Me Clashes with Myself and I

Jesse and Gavin had been her best friends. But it was obvious that something had changed.

Shay had looked forward to visiting them but shortly after her arrival, something felt off. They were distant and didn’t embrace her the way she expected after having not seen them in a couple of years. She and Jesse had always had an easy rapport. Gavin had flirted with her shamelessly and while it was also innocent with no hope of ever becoming anything serious, it was fun and lighthearted. All three of them had been excited about her visit but now…they seemed to suddenly change their minds.

She knew what it felt like to be snubbed. In her high school psychology class, the teacher separated the students into groups and conducted an experiment. She placed an index card on each forehead and the other group members were to treat that person according to the instructions on the card. The assignment was to guess what your card said based on how you were being treated. It didn’t take Shay long to figure out that her card directed classmates to “ignore me.”

These guys, her supposed best friends, were mostly ignoring her. And when they weren’t, Gavin was downright hostile at times, scoffing at her jovial remarks about their evident success. They shared a swanky condo in a high-end neighborhood. Large windows gave way to a striking view of mountains from a room sizable enough to contain the baby grand piano which neither man played.

She’d been deposited in their guest room. However, in just the short time she’d been here, she felt too uncomfortable to make herself at home. And come to think of it, neither Jesse nor Gavin had suggested that she do that. What happened between them being thrilled yesterday that she was coming to her actually being here today?

Shay took in a deep breath and sighed. She would try but they had all known each other far too long for this bullshit.

Jesse and Gavin were at their kitchen island speaking in hushed tones. Their conversation paused when they saw her. Gavin averted his eyes.

“Hey,” she said, faking normalcy. “I know I’m only here for a couple of days, but you guys don’t have to babysit me. I know you’re busy.” This was a lie. They weren’t busy. They had told her they would block off this time so the three of them could make the most of her short visit. But she wanted to give them an out while hoping they wouldn’t take it. Without hope, the people perish.

“Yeah,” Jesse said. “Something has come up at the office.” He was lying through his teeth and Shay knew it. Why were they doing this?

“Oh, okay. Well, I can let you go do what you need to do. Can you recommend a place for lunch?” She was famished, having skipped breakfast. Jesse looked at Gavin who shrugged.

“There’s a place near the office. We were going there.” They were going there but weren’t going to invite her?

Shay followed them in her own car since they claimed they had to work at the business they owned and could call their own shots. She thought she’d go sightseeing after the meal. On the drive, she found her eyes welling up. These guys were her besties. They had been in each other’s lives for decades. Sometimes their group chats were all that got her though the day. They’d been their own tribe through relationship drama, career changes, and family trauma. They were tight. So whatever this was, it didn’t make sense and it hurt.

The restaurant was swanky. They were given a table outside and the view was breathtaking. Shay was envious that this was Jesse’s and Gavin’s life, but she was also happy for them. She wanted to share just a little of it but the sudden dark cloud hovering over their relationship wouldn’t allow her to enjoy the atmosphere.

She added sugar to her iced tea. “It’s so beautiful here. You guys are doing so well. I’m proud of you.” Maybe flattery will ease the tension? It was worth a try. She looked at the menu and tried to hide her shock. Even the appetizers were unaffordable on her salary. Speaking of that, she had been hoping to discuss employment opportunities with them. They were the bosses. If there was anything she was suited for, she’d be willing to pack and move. She decided to slip in the subject.

“Wow, y’all are seriously going to have to give me a job so I can eat here on the regular!” She chuckled, sipped her tea, and eyed them surreptitiously. They didn’t notice her notice them glancing at each other. Jesse’s nervous laugh just about sent her over the edge. She abruptly decided to be done with this.

“Oh,” she said, her movements exaggerated. She pulled her phone out of her pocket and looked at it, furrowing her brow. “Sorry, it keeps vibrating. It’s work.”

Shay pressed the phone to her ear and stood. “What’s up, I’m on vacation!” she uttered while walking away to continue her fake phone call in private.

Again, she fought tears. There was no one to call for advice. The people she would ask are the people she needed advice about. But she couldn’t do this. Thankfully, she hadn’t taken her bags in so she could start up her car and ghost the hell out of both of them. But she felt they deserved better. And so did she.

After a respectable amount of time, Shay returned to their table and was surprised to see that they had ordered which easily looked like a couple of hundred bucks worth of food.

“Sorry about that. It was work…” the food looked delicious. What it didn’t look like was sharable. If they hadn’t intended to treat her, she would be unable to eat here.

“Was it important?” Jesse asked after a swallow. Shay hadn’t been offered anything, so she sat in awkwardness. Gavin said nothing, but dined as if she wasn’t there.

“Uh, yeah, I gotta go. An employee is coming in with an attorney and it’s the only time Mr. Randall can meet.” She hurried out of her seat and stumbled, wanting to get away from them as soon as possible. Jesse frowned at Gavin. “Wait, I’ll walk you.”

Though she tried to hide it, Shay was visibly upset. She hoped her behavior would be interpreted as being unhappy about having to leave but she refused to even speak about it.

They arrived at her car and Jesse opened the door for her.

“Shay…” he hesitated as she moved to get into the car.

“Yeah, I’m sorry, I know it’s not what we planned.” She hated herself for still trying to be pleasant. They certainly didn’t deserve it.

“Shay,” he said again, gently grasping her shoulder. She turned to look at him.

“I don’t know what’s going on here but I’m going. I can’t believe either of you are capable of treating me like this.”

“Shay, we’re just…we didn’t expect…it’s your weight. You’ve gained quite a bit.”

Shay felt sucker punched. She stared at Jesse with disbelieving eyes. She was truly speechless. Her mind scrambled for comprehension. She’d gained about 35 pounds and felt bad enough about it but never in a bazillion years would she have expected it to be an issue with her so-called best friends. Was he serious?

“Are you serious?”

“Shay, it’s just shocking, that’s all. Gavin is disappointed.” Jesse shrugged. “He was really digging you. I think he was gonna tell you while you were here.”

Let me get this straight.” Shay wanted to scream and sob at the same time. “You guys are basically treating me like shit, ignoring me, won’t look at me, won’t talk to me, won’t even let me eat because I’m fat now?”

Again, Jesse shrugged.

“Wow, you both can fuck right off.” Shay jumped in the car and slammed the door. She couldn’t turn the ignition fast enough. Unsure of where she was going, she drove to the nearest convenience store and parked to take moment to gather herself. Except that’s not what occurred. She found herself bawling, unable to separate the emotions. Sadness, shame, anger, disappointment, disbelief…Her best friends since forever had shunned her because of extra pounds? Really? It defied explanation. She spent so much energy on self-loathing, she needed her friends to at least love her. As close as (she thought) they were, she’d never discussed her weight gain with the guys. As men, she didn’t think they would understand how it made her feel. They wouldn’t understand how much of her self-image was tied up in her body image. They saw her as smart, funny, and engaging. Their opinion of her contradicted her opinion of herself.

Someone tapped on the window. Shay looked up and saw a stranger’s kind smile. She hit the window’s down button and sniffled.

“Are you okay?” The stranger’s drawl and kind eyes were exactly what she needed in that moment.

“Yes, thanks,” Shay responded and wiped her eyes. “I just needed a good cry.” The stranger nodded.

“I understand, honey. Sometimes you just have to let it out. Go get yourself some chocolate too.” With that, she was gone.

Having managed to calm herself, Shay grabbed her phone. No texts, no group messages. Fine. She tapped on the navigation app and plotted the trip home.