Love is For

Norah gently cracked open the spine of the diary to help it stay in place as she eagerly rushed to read the entry before her:

22.2.26

Monday took a lot longer to come around than I hope it would. The pace of the weekend moved so slowly that I found myself regularly checking the clock just to see that it wasn’t ticking backward. I was filled with an intense mixture of guilt and resentment at having to spend time with Ray and pretend that everything was all happy families.

Since Nancy’s lips had touched my own it was like I’d been awoken to a new reality. One in which I didn’t have to sit at home all day doing menial chores, where I wasn’t expected to have dinner ready every night and politely sit through dull conversation of what had happened at the office that day. I know that I sound bitter and angry. But it’s because I am. Not with Ray, nor with the children but just at the fact that I didn’t even know that a life with someone like Nancy was possible and really it wasn’t, not for me, nor for most people and so to have been made aware of its existence and the happiness that it could bring me, filled me with an emptiness that I was filling with all the wrong emotions and yet I felt powerless to stop them.

I heard myself snapping at Thomas for the most minor of thing.

Whilst I was watching Laura’s children, I nearly bought the oldest one to tears when he accidentally knocked a china robin off a table and it smashed into shards of egg blue all over the floor. I didn’t even care about the bird, it was an ugly thing that had been a gift from Ray’s grandparents when we were married and so I’d felt we needed to display it, but the way I blew up at poor little Harry, you’d think it was my most prized possession.

I cut a much to large a slice of cherry pie to apologise and let him choose what music we listened to as we danced around the kitchen to the tinny sound from the radio, that put him back in high spirits again but I felt awful. That just wasn’t something I did. Making people cry. Let alone children, even when they were as troublesome as Laura’s two.

I sat through Laura’s impassioned gushing of how wonderful her evening had been with her husband’s bosses and how well it had gone. I had to really fight to feign interest and to keep my mind from wandering back to the feel of Nancy’s thigh against my finger or of her warm lips against my own, the weight of her body pinned against me. I fought hard to push that image to the back of my mind for fear it might somehow be revealed on my face.

But here it was . Finally. Monday.. The children had been invited for a playdate with one of the wives of Ray’s work friends, it was clearly meant as an invitation for myself as well but I played dumb, thanking her for looking after the children while I ‘went off and did some of the jobs that I needed to do about the town’. I have to say, I’m quite good at playing the clueless bimbo when I need to, not something I am proud of but if people will make assumptions then why shouldn’t I be able to use them to my own benefit from time to time.

I was careful not to overdress for my supposed jobs about town but I still wanted to make an effort for Nancy. I wanted her to look at me and think that I looked good. Part of me wanted her to know that I had done that specifically for her but another shied away from that, it felt too vulnerable to let her know the effect she was having on me.

I waited where she had suggested we meet on the corner of Height Park. I was early this time, I’d been unable to keep myself busy enough with the butterflies fluttering in my stomach working up a storm. I had eventually given up wandering the streets of the town and headed to the park. My eyes were constantly flitting around, looking for a glimpse of her and as I saw her crossing the road, her hand held up in thanks to the car that had stopped for her to cross, my heart was suddenly still. All the anxiety I’d felt in the run up to this moment had ceased and I felt a strange calm.

She approached me with a wide smile on her face, a wicker basket swinging lightly from the nook of her left elbow. She lent forward to kiss me on the cheek in greeting, her kiss lingering for a moment, her free hand cupped my elbow and she squeezed it gently as she took a step back.

"It’s good to see you again"

The warm sincerity in her voice sent tingles down my spine and I found myself mirroring the smile she graced me with. I took an unconscious step towards her, to be closer to her, to smell the floral scent of her Jasmine perfume.

“I thought we could have a bit of a picnic" lifting her arm to motion towards the basket “and I wanted to take you to my favourite spot in the city”, she smiled almost shyly as she said it.

I looped my arm through her free one.

“That” I lent into her side slightly “Sounds perfect”

I gestured towards the entrance to the park, “Lead the way.”

I had been in Height Park before, I had bought the children here, let Thomas roam over the children’s play park and pushed Elise in the baby swing, listening to her coos of joy as she rose into the air.

But coming with Nancy, gave a new feel to the park, seeing this place, that was clearly more to her than it meant to many of the people who enjoyed it, seeing that through her eyes made my heart feel light.

She had a tale about each section of the park, seemed to know every vendor and they knew her too. She explained how she had spent a lot of time here as a child with her Grandmother and then as a teenager as home had not been a good place for her. I didn’t push her on that but I felt a sadness knowing that life had perhaps not been kind to this warm, love-filled spirit.

As we reached edge of the huge lake, she grabbed my hand and pulled me off the path towards the waterfall that cascaded over the rocks. As we approached, I saw a gap appear in the rocks just beyond the waterfall, revealing a smaller, much less trodden path.

“I found this when I was 17 one time when I was exploring, I think only a handful of people can know about it. It’s sort of my safe little spot”.

I was so focused on the feeling of my hand in hers and how well they seemed to fit together that I wasn’t paying attention to where my feet were taking me until I felt the spray of the water splash my feet and I stopped sharply.

“Don’t worry” Nancy squeezed my hand, “it’s just a small step, you won’t slip I promise”

Just beyond the waterfall, it was like an open cave, the air was cooled by the water but all was dry and the sun shone down onto the flat rock floor warming it. Moss was growing up the walls and the effect of it all was that it looked like a magical secret haven.

