Linus In Washerland

Everybody knows there's a void, a mysterious land, that opens it's cavernous maw when no one is looking. It devours various odd belongings without a trace. This monster is a vacuum dimension that somehow pinpoints the crucially important items; the pacifiers, the wedding rings, the keys. It picks them off systematically-especially if you need it, especially if it's one of a pair. Many an odd sock has tumbled in, never to be seen again. I am one such sock. I'll never forget the pull of the void, the look on Rita's face before we were separated, and I'll never stop wondering how I ended up where I did.

The name is Linus Left Sock. Or it was.

Mrs. Liddle had just purchased a pack of us for her son Tommy. It was a sunny day, the kind where you can see little flakes of dust dancing in beams streaming from windows. Rita and I were still neatly mated by one of those plastic tie things that always rips a hole in a sock when removed inappropriately. Oh, how I miss the security of that little tie. Oh, how I miss Rita.

Mrs. Liddle wandered into the laundry room, placed the basket on the counter and ripped open our carboard enclosure-like it meant nothing. And then she did the unthinkable. She placed our plastic binds between her teeth and tore them open, leaving a little snag in the middle of my cuff, separating me from Rita forever.

Didn't she know? It's impossible to remain paired once the tie is broken. Once free from our packaging, Mrs. Liddle opened the washing machine and tossed us carelessly inside. I reached for Rita but our fingers slipped. I can still hear her cries.

The drum rapidly filled with water and soap. Before I knew it we were tumbling around, engulfed in a bubbly typhon. I tried to reach her. I did! But there were too many hurdles — and then there was him, that devilish cussywop.

My first mistake was to look at him at all, but that lingering moment is the one that ruined my life forever. Just before I turned away, two rabbit ears sprung up from the fuzzy bunch. Then a hysterical grin spread across his face followed by eight whiskers that looked like they'd been caught in an outlet. I was about to move on. I had to sift through this mess to be reunited with Rita, but the frazzled dust ball shouted at me, "HEY!"

"I'm sorry, what?" I had to yell in turn because of the rushing of water and the thrashing of fabric.

The wild dust bunny responded with a peel of laughter and hollered, "want to take the red pill?"

I didn't know what he meant, but I knew I had to get away from this lunatic. With one hand I grabbed onto a shirt and was attempting to step on a pair of jeans when all of a sudden the dusty punk grabbed my arm. I glanced down at his hand for only a moment before the back of the washer became a whirling void of darkness.

The rabbit raggedly burst into an inappropriate peal of laughter. The epicenter of the singularity became more and more dense until finally all around it began to spaghettify, creating whirling colors. Then, a beam of light burst from the center of the black hole, blinding me but not the dust bunny. "It's a worm hole," the rabbit bellowed.

My breathing was rapid. I knew this was it. I glanced around for Rita one last time, but there was no hope. Looking back to my captor, I could see that he had clearly gone mad. I tried to wrench myself from his grasp but he tightened his grip. Just then gravity pulled us from the rest of the load. Five minutes ago I was tethered to my sweetheart, now I was tethered to a madman and hurtling through a worm hole. Vivid swirls of purple, teal and yellow folded in on our air born bodies. We were swallowed whole.

I opened my eyes on a beach. Alone. The waters lapped the sand rhythmically as I stood up and brushed myself off. I was sopping. There's nothing worse than a wet sock. Maybe an unmated wet sock...Where was that rabbit, the saboteur of my life?

Down the beach I could see a group of what looked to be bobby pins running around a campfire in a circle. Behind me there was a wild and twisted wood. In front of me there was an ocean. I weighed my options. I could walk down the beach and ask for help from the natives, even though they seemed a little insane. I could try to swim back without knowing the distance or if I could make it. Or, I could take my chances in the forest. My options were bleak.

I decided to head toward the bobby pins and was about to trudge the sand when I heard a rustling by the tree line. One quick glance changed my course of action. There at the edge of the wood was the dust bunny. Rage rushed through my fibers and I pivoted on the spot, headed for the wood, determined to get answers.

The crazed ball of dust looked at me wildly, cackled, and bounded off into the trees, but I ran after him.

The woods were formidable. Giant roots ducked down under the ground and popped back up in arcs to trip any passerby. The gnarled branches stretched out like hands to grasp unsuspecting visitors, and the deeper I descended into the woods, the more the canopy snuffed out the light. I was squinting now and moving slowly with no sign of the bunny. Unfortunately balls of dust don't leave prints.

