I Want to Be Immortal, But Not in Hell!

"Please, stop torturing me!" Putin pleaded to the demons who were propping his eyelids with hot metal rods and cutting off his lips to remove excess Botox.

"We can't, that's our job!" the Demons replied giddily.

"Then just kill me already!" he pleaded again, unable to endure the pain from the burning coals around his immobile body.

"We can't, you are immortal!"

"Why am I in Hell then? I thought as an immortal I'd live forever! Isn't that the whole point of immortality? That I would get to neither Hell nor Heaven, just live on Earth infinitely?"

"Should have read that fine print saying you need to keep your body whole!" one Demon pointed out, dancing his crazy dance in front of Putin's eyes.

"But you had to get your body blown into pieces by a Ukrainian drone, didn't you?" the second Demon chimed in. "Your soul is immortal but your human body was not! We've been through this so many times, what can't you understand here?"

"So how long are you going to torture me?"

"Forever! You are in Hell and you are immortal!"

"But I can't stand this anymore, it's so painful!"

"I'll tell you a secret: It's all in your head," the first Demon winked at him. "That is, it's in your condemned soul as you have no physical body here in Hell. That pain you are feeling, it's not real. All in your head... correction, soul."

"It's very real to me!" Putin cried out. "I can't stand it!"

"Well, we can't help you with that," both Demons said in unison.

"Maybe try meditation?" the second one suggested.

"Are you fucking kidding me? Meditation?!? You just said it yourself, I have no physical body, how would meditation help?"

"Hahaha, he's finally getting it!" the Demons said to each other.

"This cannot really go on forever!" Putin said, incredulously.

"Sure can. You are immortal, we are here to administer your punishment. You think this is fun for us, to deal with your never-ending melting Botox? We hate this assignment. But we are immortal too and have nowhere to rush. Time is irrelevant here anyway. So yeah, it can go on forever."

"Like it or not, endure it quietly, my pretty!" the second Demon said in Russian, exactly the way Putin said it in that infamous February 2022 press-conference with Macron, days before the Ukrainian invasion. A jolt of painful memory went through his entire non-existing body like a lightening bolt.

"Maybe we can strike another deal?" Putin asked hopefully, his eyes tearing up with pain.

"You have nothing to offer in any deal!" one Demon said.

"How about a soul?"

The two perked up, listening. "Whose soul? Yours is already here."

"How about my daughter's?"

"Which one?"

"Masha, the one who helped me get immortality."

"Ha! An interesting idea, but she is an adult woman with free will. She'll have to give up her soul for you voluntarily. Do you think she would do it?"

Putin thought and said, "I'm not sure. She is quite selfish, that one. How about a soul of my future child?"

"Is any one of your mistresses currently pregnant?"

"Not that I know of, but if you let me go back to earth for some time, I will make sure that they are."

"What do you think we are, stupid? Once you get back to earth in some poor sucker's body, you will lock yourself in that freaking bunker of yours and will stay there, immortal forever. Look at this Count Vlacula!"

"You can do another fine print clause to make sure that doesn't happen. Do you really think I can outsmart you, such fine and brilliant Demons?"

"Aww, look at him, he thinks he can get us to comply with flattery," one Demon said, adding fire to Putin's hot coal pit.

"Aaaaah, stop!" Putin yelled in pain again. "I wanna talk to your manager!"

"He doesn't come down here often, but we will make sure to file your complaint!" the first Demon said.

"What is your complaint, exactly?" the second Demon asked.

"I am immortal but I am in Hell. There must have been some mistake. I want to be immortal back on Earth," Putin said desperately.

"Sounds like Catch-22!" both Demons shouted, bursting out with laughter as they returned to their gruesome job of torturing Putin.

***

This has been written for Liam Storm's unofficial challenge:

For full context on why Putin is immortal and in Hell, please click here to see my open unofficial challenge.