Lost in the Woods

How did I get here? Where am I even? Trying to get fit and work on my mental and physical health sucks. After my ex and I called it quits, I decided to do something for myself. I have lived next to the greatest hiking trails my entire life and I never once thought to get out and actually see them. I’ve been told my whole life that I need to get out more and go see the world and I did.

After graduation, I took time to myself to go see the world. England, France, Italy, everywhere that they would let me. I danced in the rain, was on my own, and saw the most beautiful places you have ever seen. Despite all that, I never explored my hometown. I always viewed my home as a plague; a place that has held me back and done no good since I was young.

After failed relationships, failed careers, and failed life, I moved back home to gather myself and find a new path in life. Who am I, and who do I want to be? You would think I would’ve thought about that while I was out seeing the world, but I never did. I used traveling as an escape, a time to not think about what I want to do and who I want to become. I was happy being this free spirited nomad enjoying life as it came to me.

Sam and I were high school sweethearts. We met in elementary school, and dated all throughout high school and beyond. He was the best person I knew, and I loved having him by my side through my low points and my highs. Although, if I’m being honest, I didn’t have many high moments, except when I was with him. Dealing with a broken household, fighting parents, school bullies, and my imperfect physique meant I didn’t have a lot of times in my life where things went right.

I was always intelligent. I was at the top of my class, and took the hardest classes offered and passed with flying colors every time. In high school all I wanted to do was get out. Away from the fighting, away from the yelling, away from everyone laughing at me for what I wore or how I looked. I wanted to get out of this town and start over somewhere where nobody knew my name. Here, I could be whoever I wanted, and nobody would know the problems of my past. No, the new me was going to be awesome; the person I always wished I could be.

After graduation, I did just that. I went to school out of state, and I started a new life. Sam was always supportive of this. Throughout my 4 years away, we stayed close, and he visited whenever he could. I was happy, and finally making the friends I should have made in high school. Towards the end of final year, something changed with Sam. He didn’t want to see me, and said that I had changed, and he didn’t know who I was anymore. We stayed together for a few more months, but those last few months were a challenge. We didn’t talk the same, and our usual inside jokes fell flat. Right after graduation, Sam finally broke up with me, saying he needed to find himself away from me.

This news hit me like a freight train. I knew things were different, but I still loved Sam. I fell into a dark spiral and didn’t know how to escape. I got a job in my field working from home, but barely had the energy to get up and work.

After 3 months, I decided I needed to do something about this. It was then I decided to go to Europe. I sold all my furniture, all my unnecessary belongings, and used all my savings and every last dollar I had to go to Europe. For a while, this really helped pull me out of my depression. I had such an amazing time, and I truly felt like I had gotten better and become happier.

As I started to run out of money, I knew I couldn’t stay in Europe forever. Where would I go? I had no home, no job, and no money. I contacted my mom and she welcomed me home with open arms. I hated having to go back home, but after 3 months of being in Europe, I had no other choice. When the plane touched down, I had a familiar sense of dread wash over me. It is the same feeling I had my entire life growing up. In my eyes, this town never did anything good for me. All it gave me were tears and self-esteem issues. Not to mention a failed relationship and my parents' failed marriage.

Shortly after I settled in, I slipped back into my deep pit of depression. Reliving so many traumatic memories every time I left the house meant that I never did. I holed up in my childhood bedroom, which had remained untouched in the years I was gone. I sat on my bed and binged on processed snacks all day, never leaving my room except to go to the bathroom or get more food.

I was in that mental state for so long I lost track of time. Hours turned into days which turned into weeks which turned into months. Until one day when I went to go to the bathroom. After flushing the toilet, I turned to the mirror, something I had not dared to do since I came back. What I saw staring back at me was a woman that lost everything, and someone who thought there was no way back. My hair was a matted mess, my teeth hadn’t been brushed in God knows how many days or weeks. I gained what looked to my eyes to be 10000 pounds, too afraid to step on a scale and see the true extent of the damage.

It was then that I decided to get off my ass and do something with my life again. I had never worked out in a gym before, let alone did any cardio. I figured I would start small and work my way into the gym when I felt better. I googled how to get exercise for beginners, and a common answer I got was going for a walk or taking a hike through the woods or on a trail near where you live. My hometown is not far from a huge forest, with plenty of trails and also woods to explore.

One day, I set out to do just that. I packed some snacks and some water, and got in my car, ready for a fresh start. I swear the universe is against me. The GPS killed my battery on my phone, and the power bank I brought that I thought was fully charged was deader than dead. To make things worse, the sky became overcast and cloudy on the drive over, when the forecast called for clear skies all day.

Trying not to let it get me down, I decided to follow through with my decision and use the maps posted throughout the area to find a nice short trail. I set out into the woods, determined to have a good day. Once in the woods, I had a sense of relief and calm wash over me. The trees were actually beautiful, and the crisp air felt good in my lungs. I thought things were looking up and there was nothing to fear.

Well, that didn’t last long. Soon after I got in, I must have taken a wrong turn. One wrong turn became 2, then 3, then I got so turned away I had no idea how to get myself out and back to my car. Where even was my car parked? How did I get so far off course? To make things worse, I could not find another soul around me to help me find my way home. I was utterly and terribly lost, with no chance of rescue.

I kept wandering trying to find my way back until the sun started to go down. Thankfully I thought to bring a flashlight, for no other reason than because my mom wanted me to bring one. As it became darker, I kept hearing these faint noises, almost as if it was something calling me. It definitely wasn’t a human, but I decided to follow out for no other reason than what else am I going to do?

I followed the noises until I came upon a small clearing. Looking around, I didn’t see any animals on the ground, so I knew it wasn’t a bear that just coerced me into their den to eat me. Scanning the trees, I see 2 faint little dots staring at me from above. It took me a minute to decipher what it was, but I suddenly knew what happened. I couldn’t make out those noises before, but it all made sense now. Looking at me from the trees was an owl. All those indistinct noises I followed must have been its call, almost as if it was leading me to them.

All of a sudden, I heard a voice.

“Ma’am, are you lost?”

I looked to my left, and I saw a man walking towards me, seemingly in some sort of uniform.

“Oh, my goodness, finally a person! I got lost and have been trying to find my way out for hours!” I exclaim at him, so excited to see another person.

“That is no problem, ma’am, I would be happy to help you get on your way. My name is Jason, I am a park ranger that monitors these woods”.

A park ranger. Who would have thought? Apparently, I didn’t do enough research, because I had no idea that a ranger would be over in these woods.

“Hi Jason, thank you so much for finding me! I thought I was going to be stuck in these woods forever!” I said back to him.

He looks at me with a smile on his face. “Well, let’s get you home.” he says. I nod in agreement.

We start walking back the way he came, and I glance back once more, looking for the owl that saved my life. Scanning the trees, I see his eyes again, and I give him a wave as we make our way out of the maze.

“I think I’ll just stick to the treadmill” I think to myself as I get back in my car, finally ready to go home. As I drive home, I think back on my life and this town. I conclude it must not be that bad. After all, it rejuvenated my love of life. I am suddenly eager to go out and live my life again, I can’t decide what to do first.

I still think about that owl, even weeks after my journey in the woods. That owl saved my life; if I had not followed his voice, I would have never been rescued and escaped the woods. This started a passion for owls that I would have never guessed would have happened to me. Every now and then I go back to the woods, just so I can see my new friend. He is always there, ready to greet me as if he knows I’m coming. I will never forget him, and I hope he will never forget me.