Mark It Up

As a child, she started reading books very young. They were prized possessions, and there were rules attached, like no dog earing, and no lending to anyone untrusted.

She sits in her room, reading The Hate U Give, a very noteable novel, and here she struggles. Between her identities as a student and an aspiring teacher, she itches to highlights words and phrases, to write notes in the margins, to celebrate each and every symbol and metaphorical wonder in this book. To point out the historical references, the spaces for interdisciplinary lessons, the quotes that make her heart yearn for the character.

As a university student, this has already happened. A few of her books are marked up, highlighted, underlined. One sits on the bookshelf half read, with too-dark purple highlight that she can't bring herself to look at (a mistake which is nearly unforgiveable).

And who is to say she will keep these forever? The environmentalist in the back of her head knows that to mark it up means to cheapen it. Who wants to read a novel with someone else's notes in it? Who will want to borrow it?

But as a student of literature and of a teacher who will someday teach The Hate U Give, alongside many other important novels, is it not her duty to do so? To study in the old school fashion of which "marking up" is the only way to climb?

Perhaps it is not aesthetic, but it is a kind of shrine.

Mark it up and express how lovely this book really is. Make the pages your own. Own the book. It's yours.

But I'm not forever. The book is timeless. I never will be. The book will be passed on eventually. Should it die?

Or will my books be her legacy to the children she'll have in the future? When she's no longer here, and they are left without her, will seeing her margin notes be the remanent that they need in order to feel her?

Will it even be that big.

Is this just an overthought? A criticism of the self gaslit into believing that it's for some bigger cause?

But I believe in environmentalism. We need to recycle it. But is that just the excuse?

There are already so many on the shelf. Just go ahead. What can it hurt?

You'll teach it. You'll need tangible notes. You'll need to highlight. You'll need to.

So she stumbles upon her pens, and takes out her most favourite yellow highlight.

Fuck it,

she says,

Mark it up.

A/N:

Alright, that was a bit interesting. I wrote this immediately after finishing reading The Hate U Give, which I rate five stars, it's beautiful and amazing and timeless and powerful and you must read it if you haven't.

The reason why I wrote this is because I have a lot of anxiety, over stupid shit. And I think the way that I am going to try to combat this mind-fucking, thought-blocking, terrifying wall of anxiety is by writing about things that make me so anxious I want to just ignore it and hide.

This is one of those things. I can't decide whether "marking up" a book is something I want to do yet. And the more I think about it, the more impossible it feels. I always end up with a metal slat slamming down on my brain, separating myself from the thought, impossible to get through, but I can't keep running and enabling my mind to disable itself. It's time to face it.

My friend wants to borrow my book. There's my other dilemma, the one that led me to wondering about what comes next. If I mark this up, who will want to read it? But that doesn't matter. It's my book, and if I plan on teaching this book, I need to analyze it thoroughly. I need to be able to do it so I can teach them how to do it.

A bit struggle I have is understanding when I am overthinking something and when I am actually making valid points. But, even if it is valid to not "mark it up," I think I need more of a fuck it attitude. Start doing things just to bite that overthinking in the ass. It's not my problem.

And perhaps it is the pushback force of The Hate U Give that is making me feel this way, the pent-up energy after reading something so full of tension, so impactful, so punch-provoking, but I can't help but say--

Fuck you, mental wall. Hopefully this will lead me into some mental clarity, and shoo away that fog my brain knows all too well, and has gotten much too comfortable in.

Thank you for reading, particularly if y0u got this far. I congratulate you on working through this little mess of mine.

♡ Belle ♡