Lifting the Haze

“I can’t wait for tonight!” I murmured to myself while flashing a cheeky grin at the screen. I glanced at my phone. It was only 9 am! Maybe a little after. I knew it was early; I would have a long day. I knew I had to work until 8 pm. After 8 though… The world would be my oyster. Until then, I would fantasize about my chill night to happen after work. I craved my solitude.

Having a lot of down time at work, had me in my head a lot. Plenty of time to ruminate over particular moments in the past… Plenty of time to plan for the future… Time to write, time to draw, time to finally get to work to be done! I close my eyes as I sit in my desk chair at the table. I am overwhelmed with all that I need to do in order to get ready to do nothing. The white noise deafening between my ears. My heartbeat quickened at this moment. My stress is palpable and I long for relief. Looking at my phone again, I see that 2 hours have gone by. It will be a long evening, that’s for sure. I dive back into my thoughts that are consuming me now. Giving no rest. There are no customers at the moment, which means there are no distractions from these ponderings.

My alter ego is a go-getter. A girl boss. Always making sure that everything is accomplished before toking. Make sure you get up early and do your workout! Make sure you do the laundry and the dishes! Don’t forget to do all the chores at home, before you lose your motivation. Before you get totally gone-zo. Make sure you have completed all of your chores to make your time just a bit sweeter while getting stoned.

“Where are the customers today?” I remarked. Not a soul has walked through the door. Alone, for most of the day I continue to ruminate and obsess over just what will happen tonight… At least I can control the outcome. I know what the effect will be later on.

The thing I got most excited about was the idea of doing nothing at all after work. That was a stark contrast to my younger years… Ever since getting sober from alcohol, I decided to settle on my most coveted substance. Good ol’ Mary Jane. I’m a feign for this feeling of sedation. This mild euphoria envelops me like a warm hug. For over twenty years, I have had this relationship with my plant of choice. Tonight, I will not have any distractions. No pesky to-do lists. Just me and my most dear friend… Marijuana.

Being able to ‘bed rot’ sounded appealing. Laying on my king-sized memory foam mattress with an adjustable frame and the mattress propped up sounded better and better by the moment. Much better than the wild days of drinking and the like. At least I wouldn’t black out. The worst decision I would make in this case is breaking my strict diet. I could eat all of my snacks in peace before bed. I could scroll on my phone looking at social media until my fingers cramped.

Work finally came to a close. I clocked out, placing my tablet in the closet of the office. I drove quickly back home and got comfortable. After taking a hot shower and moisturizing my body, I brushed my teeth and decided that I was done for the day. I went to get the most important thing I knew of. I took one toke from my pen. I just wanted that feeling of relief. That moment of pure bliss where I don’t have a care in the world.

“Who cares that I’m doing this alone; it's better than drinking,” I muttered. I take another long puff and then another. Breathless, I begin coughing. It would be my little secret. Knowing that I’m in recovery wouldn’t stop me from getting high, just from getting drunk. That meeting I went to once a week would not take away my obsession. One thing at a time. I just needed to stay away from alcohol. I just am not ready to quit.

I continue vaping till contentment washed over me. Although, it didn’t feel sincere. I don’t believe I’ve had an honest moment in quite a while. Why can’t I feel content without this plant? A feeling of resentment washed over me. Oh well. Let me just bask in the feeling of nothingness for a moment. A moment where time stands still.

Every day when I’m completely sober feels as though a prose story is in its midst. When I smoke, poetry is in motion. I feel different now after smoking. Every moment is heightened and relaxed simultaneously. I just wished this feeling was achievable while sober.

I opened my celadon green eyes, as wide as I could in the vanity mirror. Realizing the futility of my arduous effort, it was to no avail. They barely budged! They formed slits letting no light in, like shutters being pulled closed. My eyes red from irritation and glazed over with nothingness. I barely could see amongst the hazy glow cast off the television playing. My eyes were as dull and dead as a snapper on ice. I then remembered the eye drops once more and am met with obstinacy!

I sat on my vanity stool, one moment dragging on and on… I imagined prying these clamshell eyelids open like an otter on the shore. I pulled off the cap from my eye drop bottle from my purse. I leaned back, opening my eyelids like my life depends on it. Finally, the drops rained down on my parched eyes offering temporary relief. My eyes drank up all of the liquid in an instant. “Now, at least my eyes almost believe I am well.” I chuckled to myself. My eyes feel like I am swimming in a chlorinated pool, itchy and dry even still. They are dehydrated and irritated although they are now white as fine China.

My heartbeat usually is slower when I’m stoned, but this time I could feel it hammering in my chest. I look at the time. It’s midnight now. A sobering thought entered my mind after many hours of watching the tv and trying to keep my eyes open… This is my life as a recovering alcoholic. I want more than this. I want more than temporary relief. I want full sobriety.

Deciding that this will be the last time I smoke weed, I smoke even more. Now, I’m paranoid and believe that everything is out to get me. It’s 2 am now. But honestly, I couldn’t tell if it was night or day because of my curtains being closed.

I didn’t think today would be my last day of smoking weed, but it is. There is a sense of finality to it. I’ve explored this feeling for long enough, night after sleepless night. The sun rising is faintly seen through the edges of the black out curtains. Today is a new day, I will leave the pot for those without addictions. The sickness will leave me as dawn breaks. The darkness will ooze out the window as light replaces it. I will become whole for the first time.