruin after her ex husband had taken everything in the divorce, he'd even taken things that belonged to Josephine, because he changed the pre-nup after Josephine signed it, unfortunately there was no way Josephine could prove that it was changed after she'd signed. Her ex-husband was a con-man, an expert forger, and a horrible person. I won't go into the things he did, but I will say Josephine used way more make-up when he was around, but it still didn't cover exactly what he'd done to her.

I remember Angelique being relieved when Josephine said she was getting a divorce.

Josephine really opened up a lot, she told me she couldn't afford the upkeep on the home she'd inherited from her parents after her divorce. The home was in fact a huge stately home, complete with staff, stables, and horses. Josephine told me that she couldn't afford to keep her rooms warm, she could barely afford to eat. Josephine had spoken to her staff and explained the situation. She said to them that she didn't want any of them to leave, that she felt as though they were her family, but she just couldn't afford to pay them. She also told them she couldn't afford to keep the horses. The staff, who had been treated exceptionally well, and had been extremely well paid, said that they would all look for new jobs, but would be there for Josephine as much as they could. Two members of staff didn't work because they needed the money, they worked because they wanted to remain useful. They were Sabina, and Clayton, husband and wife, who had joined the family when Josephine's Grandparents owned the home. Sabina and Clayton told Josephine that they would buy the horses, as long as they could keep them at the stables, Josephine was extremely happy with that arrangement. Josephines monologue was interrupted by the waiter, "bonjour, 'av you made a diss iss ian", I looked at the waiter, then at Josephine, I had no idea what he was trying to say in his fake French accent, Josephine proceeded to tell him that yes, we had made a decision, she ordered for us, in fluent French. "Errr, errrrm, c'est bon", said the fake French waiter. I asked Josephine, if she had anything she could pawn, she said, "oh gosh no, I'd never do that, I couldn't show anyone my body", I explained that she must have mis-heard me, I then explained what I meant. Josephine went an interesting shade of red, and apologised. I told her I thought it was funny, and there was nothing to apologise for.

Josephine excused herself, and went to the ladies room. It really was a ladies room, not a toilet, it was somewhere the ladies could go, where they wouldn't be bothered by the men, I thought it was a brilliant idea. While Josephine was in the ladies room, my attention was drawn to the table Angelique was sitting at, there seemed to be a heated discussion gong on, I couldn't hear what they were saying, and of course I now knew I couldn't lip-read. However, I could understand the sign language they were using, it was not polite. The ladies stood up, and walked off, then both went into the ladies room to join Josephine. I walked over to Albert, he said, "just the bill thanks", I reminded him that I wasn't staff, and that I was a friend of Angelique, he then burst into tears, and kept saying Angelique's name over and over again. I asked what was wrong, and if I could help in any way or if he wanted to talk to me. Albert told me he and Angelique had been having problems in the bedroom. This was not something I was comfortable speaking about, but Albert carried on. "She wants to sleep with, I can't believe she'd do this to me, she wants to sleep with a fan on". I wasn't sure if I'd heard correctly, so I repeated what he'd said, he started crying again, and through his sobs he told me yes, that was correct. I asked how that was a bedroom problem, he told me it was because he couldn't sleep if there was noise in the bedroom. I reminded him that they live in a twenty five bedroom mansion, with two barn conversions. I asked if he could maybe sleep in one of these, he stopped sobbing, and looked at me with contempt, he asked me why I thought he should be the one to move from their bedroom. I replied that it was because the house belongs to Angelique, therefore, she should decide where she sleeps. He started being rather mean to me, so I suggested he could sleep in his lover's bedroom instead. I didn't mean to say it, it just kind of popped out. Albert looked at me, with deep hurt in his eyes, he said in all sincerity, "why do you think I could do that to my darling Angelique, I love her so much it hurts, right now it feels like my heart is beating out of my chest, and I can barely breathe", it was then I realised he was having a heart attack, so I got the greeter to ring an ambulance, we asked if there was a doctor in the restaurant, several people put their hands up and said that they'd played a doctor on a show, so I explained we needed a real life, qualified doctor, a lovely lady came over, and did the doctor type things on Albert, after a short while the ambulance arrived, and took Albert to the hospital. In all the commotion, I forgot that the ladies were in the ladies room, I stood at the door, and started waving to them, the door man told me that the ladies room was not for the likes of someone like me, I explained that I didn't want to go in, I just needed to talk to my friend, I told him what had happened to Albert, he then went and got Angelique for me, she said, "is that right? Has Albert gone to hospital?", I told her that yes, he had. Angelique went and fetched the other ladies. We all went outside, I said I could drive them to the hospital, if they all wanted to go. It was the type of posh hospital where the patient can have as many visitors as they like, as long as their payments keep going through.