I stopped to catch my breath and rest on a decomposing log. Squeezing my eyes tight, I envisioned Rita's face. Man, I missed her. Slowly the glow of her beauty was faded by a bubbling terror. Not only was I lost, but lost in a deep and threatening forest, with no one to help me. I swallowed hard at the reality that I would never see that beaming face again. My heart shattered. My face in my hands, I allowed the wave of sorrow to wash over me. My whole body trembled as I sobbed alone on a log in a forgotten wood.

From a crack in my hands I could see something on the ground. The mulch was sort of washed in a neon green light. I wiped my nose and looked up. The source of the light was illuminating a path. I rose to my feet, straightened myself out and followed the pale green light.

I hurried down the path, around a bend, and up a hill where I found the most peculiar thing. It was a glow-in-the-dark pacifier perched in a tree. Not one of those circular ones, but the kind that resembles a grin. The center of the pacifier was an image of a cat.

As I gazed at this spectacle, the pacifier began to speak.

"Twas' brillig... just kidding," the cat laughed. "Are you lost? What am I saying, of course you're lost!" This too was hysterical to the pacifier cat.

"Yes, I am. Where am I?"

"You're in the world of misplaced things, some call it 'washerland.' "

"But it's not my fault! There was this dust bunny... there's been a mistake!"

"No," that pacifier grinned, "no mistake. You're a sock. There's special rules for socks. Everybody knows socks just disappear, and anything that goes missing is misplaced. In a way, you could think of it like fulfilling your destiny. Aha, aha-ha, ah-ha!" The pacifier was spinning with laughter and nearly falling out of the branches.

I didn't find it so funny. I was wet, alone, lost, and had no hope of finding Rita again. Tears began trickling from my eyes.

"Oh, are you crying?"

"Yes," I sniffled.

"Well, there, there, poor sock. I can cheer you up. Well, that or...pacify you." At this the pacifier cat held it's breath in an attempt to suppress peals of laughter. It's face turned beet red, but the bubble it held in it's mouth couldn't withstand the force. Like an untied balloon let go, the cat's breath expelled from it's gaping face in a mighty woosh. Then he fell from the tree branch and rolled along the dirt in stitches. I rolled my eyes.

"I demand answers!"

"You have questions?"

"Yes!"

"Oh, you know who likes questions.... the Tupperware lid!"

"What!?" I asked indignantly.

"Just be careful...he's a little... CRACKED!" The cat burst in laughter again, rolled for a minute or two and then looked up at me with big innocent eyes. It took a deep breath to calm itself.

"Just follow the path."

"What path?"

Mystically, the ground lit up in a neon pink glow, revealing a path that lay there all along. The cat broke into silly snickers and began to turn around and around in the dirt. I walked around the fool and began following the path. I guess I had to talk to the Tupperware lid.

The neon light faded at the end of the wood where I could see a clearing covered in what I first thought were giant wildflowers, but upon closer inspection, realized they were giant baby bows. You know, the ones too big for any one baby's head. There were miles of them, in every imaginable color, a pantone version of hair accessories. I was mesmerized momentarily until I heard a strange sound. Singing.

"A very regular leap day to you, to you."

What? I peeked around a cumbersome tulle bow and spied a massive red Tuppeware lid with a giant crack running from the top right down to nearly his middle, sitting on an old dishrag with a tarnished, bent fork. They were surrounded by discarded goldfish, crushed cheerios and cold French fries. And for some reason they were singing happily about...Leap Day. Granted, it was peculiar, but what else was I going to do? I had to talk to them.

He spotted me as soon as I stepped in front of the hair accoutrement.

"Well, Hi! Looks like we have a guest. What is your name?"

I approached apprehensively, "Uh, my name is Linus. I'm lost and I'd like to know how to get out of here."

"Out of here?" The Tupperware lid gave the bent fork a side glance and they both chuckled.

"First you have to answer a few questions. I do so love questions!" The Lid chuckled heartly and clapped. "Then you can have your answers."

I didn't like how things were looking, but I decided to humor him. "Alright, shoot."

The Tupperware Lid rubbed his grubby hands together and thought. Lighting struck his brain and he loudly asked "what word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?" A maniacal grin stretched across his pasta stained face. The bent fork leaned in to hear my response.

I dug the end of my toe into the dirt and repeated the question in my head. Clearly adding letters can't wake a word actually shorter, so there must be a play on words here. It was only a moment until I had it.

"The word short!"

"Ah, yes, you're smarter than you look."

"What?"

"Next question," the lid said.

"No, no, I answered a question, now you have to answer mine. A question for an answer, seems fair right?"

He was hesitant but he rolled his eyes and complied.

"Fine."

"Alright, good. So, I already know this is the land of misplaced things, and I was misplaced with a dust bunny. My question is, who is he?"

