Love By Chocolate

“Chocolate?” Maybel scrunches up her nose. “Not everyone agrees with chocolate.”

“Well, everyone invited to my wedding will just have to agree with it.”

This is the first and last time I run errands with my mother-in-law. I get it, I’m marrying her son. She wants to feel included and have some sort of say in the wedding of her only child. But if she tells me my dress is too low-cut or that I need to cascade my bouquet one more time, I –

“It’s not about what you want, dear. A wedding is a day of celebration for all involved. You have to think about what would appease the majority.”

More like what would appease you. I take in a long, deep breath like my therapist showed me how to do in times of stress.

“You know what, Maybel? I feel a sudden wave of exhaustion washing over me. We’ll have to save cake tasting for another day.” A day you are unavailable to join.

“Oh, dear… well, alright. But you better rest up now. You have a lot of event planning coming up in these next couple of weeks!”

We exit the bakery, say our goodbyes, then begin to walk in opposite directions. As soon as Maybel is out of earshot, I pull out my phone and dial Julie, my best friend.

“Hey, Julie. Meet me at Le Beau Gâteau, on the corner of Columbus and fifth. And bring your appetite… chocolate cake awaits.”

Julie helped me pick out the perfect chocolate chiffon wedding cake, just like the one we used to sneak out of school for at the nearby dinner. We’re both twenty-eight now and time seems to have flown by since then. She ended up marrying her high school sweetheart right after graduation, which many people assumed was a reckless, spontaneous decision between two teenagers, but it had been in the works for years. Julie and Ralph have been together since they were fifteen years old, and nothing has torn them apart ever since.

As happy as I’ve always been for Julie that she managed to find the one in junior high and has never had to muddle through the murky waters of bad dates, cheating men, and involuntary mistressism (don’t ask), I think it’s because of her relationship success that I’ve always felt just a little bit behind. I never had that big high school romance you see in the movies, my college days involved a string of noncommittal bad boys who would act super into me for about two seconds until they found their next conquest, and my adult dating life? Well, let’s not even go there.

But then I found Tristan. He was unlike any man I had ever met. Exceptionally loyal, financially stable, emotionally secure. Not only did he have the ability to commit, but he was actively seeking to settle down with someone from the moment we met. For the first time in my life, I didn’t have a child on my hands – this was an actual man. Never again did I have to swim in those murky waters.

We had only been dating for a year when he asked me to marry him – which some might say is a little fast, but we’re adults now. And two adults looking to settle down tend to speed up the dating process. We didn’t want to waste each other’s time like we had done so much in our younger days.

And yet now, standing here in the dressing room of the cottage resort where we chose to have the ceremony, I am wondering if I am truly ready for this. Did I get to do everything I thought I would before getting married? Maybe this is what they call cold feet, the sudden feeling of missed opportunities slipping through your hands when you are mere hours away from the altar. Missed opportunities that weren’t even on your radar before today… A totally normal feeling all brides and grooms have when they are about to commit the rest of their lives to another person, I suppose.

Julie enters the room looking elegant as always. She is my maid of honor, of course. We made this promise to each other when we were sixteen years old. She held up her end of the bargain and nearly a decade later, here I am holding up mine.

“Sienna,” Julie gasps, holding her face with both of her hands. “You look absolutely stunning.”

“Thank you,” I smile. “So do you.”

Julie lays her purse down on a chair and walks towards me. “Yeah, except this day isn’t about me. This is your wedding day. The one we’ve been talking about for the past oh, I don’t know, dozen years or so.”

We both burst out laughing. The only person who can make fun of me like this is Julie because she has been by my side through the worst of it.

A few moments pass and the hollow feeling in my stomach returns. Julie’s entrance was only a temporary distraction and not the permanent fix I had hoped it to be. For some reason, I thought seeing her would remind me of how happy married people can be.

“What’s wrong?” Julie asks, picking up on my low energy.

“It’s – it’s nothing. Really. Just cold feet, I guess.” I look her directly in the eye, hoping she will give me the answers I need right now. “You must know what that’s like, right?”

“Cold feet?” Julie looks confused. “Oh, you mean that thing that’s supposed to happen right before you get married? To be honest, I didn’t have that with Ralph. Maybe we were too young and naïve to know what we were getting into, but the nerves didn’t kick in right away.”

“Right away? What does that mean?” Oh Lord, what have I gotten myself into?