The ladies all looked at my car. They asked how they would all get in, I explained that the front doors opened, the seats went forward, then two of them could climb in the back, this was not the kind of two-door car they were used to. Madelena said, "well beggars can't be choosers I suppose, tally ho", she climbed into the back, and so did Josephine. Angelique sat in the front with me. We got to the hospital, the concierge at the door let the ladies in, but told me that staff have to wait in the lobby. I couldn't be bothered to explain I wasn't staff, so I waited in the lobby. In all honestly, I really needed a sit down and a cup of tea. A lovely old man shuffled over to me, he asked what he could get me. I told him I'd like a cup of tea, but I didn't mind getting it myself. He said it was fine, it was his job to look after people. After a short while the lovely old man came back, he gave me a cup of black tea, I asked him if there was any milk, or sugar, he told me he'd get some, afer a while he came back with some milk, I asked about sugar, he apologised for not bringing it, and said he'd get me some, I told him it was ok, and that I should cut back on my sugar intake. He smiled politely at me, then asked if I'd like a biscuit, I politely declined. He then told me I looked familiar. I studied his face, the wrinkles seemed to spell out the words of several Shakespeare plays, I told him I thought we'd lived in the same area about a decade ago. He said that was right, and that he remembered I'd got a weird name, I told him that my name was Unimportant, he said, "oh no my dear, everyones names are important", I then explained that my actual name, on my birth certificate is Unimportant, but I get called Min for short, he then smiled the widest smile I'd seen, since I'd watched Alice in Wonderland with the Cheshire Cat, "ooooooooh, yes, yes, I DOOOOOOOO I DOOOOOO remember you"!!!!!!!!!!!" He sort of half shouted, half sang. He told me his name was Bob Bobson, he lived next door to Job Jobson, he remembered that the children thought their names were hilarious. Bob asked me what I was doing at the hospital. I told him the whole story, he asked how Albert was, I said I didn't know, as I wasn't allowed into the hospital, only in the lobby. He then said he'd find out for me. After an hour, Bob came back, he said that Albert was hooked up to machines, which were monitoring his heart, and other things, he said the ladies were still in the room, they were all chatting to each other. I thanked Bob, and asked if I could do anything for him, he asked if I could get him a date with Josephine, I laughed, and told him that unless he was millionaire he probably wouldn't have a chance, he laughed and said, "ok then", and winked at me, he then whispered to me, "I am a millionaire", I asked what he was doing working at the hospital, if he's a millionaire, he said he just liked helping people, that he'd had a job for thirty years, but they went bankrupt, he also told me he'd been living hand to mouth for a few years, then one day he bought a scratch off ticket thing, he said it was one of the cheap ones. Apparently those ones only had one one million card, the rest all had a maximum of ten, but most only had one, so on the offchance of the million, Bob bought it, took it home, got himself a cup of tea, and a cold tin of beans, then used the end of his fork to scratch off the silver, he said he stared at the card for a good few minutes, before he realised he'd actually won.

Just as I was about to say something else to Bob, Angelique came to me. She told me that Albert was in a stable condition, but they wanted to keep him in for observation. I asked if she and the ladies wanted a lift home, she said that she would be staying, but that the others would be grateful of a lift home. I realised Bob was still there, he was staring at Josephine, like she was the only person there, it really was rather sweet. "Oh Bob, let me introduce you to the ladies", I said, I introduced him to the three ladies, he smiled politely at Angelique and Madelena, but he gently kissed Josephine on the hand. I gave my car keys to Madelena, and asked her to go to the car, that I just needed a quick chat with Josephine. I turned around, about to tell Josephine that Bob liked her, and would like to go for a drink with her, however I didn't need to do that at all. As I turned, I saw Bob and Josephine staring into each other's eyes. I walked over to them, and coughed politely. They both stopped gazing at each other, and looked at me. I asked Josephine if she was ready to go home, she said that she wasn't going just yet, that she had some unfinished business to attend to. Bob grinned, and said, "my dear, I AM the unfinished business". I shook Bob's hand, gave Josephine a kiss on the cheek, and walked to the car. Madelena was standing by the car, I asked why she hadn't got in, she looked at me in total disgust, and asked me why I thought she should open her own door. I apologised to her, and told her I forgot she was a proper lady. I opened the car door for her, which caught her shin, as she was standing way too close, she called me a nincompoop, and promptly got into the back of the car. I asked why she went in the back, she said, "the driver sits at the front, one does not". I was happy with that. I drove her home, well, she actually insisted that I drop her a mile from her home, near the pub, she decided she would get her own driver to collect her from there, she didn't want anyone to see her getting out of my "pile of whatever that is". I then drove back to the office. I started to write my report, but wasn't sure exactly what to write, so I just wrote a few notes, I felt like composing music, afer I finished the musical notes, I started writing my notes on the case, but the case wasn't sturdy enough, so I put the paper on the table, and wrote there. In my notes, I wrote that yes, Josephine was desperate for money, so maybe she was doing something she shouldn't be. I wrote that I didn't think Albert was having an affair, after the way he spoke about Angelique. I then had something to eat, I say "something", because I don't know what it was, it was in an unlabeled tin in the cupboard. After that I sat on the sofa. The next thing I knew it was the following morning.

