Letter #1

I wish I could say that I knew for sure you would be able to read this. The truth is, I have no idea. I have no idea what you’re doing or if you even think about me at all. But let me just say, I think about you. I think about you right when I wake up. I think about you before I go to bed.

You and I had so many good times. I think about the time we went to the park, the Zoo, the time we saw that movie that you went on and on to your friends about. I didn’t have the heart to tell you that I hated it. I remember how your eyes lit up when you spoke about your favorite scene. You never knew that I hated it. We have so many amazing memories and all day long they float around in my head.

I think my favorite day was the time we went to the carnival. I woke up before you and watched you sleep peacefully. You looked so beautiful with your eyes closed, your long blonde hair strewn around your face, your breath steady and calm. You were so lost in your dreams that it was as if you never even knew I was next to you.

You never ate breakfast, so I snuck out quietly and went down to that little diner on the corner. That girl you know was there but I don’t think she recognized me so I kept my distance.

I waited for you to get ready. Oh, how I waited and waited. You always took so long to get ready, applying your makeup, doing your hair, even though you already looked perfect without it. You would put on that light brown eyeshadow that made your green eyes pop. And you would curl your hair into perfect little ringlets. You would always complain when it fell in your face, but you always refused to put it up.

You drove there without me. There wasn’t enough space in your car between the two of us and all of your friends, so I trailed behind you in my own car. I was lonely and bored, imagining you in the car with your friends, and jealousy filled my veins knowing that he was in there with you. But I pushed my feelings aside to make you happy. To be the good guy. I was always the good guy. Why couldn’t you see me that way?

I remember how excited you were when we got there, running ahead with your friends, not even acknowledging me at all. But I didn’t mind. You were having fun with your friends and I was still near you. How could anyone complain, getting to be close to you? I trailed behind you for most of the day, not wanting to interrupt your fun with your friends. I kept a close watch on him though. I had to make sure he was well aware that you were mine.

You told them all of those things. You told them lies about me. You said that you were scared of me. How could you do that? I loved you and you pushed me aside and treated me like I hadn’t been loving you for all of those years. You acted as if I hadn’t dedicated every second of my life to you. As if I didn’t rearrange my whole life to make you happy. When you wanted to go to the movies, we went to the movies. When you wanted to go to bed early, we went to bed early. I never even got to speak to you because you always had your stupid friends around. It could never just be you and me.

I have had so much time to think in here. There’s nothing else to do but think and think and think until the four dull walls close in and the ceiling collapses and finally suffocates every single last thought of you. I’ll never stop looking for you. You got them to lock me up in here, thinking it would make me go away. If only you knew how my obsession for you has been fueled in here. If only you knew how all I do all day long is think about you. I think about you and your hair and your eyes and that diner and your friends and him and you and you and you and you.