Nancy opened up the picnic basket and shook out a tarten red blanket placing it in the spot that was getting the most sunlight.

“That was my reaction when I first found it too. It still is when I haven’t been here for awhile. It’s been my sanctuary for years. You’re the first person I’ve ever told about it”.

She shared casually as if it meant nothing to her but I could see the colour creeping up her neck.

I walked over to join her on the blanket, flattening my skirt as I sat down, the entrance really was completely concealed, this was a perfect secret space in the middle of the cities busiest park. I felt a warmth in my stomach that she had felt comfortable enough to share this with me. A sort of reassurance that I wasn’t alone in the feelings that I was having about this beautiful woman I’d just met, that she might be having them too.

She unpacked the picnic and a small smile tugged at my lips as I looked at how dainty the presentation was of everything, sandwiches with their crusts cut off, strawberries already halved ready for eating and what looked like little homemade blueberry muffins. It looked much better than the haphazard picnics I usually threw together for any family outings.

I reached across to help her unpack the bottle of lemonade and glasses she had packed and I placed them on the floor beside the feast our hands grazed each other and I looked up to find her eyes fixed on me with an intensity that I can only describe as hunger. Anticipation crept up on me as I predicted her next movement and I swallowed hard. My lips parted slightly of their own accord as I followed her gaze to them and I willed her to kiss me, I willed it with all of my might.

I closed my eyes to keep her from seeing the desperation in them, the air shifted around me and I felt those warm lips pressed against my own once again, as if this wasn’t only the second time that we had kissed but the hundredth. Her hands were in my hair, pulling me closer to her, the kiss growing in urgency, I had never been kissed like this before, it was charged with longing and I felt my body respond to it instinctively, my hands explored her body, roaming over her bare arms as her tongue gently prised open my willing lips.

Panting a little, we came up for air and the desire that I saw in her eyes shot through straight to my core. I tentatively moved my hands to her hips, my eyes never leaving hers, I felt the curve of her body as I moved up to her waist, my fingers pressing lightly through the fabric of her clothes.

My hands travelled further up her body, the swell of her breasts filling my hand and I lingered there for a moment, searching Nancy’s eyes which seemed alight with fire. I continued travelling up until my hands cupped her face. I pulled it towards my own and slipped my tongue passed the eagerly awaiting gates of her lips, I arched my body, bringing myself closer to her, her hands rested on my knees and travelled the length of my thigh as she moaned lightly into my mouth.

I had no idea what had taken over me but it was like I was acting on instinct, letting my body guide me in a way it had never known how to before.

I reached for the buttons on her blouse, pulling back briefly, scanning her eyes to see if this was ok, she responded by opening the two buttons herself and placing her hand back on my thighs where they continued to rise higher until her thumbs were nestled into either side of the uppermost part of my thighs.

A loud thud echoed around the space and at lightening speed, we pulled apart, startled, hands quickly returned to our sides scanning for the culprit that made the sound.

Laughter burst forth from Nancy’s lips until she had fallen back onto the blanket she was laughing so hard.

“It was just a squirrel, he must have smelt our treats and scampered over the rocks. Oh my, I’m feeling quite giddy all of a sudden”.

The jolt seemed to return me to my sense and I began to pick at the food on the blanket, moving myself slightly away from Nancy’s open pose.

There was no doubt in my mind at all that this was what I wanted but I wasn’t sure this was how I wanted it. I wanted to be able to savour every moment, not be thrown from passion to fear in a split second.

I picked at a strawberry, unconsciously pulling the seeds and letting them fall on the rocky floor beside me. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before turning away from Nancy and speaking in a voice so low I almost hoped she wouldn’t hear me.

“I would like to see where you live, to see you away from the prying eyes of everyone and everything else”.

Nancy perched up on her elbows, “You want to visit my apartment?” she clarified.

Still looking at the seeds on the floor, I nodded once.

She considered me, her eyes scanning my face, a slight crinkle in her forehead. Although unspoken, I had little doubt that she knew what I was stating by asking to visit her apartment.

Finally she nodded “My room mate has her friend from out of town coming to visit for a couple of days this week. But the next time she is away, would you like to?”

I swallowed the lump in my throat, ignoring all the things that were we weren’t saying. “Yes, I- I would like that.”

We held each others gaze and I was the first to look away, my stomach churning so intensely.

I glanced at my watch and blanched “I need to go. The children will be back soon and I’ve still got to go the grocers” words poured out of my mouth in a rapid fire stream.

Nancy set up and placed her hand calmly on my knee, “It’s ok, we will make sure you are where you need to be in perfectly good time, don’t worry my sweetpea”.

Hearing her call me a pet name, I felt strangely centred and the calmness that radiated from her infected me and within minutes, the panic that had threatened to descend on me had mercifully retracted.

As we reached the entrance to the secret space, Nancy pulled me close to her again and pressed her lips deeply against mine, as we parted a smile spread across my face.

We headed to the West exit of the park and as we said goodbye as casually as we could, the thought of parting made a heavy weight settle on my chest, it must have passed briefly on my face as Nancy grabbed my hand and murmured quietly “Not long my sweetpea. Shall we meet here again in a week?”.

I walked towards the grocers with that one thought spinning around and in my mind and for my own sanity, I had to push it to the back so that I was able to get back to my family and be the mother my children needed me to be.