“Oh, you know, married life. It hits everyone hard,” Julie shrugs and stares out the window. “A few months go by and everything feels surreal, almost fairytale-like… but then the doubt starts to creep in. Then a few years go by and all those old doubts seem to have subsided. But that’s only because you’ve settled into the monotony of married life. The doubt is still there, you’ve just been suppressing it all this time to make your marriage feel somewhat normal and …” Julie snaps out of her daze and looks back at me. “Oh, God. There I go again, drifting off into the depths of my mind when someone asks me for advice.”

Am I going crazy or did Julie really say all of that?

“Julie… Are you happy with Ralph?”

Julie takes in a sharp breath as if she’s about to answer the question, then swiftly brushes it away with the swat of a hand. “This day isn’t about me, Sienna. Besides, I wouldn’t want to influence such a personal decision of yours with my own marital issues.”

I take her hands into mine. “You’re right, Julie. This day is about me. Which means it’s about what I want. And if I want to hear all about my best friend’s marital problems two hours before I walk down the aisle, then that’s what I want to do.”

That was all it took to open the floodgates. Julie proceeded to tell me how she never felt fulfilled with Ralph after they got married, but assumed this was part of the post-wedding blues nobody talks about. On top of that, she was so used to being complimented on her “relationship success” and sensing jealousy from others, she felt like she didn’t even have the right to be unhappy. I mean, how could she? Ralph was the perfect man in everyone's eyes. Who else could she make a relationship work with if not him?

“Oh, Julie. I’m so sorry. You should’ve told me sooner.”

“I – I didn’t want to upset you. But the more I say that out loud, the more ridiculous it sounds. You’re my best friend, and best friends are supposed to tell each other everything.”

I laugh, “Not everything. I mean, if you’re married, it makes sense to save at least some things for your partner.”

Julie starts laughing, too. “The craziest part was, all this time, I felt guilty about keeping this from you instead of Ralph.”

“You mean Ralph has no idea how you feel?”

Julie sits down on the chair beside me. “No… And honestly, a part of me doesn’t even want to tell him. This is going to sound awful, but lately I’ve been having dreams of leaving him in the middle of the night, or when he’s at work, and starting a new life in a new town.” She lowers her voice to a whisper and puts her head down in shame. “The dreams are so vivid, I actually wake up disappointed it’s not real.”

“Julie, listen to me. If leaving Ralph is what you want to do, I think you should do it. If not giving him an explanation is what you want to do, then that’s fine, too. But under no circumstances are you leaving this city without me,” I say with a hint of a smile.

Julie looks up with tears in her eyes and a smile on her face, the most beautiful contrast a human being could ever wear. “Your wedding cake… It’s the same kind we used to sneak out of school for.”

“I know. It’s my favorite kind.”

Julie slowly nods her head. “It’s my favorite kind, too. Because it always reminds me of my favorite person.”

It is in this very moment that everything seems to change. Julie and I have been friends for what feels like our entire lives. I’ve always loved and valued her more than any of my boyfriends over the years… but isn’t that what true friendship is supposed to feel like? Or is this what people mean when they say when you know, you know? I never had that pivotal moment with Tristan. I kept telling myself it was because we hadn’t known each other long enough to feel “the spark”, but deep down I knew that was a lie.

Now I’m the one shedding tears. “Julie, you will always be my favorite person. You always have been.”

“What about Tristan?”

“What about Ralph?”

We have a stare-off to see who will break first.

After a few moments, Julie lets out a big sigh. “I think it’s time I finally admit things are over with Ralph. He was my high school love, and everyone kept telling me how horrible the dating scene was and how they wished they could find what we have and… I don’t know, I guess all that made me scared of being single.”

Something about Julie’s bold decision-making gives me the guts to speak my truth, too. “And if I’m being completely honest… I don’t want to marry Tristan! I mean, it’s way too soon, right? He doesn’t give me the kind of butterflies you’re supposed to feel when you’ve found “the one”, I absolutely cannot stand his mother, and I feel like I barely even know him compared to you.”

I didn’t mean to add that last part, it just kind of slipped out. But with these words, Julie stands back up and gives me a look filled with hope and despair.

“Sienna, I love you. And I don’t know how I could ever find anyone better… or love anyone more.”

“Maybe you don’t have to.” My words are tumbling out faster than I can even process them. Is this really happening?

Julie’s got a devilish grin on her face, “What say we sneak out of here and hit up our usual spot for dessert?”

“OK.” Now I’m the one feeling reckless on my wedding day. “But this time, let's take the cake with us.”