Method Acting

"911, what is your emergency?"

"Hi, um, not sure if it's an emergency per se, but a guy is wearing a Ghostface costume, and he's standing in my backyard."

"A what, ma'am?!"

"A Ghostface costume. Ya know, from the Scream movies."

"I'm not familiar with those films. Can you describe the man in detail? Is he threatening you? Ma'am, do you feel unsafe right now?"

"Naw, he's just standing in my yard, holding some butterknife. At least, it looks like a butterknife from where I'm standin. It could be a reaaaal big knife. I can't tell if he's looking at me or not, the mask don't reveal anythang about his face."

"I'm sorry, ma'am, I don't think this is an emergency at all. I'm going to hang up now and—"

"Hang on, I've got another call on my mobile. Lemme check, cos he's now waving around a phone?"

"Hello, Madison-Rae. Are you alone in the house? I've been eying you off for hours, you're veeeeeeeeeery pretty."

"Listen you fuckin creep, I'm not all alone! My boyfriend is here with me, and he's six-foot-six and built like a brick shithouse. He'll fuck you up if you try anythang!"

"Really? Corey's home with you, is he? I swear I ran into him earlier, or should I say, the tip of my blade met his insides as it gutted him before he reached your front door. Poor Corey, he seemed like such a nice young man..."

"What?! Corey?!? Y'all be bluffing. He just hasn't gotten back from football practice yet. Don't even think about comin inside my house, I'm on the phone to 911 right now! The cops will be here in 30 seconds."

"HELLO, HELLO, I be needin your help. He's on the other line, and he said he's murdered mah boyfriend. Send as many cop cars as you can!"

"Ma'am, calm down. Has this man attempted to step inside your home? Have you seen your partner recently? Has the man outside threatened you in any way?"

"Well, no, but he said—"

"Ma'am, I'm sure this is just a prank call. I have real lives to save; I'm hanging up now."

"I can't hear any police sirens? No blinding blue and red lights? Looks like it's just you and me, blondie. Tell me, did you lock all your doors?"

"Fuck off, y'all just some wannabe Ghostface. You've seen too many slasher movies; this isn't for real. Imma call Corey right now to prove you're lying."

"Hey, you've called Corey Lockwood. Leave a message (or don't, because if I have my phone turned off, then I don't want to be disturbed!), and I'll try and get back to you!"

"I just called my boyfriend, and he answered! He's on his way here, right-fuckin'-now."

"Are you sure about that? I'm holding his phone right now. Here, I'll wave it around. Can you see from the second-story window? I was going to answer your call on his phone, but I wanted you to hear his voice. One. Last. Time."

"What do you want from me?! What did I ever do to ya? Please, leave me the hell alone!"

"Poor Madison-Rae, I only want to ask you a few questions, that's all. Think of it as a game, and if you win, you get to live."

"Fine, FINE! Ask anything."

"What's your favorite scary movie?"

"Um, I dunno?! Th-th-th-The Conjuring."

"Nice choice, but supernatural films are far removed from reality, aren't they? What about the classics, the old school movies? A killer wearing a mask and stalking his victims. Don't you have any favorites from this genre, Madison-Rae?"

"YES, I do. Um, fuck, Halloween! That's scary, and a guy wearin a mask went and hacked up a lot of people in that movie."

"Ahhh, Halloween. How iconic, though Michael Myers didn't kill many people in the original. Only three in his masked spree, four if you include the mechanic's death off-screen. You need a lesson in trivia, considering your filmic knowledge is subpar."

"Subpar, yeah, whateva. I'm sick of this bullshit, y'all be fuckin with me for no reason. I'm hanging up—"

"HANG UP AND YOU'LL REGRET IT."

"911, what is your emergency?"

"A guy is threatening to kill me, he's somehow got mah boyfriend's phone, he was standing in the backyard, I don't know where he's gone. Send the cops, please!"

"Thank you for this information, ma'am, can you describe the person in question? Sending a vehicle to your residence at 16 Cheshire Lane, Bloomington, Indiana."

"OH FUCK! He's just thrown something through my kitchen window! It's... it's Corey's body!?! HELP ME PLEASE!"

"Ma'am, can you get to a safe place? Can you leave the house?"

"I'm runnin, I'm runnin, I'm outta breath. Almost at the front door. Hang on, he's callin me again!"

"If you try to leave, it'll be the last thing you do. You don't want to end up like Corey, do you? Now, name the mastermind villain in Scream. The original, not the cheap fifth entry reboot."

"Stu Macher! It's Stu Macher, you fucker. And Billy Loomis! I got it right, lemme leave!"

"Incorrect. It's revealed in Scream 3 that Roman Bridger was the mastermind; he guided both Billy and Stu during their rampage. Your luck has run out, as has my patience."

"You tricked me! I only watched the first movie, God damn it!"

"Ma'am, I'm still here. A police vehicle is almost there. Is the man inside the house? Please, talk to me."

"Imma at the front door, about to open now. Thank ya, I can hear the cop car sirens. Please, arrest this guy. He's insane -AND- he killed my boyfriend -AND- he's threatening me on the other line!"

"I told you not to open the front door, Madison-Rae. I don't need a phone now. Stop shaking. All I want to see is red-red-red running all over you."

"AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

"CUT. Let's do this scene over again. Sandra's Southern accent wasn't deep enough, I want more twang! And the stuntman in costume - when she opens the damn door, you need to slash the dummy knife left to right, not right to left. This is the third time I've had to correct you. On an unrelated note, what do I have to do around here to get a double espresso coffee that doesn't taste like Starbucks shit?"

(c) Edward Swafford 2025

***TITLE IMAGE URL.