Moniah's Mind Pt. I

Born in my grandmother’s house, my mom told me although she remembers almost every detail while she was pushing me, her gaze out the window was the most prominent. How her eyes remained fixed at ‘a sunshine’ so bright across the clear sky and her glare fascinated at its ray as it pierces right through the few clouds she could see. She said she felt my heartbeat permeating throughout the entirety of the sky.

I believe she did feel my heartbeat permeating throughout the sky. However, I’ve never seen the sky any clearer or as cloudless as she experienced it that day. Most of the time, it’s cloudy or stormy. Maybe because the day I was born was the clearest and thoughtless my mind has ever been. Unlike tonight’s monstrosity.

“BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!”

“BRUH!” I mumbled grudgingly with one eye open as I turn to shut the alarm, slamming the snooze button instead. Inconveniently, I was still feeling the cramps.

Attempting to return to my comfort, I caught a glimpse of the night sky through the window, and well... there was no night sky. All I could see were dark clouds acting like a veil of darkness against the sky. There was no crack to look through but only the clouds completely shrouding us in darkness, while simultaneously dropping hellish rain and echoes of thunder. Again, a monstrosity.

But, it wasn’t this monstrosity that was preventing me from falling back into my deep sleep, it was the product of my cycle.

My cramps rarely hit me this hard, but having been armed with my anxiety, there was no difference between how I felt right now and the monstrosity outside. Like the sky, I felt shrouded in complete darkness, shaking from hellish pain and cramps like echoes of thunder.

“BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!”

“Thank you,” I sarcastically muttered to the alarm, “thank you for being too d...” I shakingly pause to the sudden and reverberating strike of thunder a second before gulping my words and triggering the sensation of fear. Without delay, I quickly pressed the snooze button, convinced I finally turned it off for good.

“BE..” the alarm going off, but immediately halting.

“Moniah,” a stern-toned call breaching my eardrums, immediately bringing me back to consciousness.

“How many times are you going to press the snooze button?”

“Okay okay, I’m up mom,” I responded groggily while opening my eyes to the sight of her standing directly over my bed, with her hand still on the alarm button.

“Now hurry up and get ready,” she said as she makes her way out of the room, “or you’re walking to work today.”

I sigh as I turn my head toward the window, “of course...” I said, rolling my eyes. I didn’t even have to look to know it had already stopped raining. But then again, it has been like this every night this week. And the same way it stopped raining, I felt calmer, and my cramps settled.

“Today could be a good day,” I monotonously said with a slight smile as I turn from the window. But I felt a little anxious about returning to work while on my period. In fact, I knew the influx of clouds was the product of my anxiety.

“Mom, I’m calling off!” I shouted as I unsteadily make my way down the stairs into the kitchen.

“No, you’re not,” she immediately forbids, “you called off yesterday...”

“But I’m still cramping real bad though!”

“...and the day before that,” she continues, “Moniah, you’re going to work! You’re not missing an entire week.”

“What if I bleed in the restaurant?”

“You’re not going to bleed,” she responded with a giggly headshake.

“What if I cramp up and drop a plate?”

“That won’t happen.”

“It might!” I persist.

“Relax,” she exhaled in a concerned tone, “you’re just a little anxious.”

“A little?” I impudently replied, “anything that can go wrong, will go wrong, mom!” To be honest, Murphy’s law felt completely right to say, even if I was just overthinking.

“Are you ready?” she asked, purposely ignoring what I just said.

“Y... Yes.” I hesitantly answer.

“Now eat up so we can leave,” she exclaimed as she walks toward the kitchen window. “It’s so cloudy out, again.” Uh... no kidding! There are over a thousand thoughts passing through my mind, so of course, there are over a thousand clouds passing through the sky. It’s the third time this week. What else did she expect?

I want to explain to her that the sky is literally empty space. However, it’s usually filled with various passing clouds. Whether it’s white clouds, thick, or dark rain clouds, they all simply pass through the sky. And that’s exactly how my mind reflects it. Every cloud represents a thought. And just as each cloud continues moving, each thought in my mind moves. One thought goes, and another one comes. But most of the time, the previous thought tends to linger. And when you have anxiety like mine, every single thought lingers.

But it wasn’t just my anxiety. When my cycle came at the beginning of this week, it was a raging influx of negativity while a stampede of clouds and shocks of thunder quickly reflected the cramping surge of pain. But I love my mom, so I will not explain that to her. Who in their right mind would want to make life more complicated to a person than it already is?

“Mom,” I call to her as I stand up from the table, “are you sure I can’t call off? I can call sick.”

“Nope!” she said sternly, shutting me down.

“What do you mean, no?”

“But, I am sick though...” I immediately say before she could answer.

“Having to go through a period of pain like this is a sickness, think about it!” I said matter-of-factly. However, it was her intimidating stare that mothers usually give that made me gulp back my words this time, “Uhh, nevermind, don’t think about it.”

“Look at you overthinking things again. Go get in the car.” Yikes... I mean, at least I understand how my mind works.

I motion myself toward the door, opening and then locking it from the inside knob as she follows me out.

So, I’m overthinking things again? I continued thinking as I entered the car. Yes, I knew that. But in my defense, there are too many thoughts or too many clouds in the sky to disassociate with. It’s like this: Imagine your mind exactly like the sky, a space for clouds. And each cloud, a thought in your mind. When you observe the clouds in the sky, you’ll notice how they simply move across it. No cloud ever remains in the same position. They may sometimes move very sloth-slowly, but they are always moving. So, like the clouds, your thoughts move across your mind. One thought goes, and another one comes. And that’s exactly how my mind works. Except, the sky is a literal reflection of my mind, so the more negative the thought, the darker the cloud is, and the more I identify with the thought, the bigger the cloud gets.

I understood by disassociating with a thought, the faster it moved from my mind, but it was a little tricky when all life does is trigger more thoughts. So how can I stop associating with the thoughts of pain and discomfort when they are both products of my menstrual cycle.

She starts the engine, driving me off to work.

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