My Cabbages

Daniel woke up to a car horn blaring outside his window. Following the car horn were the screaming voices of two old men. Daniel cracked one eye open and looked at his alarm clock. It was six in the morning. He tried to drown out the noise with his pillow but it was no use. The sun streamed into his bedroom. Although it was early in the morning, Daniel’s room was already hot. His apartment didn’t have air conditioning or a cooling unit and the summer heat was relentless this year. New York City was breaking heat records daily. The humidity stuck to the locals like warm honey. He would have awoken from the uncomfortable heat despite the old men.

Daniel threw the pillow on the floor and stared at the ceiling. His ceiling fan looked as if it was melting. The men were still screaming. Finally Daniel had enough. He jumped up and went to his window. The window sill was burning hot. He recoiled from it but his frustration urged him forward. He threw the window open.

“Hey! Get out of here! What’s wrong with you? Screaming this early in the morning, get out of here!”

“Mind your business you punk!” Said one of the old men.

“You made it my business, you ugly old raisin! Go back to the home before you break a hip!” Daniel was adding to the cacophony of morning noises. The old man that engaged with Daniel threw up his hands and shuffled down the street.

“Hey thanks Danny. Stupid old man walked right into the street! He didn’t even see me!”

“Uncle Ron, are you sure he didn’t see you, or did you not see him?” Daniel chuckled.

“I’m sure I would have seen that walking hemorrhoid.” They both laughed at that statement. “Are you ready for court?” Daniel cocked his head in confusion.

“Uncle Ron, I don't have court till the 19th.” Daniel was sure his uncle was having a senior moment.

“Danny, today is the 19th.” Uncle Ron said as he cleaned his glasses.

“What are you talking about? It can't be.” Daniel pulled his phone out to check the date.

“Bet me money.” Uncle Ron said. Sure enough, Daniel realized it was the 19th. He was due in court in a couple of hours. Panic set in as Daniel rushed back inside his apartment to shower. “I told you boy.” Daniel heard his uncle say. Luckily the court house was close by and Uncle Ron didn’t believe in traffic laws. With time to spare they arrived at the courthouse.

“Thank you for taking me Uncle Ron. I appreciate you coming through for me.” Daniel said as he adjusted his tie in the sideview mirror. When he stood his uncle took a look at him and straightened his tie again.

“It just burns me up that you’re the one that got caught during that fight. You were just protecting me.” Uncle Ron said as he combed Daniel’s hair. He had to stand on his tiptoes to reach the top of Daniel’s head.

“That’s what we’ll tell the judge and hopefully they see it that way too.” Daniel stood straight and smiled at his uncle. Together they walked into the courthouse. Police filled the lobby of the courthouse. The smell of strong coffee, cheap cologne, and freshly printed court orders filled the air. Both Daniel and his uncle went through the metal detectors. Uncle Ron set one of them off and a swarm of officers came over to pat him down thoroughly.

“Easy fellas. It’s a metal hip. Unless that pretty officer over there wants to check for herself.” Uncle Ron winked at the female officer at the metal detector adjacent to the one he set off. She rolled her eyes.

“He doesn’t mean it guys. He’s old and senile. Don’t listen to him.” Daniel tried to laugh off what his uncle said.

“I’m not senile boy! You’re ruining my shot!” Uncle Ron aggressively whispered back to Daniel. The police officers surrounding Uncle Ron did not laugh. A burly one with excessively hairy arms took the liberty of patting down Uncle Ron to ensure he didn’t have any weapons. Once the burly officer was finished he waved both of them away from the entrance.

“Uncle Ron, you're going to get us in more trouble.” Daniel was sweating under his collar. Uncle Ron dismissed Daniel. They stepped into an elevator cramped with other accused persons and their legal or not-so-legal council. Finally they made it to their designated floor. When they stepped out Daniel recognized the cop that arrested him. He was a tall, clean cut man, no older than forty. Daniel remembered how this man grabbed him by the shirt and threw him as if he was a sack of potatoes. He didn’t look strong but proved Daniel wrong that day. They met each other’s eyes. Daniel could feel every muscle in his body tense up. Uncle Ron noticed the interaction as well.