"Ah you mean the dust rabbit, he's the page of the Queen. Next question. I follow you and copy your every move, but you can't ever touch me. What am I?"

I was beginning to feel like maybe this lid had done this kind of thing before. I stroked my chin and considered. Just then a slight breeze came through and moved one of the giant bows. Below it its shadow moved.

"Aha! A shadow!"

The Lid was not so amused this time and I swear I saw the fork arm itself with a pebble.

"Now my answer. How do I get out of here?"

"One can only escape by insulting the Queen. Next question. What has hands but cannot clap?"

I gazed off in the distance to ponder, when all of a sudden, out of the baby bows I saw him, the dust bunny and he was holding something. I squeezed my eyes to make it out. It was an old fob watch. The answer struck me.

"A clock!"

The Tupperware lid reached behind his back for something but I had to get that last answer. " What happens if you insult the Queen?"

The Lid stood to his feet and from behind his back revealed a bent lead pipe, the kind from that game Clue. He started tapping it in the palm of his hand menacingly and slowly began to advance.

"You lose your head!"

I whirled around and ran as fast as I could for the dust bunny who was dancing in small circles and giggling. I was about three yards away from him when he bolted into the woods. I ran as hard as I could and still had visual. We ran down the path, over a hill and then the little bugger ducked inside a tree. Gasping for breath I lied down on the ground and peered into the hole he disappeared in. But, I couldn't see him. The only option was to follow. So I army crawled inside the knotted hole in the oak tree.

As soon as I made it inside I began falling. The chamber was long and lined with several oddities: pony tail holders, unpaired earrings, keys, buttons, anything you'd find in a junk drawer or pull out of pockets before washing. Soon though the surroundings represented more of a grand hall; ornate moldings, brilliant works of art, and a cold marble floor, which I landed on rather hard.

Dusting myself off and standing up, I found myself completely surrounded by red checker pieces.

"Oh excuse me, I'm looking for a dust bunny."

A trumpet sounded and the checkers made way for someone to approach me. It was a set of two checkers, one stacked on top of the other. Someone shouted "all hail the King!" To which all the other checker pieces bowed.

His highness took my hand and said "You shall come play croquet with the Queen."

I followed. After all, I had to insult the Queen to get home.

We entered a garden of red roses. In the middle of the lawn was a red Sorry piece surrounded by red checkers. Clearly this monarch favored red. Everyone was swinging bobby pins and hitting cell batteries. Seemed easy enough.

A red checker handed me a bobby pin and a cell battery, which obviously had been leaking battery acid. I didn't even have to ask where to aim. I was ready to leave this forsaken place. So I locked my eyes on the queens bulbous red head. I swung the bobby pin back, hit that cell battery hard, and sent it sailing through the air. It was airborne when a familiar neon grin appeared above it, the pacifier cat. All of a sudden the cell battery was alive with electricity. The cat was grinning.

"No! Don't!" But before the words left my lips the electrified, battery acid covered, cell battery beamed the Queen in the head. She then let out a terrible scream. The area around where the cell battery had made contact melted a little. The Queen turned towards me and shouted "off with his head!"

"Well, that worked," I said aloud to myself. Only now I needed to worry about actually losing my head. I turned to run but right where I stood, out of the ground sprung up a fully formed hedge. I turned to the right. Hedge. I turned to the left. Hedge. I was trapped in a maze of hedges, and I could still hear the murderous cries of the Queen. The maze was complicated. I ran into dead end after dead end. But then finally, I spotted a ray of hope at the end of a path.

There was something glinting in the light. I ran towards it. The Queen's voice grew louder. Looking back, I found a line of red checkers were hot on my heels. I focused back on the item, which I could now see was a diamond ring. Curiously, the branches of the hedges began to bend toward it, as if the ring had an immense gravitational pull. Hope filled my little heart. I ran harder than I ever have. Three more yards. Two more yards. One more yard, and then I stretched out my fingers and touched the ring. I was pulled in immediately, Washerland spaghettified and then spat me out.

I awoke on a pero floor surrounded by dust. Now terrified at the sight of dust, I stared hard at the woofinpoofs. But no, nothing. They were just regular dust balls. I sighed with relief.

Where did I end up anyway? I looked up. Huh, grey fibers. I looked to the right. Wooden legs. I was under the couch! Then I saw the familiar slippers of Mrs. Liddle shuffling toward me. I laid back down on the floor just in time to see her face peek under the sofa.

"There you are!"

And there you have it. That's how I survived Washerland. That's how I became Linus Lost Sock, and how I came to be pinned up here on this "single, looking for a mate" sign in the laundry room. How about you?