Lessons Never Learned

There she was. Laid and dressed so elegantly in her open casket, decorated with around fifty or so sunflowers. I stood directly in front her body looking down upon her with my dark brown eyes that were swelling with tears. I realized in that moment that I would never again look upon her beautiful bright green eyes, beautiful pale skin with slightly rosy cheeks. And she would never again smile at me when I say something stupid to get her attention. She was my wife, my world, my peace; and I screwed it all up.

I walked over to my left to take my place at the podium placed parallel with her head and stared at the microphone propped up before my face. I glanced down at my clothes, reminiscing our wedding day. The tuxedo I was wearing for her service was the same that I wore when I promised my vows to her. Vows that I inevitably broke. Knowing what I was going to say at that moment, I held my head up and addressed the sorrowful people that had gathered to say their goodbyes. “I loved my wife. I loved her with a heart I pretended I didn’t have to play with her for years to see how devoted she could be to me. But I guess I never really appreciated her life next to mine, even after I married her. She was most definitely a force to be reckoned with and I took every moment with her for granted. The sad part is that I knew how much she loved me and how devoted she was. Even through our bad times she stuck by my side, did everything she could to build me up and let me know life keeps going. That we would get through anything together. But I was selfish. I had insecurities from my past that haunted me horrifically, and somehow, she still saw me beneath it all. What I did to her I can never undo and now that she is gone, I inevitably lost my greatest love.”

I paused my eulogy as my mind disappeared back to that moment that I believe deep down caused her so much pain that it made her sick. It was six months ago an old girlfriend found me on social media and reached out to me. I wasn’t expecting it and I didn’t honestly know what to do, so I just responded to her. Without thinking about what I was doing, one thing led to another, and my old flame was sending me dirty pictures of herself dressed in lingerie on request, we had sexual conversations that thoroughly turned me on. She took me back to a place in time that parts of me regretted because of how I had treated this girl in the past. What struck me hard was her getting drunk one night and admitting she was still deeply in love with me. Even though she was married and had children, she had never forgotten me and told me she wished we could go back and try again. Everything she said to me made me want her all over again. I don’t know what I was thinking talking to this girl. I cared for her, but not enough to not hurt her. I guess it made me feel so good knowing this girl still wanted me even after how horribly I treated her. She was one of my insecurities, realizing down the road how much this girl cared for me, and I was nothing but a jerk. I should’ve known then. I never talked about any of this to my wife. I even closed her off and began lashing out at her for no reason. I stopped communicating the way I used to, and I literally left her on her own the majority of the time in the days that dragged by. I’m not sure how much she noticed as she was usually doing her best to care for her daughters and make sure they were 100% taken care of, working hard at her job, and maintaining the household; at the same time meeting my needs and her own.

One day my wife came to me while I was on my phone and asked me who I was always talking to. I lied and said it was one of my best friends and some of my family members back home. She tried to tell me she felt a distance between us and that she wasn’t sure what to do because she feels completely left out. The next thing I knew I was lying to her about everything. I would even joke and tell her that lies were okay because they save people from the pain of the truth. Honestly, with the way she was that is probably what struck a nerve with her, and she started to guess something was up. Our intimate moments remained the same, the days were the same, but our consistent flirting and daily passion for each other became severely lacking. She noticed my phone was going off a lot at night when we were in bed together and tried not to question it, but I could tell it bothered her. In my mind I did not know what was happening to me. I still loved my wife, but I was so intrigued by this past girlfriend who was head over heels for me I just could not stop talking to her. I even thought about going home for a visit to see her and see what would happen between us. What was I thinking!?! I was betraying this beautiful woman who slept next to me every night for someone from my past.