“Come on boy, let’s get inside.” Uncle Ron pushed Daniel into the courtroom. They sat on an empty bench and waited to be called up for their case. Daniel and Uncle Ron sat on the bench for hours listening to other cases. Every so often a lawyer would win their argument and the judge would rule in their favor. This wasn’t a common occurrence however. Uncle Ron had fallen asleep on the bench. He leaned on Daniel’s shoulder and was drooling as he slept. This caused a wet spot to develop on Daniel’s white button down shirt. Before he noticed, Daniel was called up to the front where he was directed behind a table.

“Now hearing NYPD vs. Maxwell. Mr. Maxwell please come up to the table.” The judge said calmly. As Daniel walked up to a table on the right, the officer he recognized also walked up to the table on the left. “Mr. Maxwell raised your…” The judge stopped as she saw that Daniel and Uncle Ron had gone up to the table. “Which one of you is Mr. Maxwell?” The judge asked. Before Uncle Ron could speak Daniel cut him off.

“I’m sorry, your Honor. We’re both Mr. Maxwell, but I’m the one you want.”

“Who is this ‘Mr. Maxwell’ then. Is he your counsel?”

“No ma’am. He’s my senile uncle. He gets confused sometimes. Don’t you Uncle Ron?” Uncle Ron looked insulted.

“Don’t talk about me like that to that beautiful woman boy! I’m sorry your Honor, I’d like to apologize. Maybe over a candle lit dinner?” Daniel turned bright red and buried his head in his hands as the courtroom erupted in laughter.

“Order! Order! Mr. Maxwell, you will sit down and not speak for the rest of this hearing unless you are spoken to.” Daniel and his uncle looked at each other confused and pointed to each other, looking for clarification from the judge. “The senior Mr. Maxwell!” The judge said rubbing her temples.

“Ma’am I am so sorry for my uncle.” Daniel began but the judge held up her hand to silence him.

“Now, we are here to discuss the events of January 4th of this year, correct?” She looked over her glasses at the police officer.

“Yes, your Honor.” Said the police officer.

“Alright, both of you raise your right hand. Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you God?” Both the officer and Daniel nodded and responded ‘yes’.

“Mr. Maxwell you are being accused of assault and battery. Do you have counsel for this matter?”

“No ma’am.”

“Do you wish to be represented by a court appointed attorney?”

“No ma’am.” The judge looked at him from behind her thick rimmed glasses.

“You do know that not having adequate counsel may have the result you do not want?”

“Yes ma’am.” The judge looked exasperated.

“Fine. Officer Grant, please present your case.”

“Thank you, your Honor. On the evening of January 4th, I was called to an assault in progress at the Bodega Max. When I arrived I witnessed the accused on top of another individual attacking them. There was evidence of an extensive attack which included shelves fallen over and various produce thrown about the premises. I reacted by grabbing the accused off the victim. At that point I put Mr. Maxwell in handcuffs.” The judge looked at Daniel.

“Mr. Maxwell, what is your defense?”

“Your honor, I was acting in self defense. Not only defense of myself but of my uncle as well who owns and runs the bodega. I also work at the bodega. The “victim” Officer Grant talks about had come in angry already. He was yelling at my uncle and other patrons. I stepped in to tell the guy he needed to leave. Instead of leaving he started to throw the cabbages I had just stocked on the floor. He was flinging them really.” Daniel could see the judge was not amused. He cleared his throat. “Anyway. Once he started throwing my cabbages I put my hands on him. There was a tussle for sure, but that’s why I was on top of him when Officer Grant arrived.” Daniel shifted as he stood.

“I would say I want to hear the story from your uncle but I don’t trust what will come out of his mouth.” The judge said. Uncle Ron perked up. “Is this your only witness Mr. Maxwell?”

“Yes, your Honor.”

“Fine. Mr. Maxwell, state your name and occupation for the record.” Uncle Ron jumped up and cleared his throat.

“I am Ronald Vincente Maxwell. I own and operate Bodega Max. I am a Vietnam veteran, and there is no Mrs. Maxwell.” Again hushed laughter rolled through the courtroom.

“Mr. Maxwell you could single handedly send your nephew to jail if you keep this circus going.” Uncle Ron looked down chastised.

