Moving On

I feel like my world is on the verge of collapsing. My own husband, the man I pledged my life to, is cheating on me. I am standing outside a restaurant on the outskirts of town, watching Richard on a date with some blonde bimbo. As I continue watching them, I notice my husband does not seem completely present. I can’t help but wonder and hope he is at least feeling guilty for betraying me.

We used to be so happy, we were each others everything but something changed three months ago. I don’t even know what it was. One day he just started ignoring me like I wasn’t even in the room. We still sleep in the same bed, but he doesn’t even say goodnight. I remember our happy days; he would never go to sleep without wishing me a goodnight, telling me he loves me and giving me a kiss. I always thought he was perfect but now I am seeing with my own eyes just how wrong I have been. Is this woman the reason why he started distancing himself from me?

As I see them standing up, I quickly hide behind a black sedan. Once they exit the restaurant, they walk towards his grey Lamborghini. The car I bought him for his birthday last year. How could he be doing this to me? He was my first everything and I know I wasn’t his, but I truly believed I would be his last. I can’t take any more of watching this, so I make my getaway when I see his back facing me.

After getting my heart torn into shreds, I have been walking for what feels like hours. I don’t even have a destination in mind. I just want to end up anywhere but home. At least what used to be my home.

"You seem lost, my child." I hear an old man say. I have been too distracted with my thoughts to even realise I'm standing in front of a man on a bench. I am a little confused as to why he is reading a newspaper at night; I can barely see anything at this hour.

"I am, actually, just not geographically."

"What is troubling you?"

I don’t know why but there is something about this man that makes me feel soothingly calm, so I spill my guts to him. By the end of my rant he stays quiet and gives me a look full of compassion.

"I am sorry you are in pain. Throughout my life, there have been times where I have been on both sides. I have been hurt and I have hurt other people too. The only thing I will say now is, not everything is as it seems. Have an open mind. Do you believe your husband loves you?"

I take a moment to think. Looking back on all the memories we made, he couldn’t have faked those feelings for me.

"Yes, I do. At least I did, but lately we have drifted apart. He may have truly loved me once, but people do fall out of love. You know when you meet someone and fall head over heels; you think you will always feel that way, but at the end of the day nobody knows what the future holds. Everything fades, even feelings."

"Only your husband has the answer to that question. In time everything will become clear, my dear."

"Mandy, my name is Mandy."

"It is nice to meet you, Mandy."

"Likewise. Well, I think I am going to take your advice and just ask my husband for the truth. I am not going to stay in this marriage if there is nothing left to save."

After saying goodbye to the kind stranger whose name I never asked for, I make my way home. There is no excuse for his infidelity and even if he begged and grovelled for my forgiveness, I am not sure I could ever give it to him. I just need to know how he could betray me like this after all the years I invested into this relationship. It would have hurt less if he had simply just asked me for a divorce.

Once I have come home, I go upstairs to Richard’s study. He is usually up there at this time. I see him typing something on his computer; he is too enthralled by whatever he is doing to even notice me standing at the doorway.

"Mandy?"

Just before he lifts his head to look at me, I quickly sidestep behind the wall. This is harder than I thought it would be. It is really dawning on me that my marriage could very well be over. I can’t bring myself to confront him, not tonight anyway. I am too tired to think straight; I will just deal with Richard after I have gotten a good night’s sleep.

After an hour has passed Richard finally comes to bed and just like every other night he doesn’t say a word to me. He just turns away from me and goes to sleep without even a goodnight.

"Goodnight Mandy," he says, as though he purposely wants to contradict my thoughts.

"Goodnight Richard." With one final look at him I drift off to sleep and hope for a better day tomorrow.

When I wake up I see Richard is no longer here. I know he is not working today; I am well aware of his schedule. Just as I get out of bed, I spot a post-it note with an address and 11:00 written on it. I don’t know what or who is where he is going, but I intend to find out, so I dash out of the house as fast as I can.

As I arrive at my destination, I see Richard in front of a house talking to yet another woman, this time a brunette. Who am I going to see him with next, a redhead? That cheating bastard. I sneak closer to them while hiding behind some trees until I am within earshot.

"How have you been, Richard? I was not expecting to see you today. We weren’t scheduled for a therapy session until next week," the brunette says.

She’s a therapist? Why would he need to see her? Am I really that unbearable to be married to he needs to see a shrink for it?

"I know, I just really needed to talk to you about Mandy and what I did last night."

So he is seeing a shrink about his cheating to ease his guilty conscience.