At some point within the last two months, I noticed my wife had gone silent on me. We would separate for our daily lives away from each other and I wouldn’t hear a word from her unless I messaged her first or sent her some funny meme I’d find on Instagram. I started to wonder if she was cheating on me. She was also silent with me at home. I’d come home some nights and her daughters would already be asleep in their beds and my wife would be either taking a shower or already in bed. I worked a lot, so I had already felt bad about that. But she stopped rolling over to give me any kisses or physical attention when I’d finally come to bed. I’d wake up and she’d be already on her way out the door. I didn’t notice that she wasn’t sleeping well, and it was starting to wear her out. I pushed her away, so she only did the same to me. I continued to talk to this ex-girlfriend, and she continued to batter me up and make me crave and desire her. It never occurred to me where her husband was or why he was okay with our constant communication. I was just happy to be getting some attention from someone I felt so bad for damaging all those years ago, and not only that… she wanted me!!

Three weeks ago, I got a phone call from the emergency room. It was my wife. She had felt pain in her chest and collapsed at work, her mother was picking her children up from school and the doctors told me she wasn’t looking too good. I dropped everything I was doing and felt this God-awful warm feeling wash over me. I raced to be by her side. That was one of those moments where I had no idea what happened, but I needed to be there for her. My ex-girlfriend kept messaging my phone as I was holding my wife’s hand while she slept in the hospital bed, and I finally started ignoring it. When the doctors came in, they had explained she had a mild heart attack, and her stress levels were through the roof. They said this was incredibly confusing because she was perfectly healthy; her heart was good, her internal organs checked out, she was for the most part fit; they just didn’t understand why she was so stressed to have caused a heart attack. It was that moment I knew; I was causing her this stress. And I knew somehow, I needed to make it right.

I tried so hard to break off communication with my ex-girlfriend, telling her my wife needed me and I couldn’t focus on the situation with her anymore. Her feelings got hurt all over again and, again, it was my fault. Why did I keep hurting the people I loved?

My wife told me a week before she passed away that she knew what I had been doing. She told me how badly it hurt her and literally broke her heart. We talked about it for hours and I couldn’t really defend myself because, well, I knew I was wrong deep down. I sat silently for most of it as she explained how much this broke her trust in me and everything that she had done to show me how important I was to her life. But she said we would work through this together, again. The last few days we were together we communicated every day like we used to. I complimented her in every way possible, and we were even more passionate together in bed. It’s like my ex-girlfriend and that situation was once again forgotten and I was back in my wife’s heart. Until two nights before my wife passed, my ex-girlfriend messaged me that she was coming into town to see me, and she wanted to have lunch and apologize. I did not want to hurt her again, so I agreed. As we were eating at a local Bistro, my wife was out shopping and saw us in the restaurant as she walked by. She stopped… tapped on the glass of the window outside and walked away. She was carrying a bouquet of marigolds that her oldest daughter said she wanted to put on the kitchen table. When I went outside to chase her down, she had stopped, dropped the flowers to the ground, clasped at her heart, looked at me with a look I will never forget for the rest of my life and then dropped to the ground. I ran over to her, grabbed her in my arms and cried harder than ever. She looked at me, smiled and reached up her left hand to my face and placed it against my cheek; seconds later, she passed away. Right there in my arms. Everything else after that was a blur.

Now here I stand, unable to find the words to express how dead inside I was that I had lost the one person who never wanted to hurt me, always saw the good in me, loved me without conditions and so much more. The love of my life left behind her two daughters with her family, and she left me behind too.

I continued, “She was one of the most amazing women I’d ever met in my life and no matter how much I screwed up, she always saw the best within me. And now she is gone. I’m so sorry… I will never stop loving you… and I hope to see you again someday. Goodbye my wife.”

I started crying my heart out and dropped to my knees. I could hear everyone in the room sobbing in their seats as I cried harder than ever. I realized in that moment that I had never learned my lesson from hurting that ex-girlfriend. And in trying to repent for that mistake, I lost the best thing I had ever had. One of my close friends came to help me up and walk me to her casket. I stood in front of her one last time with tears flowing down my face as my friend handed me three marigolds to place upon her body.