“I apologize your Honor. Please don’t send Danny to jail. He’s a good boy. His parents are divorced and live on separate continents. I’m the only family he’s got. He’s the only family I got.” Daniel looked over at his uncle and could see that he was being sincere.

“Then Mr. Maxwell behave! Now, tell me what happened on that day.”

“Yes your Honor. It was a typical day. It was cold I remember. I opened the shop a little later because my car got stuck in a snowdrift. It was a slow day, there weren’t many customers. The few that came in were decent except for the one Danny got into it with. He was angry about the snow or something. He was asking for lighter fluid. I don’t carry lighter fluid. I don’t know why he was asking for it. I told him I didn’t have it and he threw a fit. Started calling me racial slurs and threatening me with violence. If Danny didn’t intervene that man would have attacked me.”

“Do you genuinely believe that the victim was a threat to your life?" Asked the judge.

“Oh absolutely your Honor. I’m an old man. I don’t move around the way I used to. I don’t have most of my original parts! When that man started encroaching on my counter I was convinced I was a goner.”

“Then what happened Mr. Maxwell.”

“Well, Danny got in between me and that man. He was being real calm about it too. Danny told the man that he had to leave. That’s it! When Danny told him that, the guy freaked out and started throwing my cabbages, cucumbers, parsley, really anything he could get his hands on. Danny dodged the barrage of vegetables and tackled the guy to the ground. They knocked over my shelves and made a mess of the place. Finally they were able to get outside and that’s when the police arrived. That officer,” Uncle Ron pointed to the police officer next to him, “grabbed a hold of Danny by the shirt, and threw him like he didn’t weigh a thing.” The judge glanced at the police officer. Officer Grant hung his head.

“Is that all Mr. Maxwell?”

“Yes ma’am, your Honor. Yes, your Honor.” Uncle Ron stuttered.

“Officer Grant do you have anything else to add?”

“Your Honor, the victim in this matter does have a wrap sheet ten miles long. I would be inclined to believe that this was an act of self defense.”

“Do you have anything to say about you throwing the accused?” Asked the judge.

“Your honor, I performed based on the situation in front of me. The force that I used, I deemed worthy of the situation.” The judge looked over the rim of her glasses. She did not look convinced.

“Mr. Maxwell.” Both Daniel and Uncle Ron looked up. “Mr. Daniel Maxwell.” Uncle Ron wistfully sighed. “Mr. Maxwell I am inclined to drop this case on two conditions.” Daniel held his breath waiting to hear this condition. “Firstly, you are done fighting. No more fighting. Secondly, keep your uncle on a short leash. He needs to be watched closely.” Daniel let out a slight chuckle. Uncle Ron didn’t look amused.

“Yes, your Honor, of course.” With that the judge nodded and slammed her gavel. Daniel and Uncle Ron embraced each other. Daniel looked past his uncle and saw Officer Grant looking back at him. Daniel straightened. The officer nodded to him and turned away. Daniel was free. Uncle Ron and Daniel walked out of the courtroom. They didn’t say a word to each other until they were in the elevator.

“This has been a morning. I need a bagel.” Said Uncle Ron.

“That would be perfect right about now.” Daniel agreed. “When are you going to open the bodega though?”

“Whenever I want!” Uncle Ron looked up at Daniel defiantly. Daniel smiled and loosened his tie. They walked back through the lobby and Uncle Ron got sight of the female officer he saw earlier. “Hey gorgeous! He’s a free man, come celebrate with us!” Daniel stumbled over his feet horrified by his uncle. Daniel could see police coming toward them.

“He’s kidding, he’s kidding. Move your robotic leg!” Daniel pushed his uncle out of the courthouse before there was a problem.

“Dammit boy! Some wingman you are!” Daniel stared slack jawed at his uncle.

“Did you not hear what the judge said?”

“That judge was just playing hard to get.” Daniel shook his head.

“We need to get you food and to work. Get you off these streets.” Once they made it to Uncle Ron’s car Daniel took his tie completely off and unbuttoned his shirt to reveal his tank top underneath. “I’m really grateful to you for taking me this morning.” Daniel looked over at his uncle in the driver’s seat.

“I’m really grateful you saved my life. It’s like having my own personal bodyguard.” Daniel smiled. They drove out of the parking lot making a clean getaway.