I see her front door open and lucky for me they are a fair distance away that they won’t see me, so like a ninja I speed into the house.

I enter a room that looks to be her home office so I can only assume this is where they will talk. I hear their voices not far away so I hide under the desk.

"I can see something is bothering you. Here, take a seat."

I guess today I am on a lucky streak because they both sit on couches opposite each other, which means I am in no danger of getting caught here.

"Tell me what is on your mind."

"I am a terrible husband, that’s what’s on my mind. I went on a date last night and at the end of it I kissed her." His voice is laced with regret and guilt. Good.

"Was this the first time?"

"Yeah, it was."

I was not expecting that. I thought he has been having an ongoing affair this whole time.

"Are you going to see her again?"

"No, I already feel bad enough. I don’t think I could continue doing this. Last night, when I kissed her, it felt like I was cheating on Mandy. It didn’t feel right."

I cannot take any more of this. Consumed with anger, I get up and angrily rush towards him before yelling, "Maybe it feels like you’re cheating because you are, you bastard."

"I just miss my wife so much. I still feel like she’s with me. There are nights I even call out her name hoping she will answer me. I know that’s crazy though. Last night I actually wished her a goodnight and I half expected her to say it back."

Wait, what?

And just like that everything comes back to me. I was walking to my car when I finished work. I had found out I was pregnant and I was so excited to tell Richard. But then a man came up to me in a mask and he stabbed me without hesitation. I bled to death. That was the night I died.

"You are grieving and it is only natural to feel that way. It has only been three months since your wife’s passing."

Three months? Of course, that was when in my eyes we started drifting apart. But he wasn’t pulling away from me like I thought because he didn’t even know I was there.

How can this be happening? I had my whole life planned out. My life with Richard. Everything I wanted us to do together, the family I wanted us to have. Now it’s all gone. I’m never going to be with Richard again, to have him hold me, to even look at me with those loving eyes of his that held so much devotion. How could I ever think he would betray me? He is the only one to have ever truly loved me.

"I am so sorry I doubted you," I tell him, even while knowing he can’t hear me.

"You know the truth now." I hear a voice say behind me.

I turn around and see it is the old man I met on the bench the other day.

"You?" I question.

"Roger is my name," he informs.

"What are you doing here? How can you even see me if I’m..." Suddenly it clicks.

"Are you a ghost too?"

He gives me a sad smile before answering, "For many years now."

"Shouldn't we move on and find peace? Surely we can’t stay ghosts forever, just watching the people we left behind continue with their lives." I don’t know if I can handle Richard moving on and forgetting about me. It would be too painful.

"Some ghosts I have crossed paths with have found peace. I think we just need to let go completely of what is still keeping us here. I haven’t managed to do that yet." He says with a sad smile on his face.

"That’s easy, what is holding me back is Richard. I don’t know how I can let him go. I don’t know how I can leave and never see him like this again. I will never be able to stand in front of him, even if he doesn’t know it. So how did you..." Noticing my discomfort, he finishes my question.

"Die? I had a heart attack while reading a newspaper on that very bench we met. I wasn’t found until it was too late. I had many regrets in my life. So many things I wish I could have done. So many things I wish I could take back. Apologies I should have given and received. Now in death, I sit on that bench and watch as my children and grandchildren make the same mistakes I made. All I hope is that they can be smarter than I was. We all do things we later regret; we make mistakes and tell ourselves we won’t repeat them, but in the end we always do. I guess that’s why I haven’t moved on yet. I am still holding on to regret. I watch as my wife continues to grieve me and I see the toll it is taking on her. She hasn’t moved on so I can’t either."

At that moment I realise what I need to do.

"Thank you, Roger, you have helped me more than you realise. You are my own personal guardian angel."

Roger smiles and says goodbye to me before he leaves.

I stand before Richard as he gets up to leave. I know he cannot hear or feel me, but I tell him this anyway, hoping our love is powerful enough that he will sense what I want.

"It’s okay, my love. You are allowed to move on. I want you to be happy. I just can’t be the cause of your happiness anymore. And as much as this is tearing me apart, please Richard, let me go. This is what I need from you. I will love you forever. Goodbye." A tear rolls down both our eyes and I feel like a weight has been lifted from both of us. We will always love each other but it is going to be okay. Maybe one day we will reunite, but for now this needs to be goodbye.

I go outside and stare at the sky above. I close my eyes and feel myself being lifted up. With every height I take, all the pain and regret wash away and I am left with nothing but love. I am finally at peace.