My Demons and I

The voices in my head have always been dark, suffocating and relentless. They have been with me for a long time; most of my life actually. My demons and I have grown to become friends over the years. They have been the only presence that has always been there with me. A long time ago my mom passed away. I was a mess. I didn’t know how I was supposed to act. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do with all the pain I felt. I would cry and scream inside and then I would look up through my tears and there they were, my demons.

“Why didn’t you visit her in the hospital more?”

“She probably thought you didn’t care about her”

“You’re so selfish. You only cared about making yourself feel better. You should have been there for her more.”

“She was your MOM. Now you have no one who understands you.”

Their eyes stared at me, red, empty, but somehow, also full of fire. Their words dripped through my veins and tangled around my heart. But they were there. They were always there. The constant presence in the dark.

I didn’t know how to take comfort in people back then. I didn’t know how to let people in. I didn’t know how to ask for help. I delt with it all on my own. Well, my demons and I.

I’ve always had this unrelenting need to be protected. To feel like I had someone in my life who wanted to protect me. Someone who would always look out for me and be on my side. I never really had anyone like that though. Growing up, the people in my life who were supposed to protect me didn’t. They turned a blind eye to what was happening to me, and I will never understand why. The damage that did to my developing young brain is irreversible. No child should ever wake up in their home every day and not feel safe, but I did. I think that’s when the demons found me. I was so scared and vulnerable. The dark tendrils of their voices reached out for me then and I had no one to help me understand that I shouldn’t listen. So, I did, and I absorbed every word.

“I think you're worthless.”

“You DON’T deserve friends.”

“You’re nothing.”

“You don’t matter.”

"You’re ugly. You’re fat. Other kids will make fun of you for being so fat. No one will ever like you.”

They soaked into my blood, and I was worthless. I was ugly. I didn’t deserve to have friends.

And there I stayed, under the covers of my bed, 10 years old, making friends with the voices in the dark.

From then on, they were always with me. With every day that my eyelids cracked open they danced in my head. With every night that I lie awake in fear their voices slithered into my ears. Eventually I grew up, and they were there. My mom passed away and they were there. I found myself in a terrible, toxic, destructive relationship that I wasn’t brave enough to leave, and they were there, ever festering in my head. There have been many many times when they have been my only companions.

Something very important that has gotten me through every awful thing in my life is the belief that you can always find light somewhere. That light is what carries you through to better moments. That’s how I’ve gotten here to this point in my life now. I left a man and a marriage that was destroying my soul. It was a bitter fight to get out because those voices in my head desperately wanted me to stay. They desperately wanted me to stay in a place where I was being torn apart so they could feed on the scraps of me. After a long time, I finally stopped listening.

I’ve been stumbling through my life for a long time. I finally figured out how to save myself from the human destroying me. Now that I’m out I’m just trying to figure out what life is supposed to be like. I’m still not alone though. They would never let me leave them behind. So, every day I take a step for something better while dragging along my demons behind me.