Today is the day I'll figure out what Josephine is up to, I decided. I rang Angelique to see how she was, and to see how Albert was doing. Angelique explained that Albert seemed ok, but that he needed various tests, and that he'd been given a lot of tablets to take home with him, most of them legal. She asked what my plan for the day was. I explained that I would be seeing what Josephine was up to, Angelique seemed happy with that. I heard a noise in the background, Angelique said that was the timer she'd set to remind her to go back to Albert, so off she went. I rang Josephine, and asked how things had gone with Bob, she told me she'd had the best night of her life, but she didn't want to go into details, I asked her if she was going to see him again, she said she was going to see him in the afternoon, that he'd promised to take her to the theatre. I asked them if either of them had mentioned money, she told me that no, they were too busy having fun for that. I wasn't going to be the one to tell her about Bob's fortune. I decided I would still follow Josephine, because even though I was sure she wasn't going to steal from Angelique or the business, I just needed to double-check. As I walked out of the office, I saw Josephine, she was walking towards me, she had a certain glow about her, I'm sure you know the one I mean. Bob had definitely shown her a good time. "Oh wow, thank you, thank you so much for introducing me to Bob", Josephine said. I told her I was happy they'd met, and that if they were truly happy, they should stay together. Josephine said that yes, Bob had made her truly happy, but she was worried about money, and thought she should marry a rich man, but that her heart was already with Bob. I just told her to say that to Bob, and let me know the outcome. Josephine almost skipped away, then I realised she'd just tripped over her own shoelaces. I thought I'd follow her anyway, even though I didn't think I needed to. I stayed far enough back so that she didn't know I was following her. I saw her go into the newsagents, she came out with a newspaper under her arm, she then walked to the park, sat on a a bench, and started circling something in the paper. I assumed it was either jobs or homes. I wandered back towards the office, as I assumed that Josephine wasn't going to do much else.

That afternoon, I went to the hospital, again they wouldn't let me any further than the lobby. I rang Angelique, she told me they weren't at the hospital any more, they were back home, so I drove there. Angelique met me at the door, she took me into the drawing room, where we did some drawing, then we went to the colouring-in room to colour in our pictures. Angelique did this to calm her down, it worked really well, and I found it soothing too. We then went into the living room, where Angelique told me that she thought she was wrong about Albert having an ffair. I told her that I agreed with her completely. She then told me that she should probably stop seeing her lover too. I told her that was up to her, and that maybe she could talk to Albert about it. She said she'd thought about it but Albert's heart wouldn't cope with it. I told Angelique that I didn't think Josephine was doing anything wrong, that there was nothing to say she had been stealing. I asked Angelique about the item Josephine was selling, she said, "oh that, yes I gave her that, she didn't steal it". I told Angelique that I didn't feel like I should take a payment from her for my services, as I felt like I hadn't done much, Angelique said, "oh well, if you'd rather not get paid..............", before she could finish her sentence, I explained that yes, I really did need paying, as I had bills to pay, and I was on my last unlabeled can of food. Angelique told me that I'd done a really good job actually, and that she was in a really good mood. She told me that she didn't realise how badly off I was, she thought I'd got plenty of money, but was just eccentric. I explained that no, I wasn't eccentric, just poor. Angelique giggled, and apologised profusely. "Well, now I know you didn't choose to live in your office, would you like to live here?" Angelique asked. I told her that yes, I would love to move in there, if that would be ok with her and Albert, she said, "oh no, not in the house, you can have one of the barn conversions, on the condition that you only work for me", I told her that yes, that would be lovely, but that I couldn't afford to only have one client, she then told me that she would happily give me a retainer. "How much is a retainer? Will a thousand per week do? Is that enough? I can do more", Angelique said. I told her that yes, a thousand per week is doable. Angelique then spoke to her personal assistant, who after about half an hour, handed me a contract. In the contract he'd written that Angelique would give me a thousand per week, a home, and any one of her sports cars to keep, and that Angelique would pay all of my bills, and for my food. I really wasn't expecting that, but was extremely happy about it. That's about all I can say really, ah except for this.................................

Bob and Josephine got married. Bob still hasn't told Josephine how much money he's got, he just told her she would never have to work again, and that he had more than enough money to get on with. Albert made a full recovery, he and Angelique renewed their vows, and as for Madelana, well, she started a relationship with this private investigator, whose name is.............Unimportant.