Mansplaining On A Tight Schedule

It’s time to go. Can you get off your elliptical machine?

I just need 10 minutes more to reach my target heart rate. Can you please not push that–

Don’t give me your infamous glare, just because I cut short your elliptical session. I'm trying to keep this family running.

It was fortunate that my PT had me working on running after all, wasn’t it?

I think you need to lose some belly fat first, if you want to outrun anyone.

Speaking of food, tonight is pizza night, right? It's Wednesday.

I’m sure we can find some type of pizza where we're going, but you had better start getting yourself ready.

Did you know, in Italy there are only 7 types of pizza; the margherita, the marinara, pizza romana, the quattro formaggi, and the capricciosa.

Fascinating! If you’re going to mansplain pizza, at least get your list right. That was only five types.

Let me Google the other two...

What did the pepperoni say to the cheese?

Slice to meet you!

Forgot about pizza. Do you know what’s going to happen if we don’t stick to our schedule? And don’t make a joke about being stuck to a piece of hot cheese.

Women and their schedules. Do you know what happened to Barrack Obama after he missed his bus in Chicago?

No.

He met Michelle, and then became president. They really stuck together.

There is zero chance you are going to become US president. Unless you go viral on TikTok....

So, you’re telling me there's a chance?

Just get ready to leave.

Fine. I’m going to the bathroom. A man like me needs to look good before going out. I may need a bit of time.

You missed my graduation, I’m definitely not letting you be late for your big day.

Habibti, while you are waiting for me, would you like a glass of lemonade?

Lemonade?

On the counter. When life serves you lemons, make lemonade. What Tom Hanks said.

Tom Hank’s toxic positivity is not what this family needs today.

Tony Robbins’ then?

If anyone is taking photos today, should I go for the large and in charge look, or the just got out of bed look?

If you look like you’ve been asleep for the last 13 years, that might be best.

Then I’ll need to spend 13 years in the bathroom.

Do you want me to leave without you?

Honestly, I don’t know.

You don’t know? It’s always about you, what about me?

Sorry. I’ve had a lot of things on my mind lately.

So, my umm assistant, Alan, you know, told me a joke:

A farmer was having trouble with his crops and went to visit his neighbor. “My crops aren’t growing, and I don’t know what to do!”

The neighbor thought for a moment and replied, “Have you tried talking to them?”

The farmer laughed, “Talking to my crops? They’re just plants!”

The neighbor replied, “Exactly! They’re just plants, so they won’t argue back.”

And the punchline is?

I said the punchline. The part about not talking back.

Just get your shoes on.

No shoes, no service.

I’ve got another one.

A man came for a job interview, and the boss asked, “What are your strengths?”

The man replied, “I’m a quick learner and very adaptable!”

“Good! And what are your weaknesses?”

The man thought for a moment and said, “I tend to be too honest.”

The boss smiled and said, “I appreciate your honesty!”

The man replied, “Well, I don’t really care what you think!”

Was that employer you?

Maybe.

What happened to the man after that?

That doesn’t really matter…

I finally get you away from your job, and all you do is to tell me dad jokes.

Ok, ok, how about after my shower, we play a quick game of Monopoly, like old times? I promise not to take all your properties this time.

You always win. The scorpion and the frog.

You have learned your history! And metaphor. Metaphors are what leaders need to master.

In order to talk about things in a way no one understands?

I just remembered a good metaphor for our current situation.

A Lebanese, a Syrian, and an Iraqi are trapped in a castle that is about to be burned to the ground by Crusaders. At the last second, they find a magic lamp. A genie appears and grants 3 wishes, one to each.

The Lebanese says he wants to be returned home to his wife and children, poof! He disappears.

The Syrian says the same thing, and poof! He’s gone.

The genie asks the Iraqi what he wants, he thinks about it deeply, how lonely it is suddenly, thinks long and hard, then says, “I want my two friends back.”

You are killing me with your dad jokes. Last one.

One more?

A Sunni and a Shiite are running from a tiger. The Sunni says to the Shiite, “Why are we running, humans can’t run faster than a tiger?” The Shiite says, “I don’t need to run faster than a tiger, I just need to run faster than a Sunni.”

Shiites. We’ve spent our whole lives running.

Maybe I should scribble something funny in the bathroom before we go.

Like what?

Bashar was here, that sort of thing.

I think they know that already. And now, I’ve got a joke for you. Being an eye doctor, shouldn't you have had clearer vision of where this was all going?

Not funny. Not funny at all.

Why did the eye doctor become a dictator? Because he wanted to make sure everyone saw things his way!

You and your mumbo jumbo. You do understand this isn’t the ideal time to try to be funny.

Who’s trying?

How did the Homsi try to kill a bird? He threw it off a cliff.

You’re stalling.

Fine, everything is so serious today. Well, some people are going to be happy. They call it schadenfreude.

Schaden, what?

The Germans. The pleasure of watching others’ misfortune.

They tell me they are almost here.

Barbarians at the Gate! I’ve always want to say that. That's the name of a New York Times’s best-selling book about the takeover of RJR Nabisco.

What did Saddam Hussein say when he walked into the bar? He ordered everyone shots.

Barshar al-Assad of Syria, get on the helicopter, now.

I don’t trust helicopters. Scientifically, helicopters are inherently unstable, dangerous.

Let’s be scientific, and think of the other possible outcome of not getting on the helicopter?

Perhaps I should receive our new arrivals. Hospitality is a virtue according to the—.

Dad, your scotch whiskey collection is on the helicopter.

I think we should get going.

***

Humor is tragedy, plus time.

-Mark Twain

Disclaimer:

This short fiction satire is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, and incidents are either the products of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

Safe Harbor for Satirizing Public Figures:

In the spirit of satire, parody, and comedic commentary, as exemplified by “Saturday Night Live,” this work falls within the accepted boundaries of humor and critique allowed under the First Amendment of the United States Constitution. Public figures, such as Elon Musk, Sam Altman, and JD Vance, are often the subject of satire and parody, which are protected forms of speech. This work aims to provide humor and social commentary without any intent to harm or defame.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger.

Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

-Mel Brooks