Looking back on a hazy day

Looking back on a hazy day

It was Monday, wait, no, it was Tuesday. But there was a Monday feel about it, getting back to the routine, filling the fridge again and so on. As I walked into the coffee shop all the positive vibe and enthusiasm I had felt in my body seemed to leave me all at once, as I saw his face. In that instant I knew it was over.

The usual latte which I drink is sitting on the table. Gripping the new bag which I had treated myself to, I nod and sit opposite the man in my life.

“So here’s the thing Olive….” He looks at the elderly lady who has just walked in - searching as if she could reveal something of worth to the current situation. Tempted to cut in his explanation but I don’t. I sit blatantly and watch him try to find the words.

“What we have had together Olive, is so unique and special, but, here’s the thing…. She has given me an ultimatum, so basically, to remain in Tom’s life as a hands on dad, I finish it - us I mean” He looks at his americano as if he has never seen it before and shakes his head.

“Olive, I do have strong feelings for you but I’m also a family man and I made no promises”

“No, you didn’t, but you gave hope, actual hope and that is all a lie apparently, you had pretty much designed our future home, planned holiday trips and flirted with the idea of a family with me” With stinging eyes I get up to leave, feel dizzy, so I walk slow. I can hear him urging me to stay but ignoring it feels about right considering.

I make a call to work and ask for the day off due to illness, then I raid the chocolate area of the supermarket and add some fizzy juice to the basket, something which I never drink. Home within fifteen minutes, I run a bath and pour in the epsom salts for a soak and to presumably cry, now waiting for the tears, the nostalgia and the shame and anger.

Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Am I stronger than I thought? Have I become so damn resilient without realising? What if I look at it differently, maybe he is not worthy of my tears….

I picture the day we met at the Botanical gardens. I had Stitch the french bulldog cross and as I walked past him, I noticed him with a sketch book and camera equipment. He hesitated then asked

“Can I approach your dog please?”

“Sure, he is neither friendly or unfriendly, he does his own thing” I smile.

“Wouldn't we all love to do our own thing? He’s a beauty all right, hey would you be up for a coffee or something, it’s my break, hope that’s not too forward”

Feeling warm inside and unable to take my eyes off his which are clear blue and intense. We discuss different breeders, dogs we had during childhood and names. Stitch becomes more friendly and he reacts with a softness, questions of the dog are no pretext to wanting something else, he is clearly a dog lover.

“My name is Ben, by the way, I am an architect doing a one day job here” His glance indicates that this is a good time for introductions.

“I’m Olive” Keeping it short and simple, I don’t divulge my work.

“Well, Olive, can I give you my card, I would love to meet you again but only if you bring Stitch” He laughs. I accept and call him a couple of weeks later and he seems genuinely surprised, so we meet at a bar in the evening. Less inhibited, we have a few drinks, talk, and end up in my place for coffee.

“Olive, what a great evening, confession time, maybe you noticed, I’m married” He holds up his left hand, as bold as brass. I pretend not to have an opinion but I do. I wanted this man in my life despite his personal situation. There was no scope to consider whether it was selfish or unrealistic. We planned lunches, one evening a week together and had private emails.

I called it a relationship for sure and I know we were in love but sitting here in the tub - a sense of nothingness. I felt used and yet I went head first into this relationship, knowing full well the risks. I invested emotionally and for what? To be the second choice ultimately.

Sara, his wife, had she noticed in the early days? Was his behaviour different? Still not a tear. I had a whole future in front of me and could feel doors opening already. The first being to stop looking at my messages but playing with Stitch instead. Right on cue Stitch enters the bathroom making the snuffling noise which I love about him.

“Just you and me kid”. One reluctant tear falls down my cheek.