Land O' the High Endeavor

Nobody seems very concerned for her

Honestly, this is wonderful. The pacing is great. The dark-humor is tasteful. The message is important. The only thing I found was a misspelling of "story." (ctrl+f for "storey" to find it). Really great piece. I read some other comments and see where they're coming from, but I had an easy time relating to it; the idea of whether or not one wants to die. It's an interesting concept. Sometimes, I don't want to exist, and other times, the thought of not existing terrifies me to no end that I'm worried I'll worry myself to death. I like Caminum's idea of replacing some dialogue with bits and pieces of the character's life. Maybe moments where things felt impossible to get through and moments of pure joy where life was more than worth living. All and all, this is a really well-thought-out and creative story. One you rework it to your desire, you should consider submitting it to some literary journals :)

I realized this story at once invites and precludes an existential reading. We think dying is the process that first begins near our death; but since we’ll never experience death (all experience being on the side of life), we can just as well say that our entire life is one slow death. Each second, we are falling towards nothingness; death is no part of life (as the cliché goes) but its very whole. Further, light-hearted absurdity easily suggests itself as the right tonality for rendering and tempering this memento mori. But of course, this reading would better apply to a downpour of mortals, as in Magritte’s ‘Golconde’—for everyone is fatally falling. The words “I wanted to face my mortality” hint at a larger theme, but the focus on the question of suicide seems to restrict it. On the other hand, maybe the reason why she alone is falling is because she wanted to face mortality (as she says), while the others repress that knowledge. . . .But putting that interpretation aside: This story didn’t come across as dark to me, only absurdist. (It also made me remember a precedent for the link between absurdism and falling: the old ladies falling off roofs in Daniil Kharms’s stories, themselves quite funny, as well as clear cases of flash fiction.) Without imposing the label itself, I’d say this text had something like a magical realist vibe of whimsy, to this reader at least. ––– I’m a firm believer in that quote from Saint-Exupery: “Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.” The briefer the fictive flash, the more each word stands in need of justification, IMO. Hence, I would not expand but prune, pare, and dock. I think there is some repetition of the central questions (why is she falling? etc.), to which the different iterations and characters don’t contribute sufficient variation. To me, MacNeil was without doubt the best character, since the bagpipe episode came completely out of left field: it fits very well in the story precisely because it doesn’t—that is, because it is surprising; it also helps heighten the absurdity. But with some of the other characters, I feel a certain loss of narrative momentum (be this loss consonant with the slow fall). Alternatively: instead of shortening the text, I would replace some of the conversation with more glimpses into MC’s life—especially if she isn’t simply an emblem for the common lot of mortals. Light shed on her personality or thoughts could either make the reader relate to her more, or add layers to the main theme. ––– I tend to think the first phrase and the last phrase of a text are the most important. The first phrase is great, and I like the uncertainty about tense, highlighting the peculiarity of our terminal transition. As for the ending: Earlier, we are told twice that she hasn’t made up her mind; near the end, Frida tells her to make up her mind; the last words tell us that she cannot make up her mind. I think at this point the reader is expecting something else: maybe half a surprising epiphany, some background to shed a little light on why she is falling, or some poignant observation. But how to improve the ending can only come from you, as it might end up re-framing the story. To me the funniest phrase was “It’s incredibly dull to move at the rate of an old person’s stair chair.” I like your use of imaginative comparisons, contributing to the humorous tone—a frog’s kicking, the dust devil, and said stair chair—and more is ever merrier.

I like it. It's so absurd, it's reminds of a Monty Python's black knight sketch where he gets chopped up and just doesn't seem to care. I had a few laughs reading this. If I would change anything, it would be to expand the ending. I'd like her to remember the truth and see her reaction to it.

It is an interesting story, something between a dream and an absurdist piece, but you didn't fully commit to where you wanted to go, probably because you wanted to make it a short piece. What's missing for me to make it pop more is either to 1) make it more real with emotions and a little more description of the falling process and the stakes involved. Seems to me the MC would have more reaction to a slow-motion life-or death scenario and there might be more introspection regarding how she ended up in this situation... or maybe she needs to figure the way out or 2) you need to go more absurd, more over the top, Alice-in-Wonderland... more about life decisions than about the technical aspects of falling. Would work best if it was somewhat "deep" while also being absurd. I would favor the "more absurd" approach over going more serious, but I still think you need more emotion/confusion in your MC. The last point I would make is that a major theme you seem to be exploring is whether she "decided" or not. Is it suicide or not. It almost works, but it doesn't have impact at the end, perhaps because we don't know the stakes. Also, her confusion regarding the question answers the question. It couldn't be suicide if she's not aware of what she did. The possibility of death doesn't seem real because of the absurdity and the lack of fear of the MC. Maybe if she could see bodies on the ground below her??? Or even many versions of herself on the ground below her in a kind of multiverse absurdism. Just some suggestions, but I think it's very interesting and with some modest expansion and retooling it would be a memorable story with a point that really sticks with the reader. 💙Anneliese

I like this - to be fair its my second time reading it and I liked it the first time, too. It feels absurd and surreal, and it made me laugh a few times. It has a very 'down the rabbit hole' feel and the way you write adds to this. I can definitely see how a little more length would allow you to expand on things, but I personally think it feels like a complete arc.

First, I really like the concept here and felt that this could be a much longer story. If you are looking for #Iron Maiden, I will tell you what I think. I honestly felt as I was reading that the story would end with her being startled awake by the sensation of falling. I think in a longer form you could go much deeper into her mind and the emotions that have caused this dream.

I suppose I didnt find it absurdist, but perhaps thats my mind - I work with suicidality a lot, its very familiar territory for me (not in my writing, in other parts of my life) and so for me it was less absurd and more exploratory, and I kind of loved that. I also loved how it extended from this moment of choice to something broader about how we live and how we know how to live. I actually really enjoyed it. No, no, it IS absurdist, but perhaps in a very comfortable, natural, well life IS absurd after all, way. So maybe that tone is just right. I questioned your opener. Like, I understand that you slowed us right down from the get go with inched, and it certainly drew me up short so I then "got" the rest of it, but somehow it arrested my flow almost immediately, before I was flowing. That both worked in setting the piece up, but also made it just that tiny bit harder to sink into. Similarly, the use of a grammar point - the tense of the verb - I loved the point, but my lazy "I just wanna read a story" brain went "oh you are asking too much of me there, you want me to use my intellect, dont you". I liked the point, but it was mildly offputting. I also wonder whether you could have given your speech some accents, just for fun.

So, I think you nailed the dark, absurdist tone you were going for here. I enjoyed every bit of it except for the ending, which felt too abrupt. As a reader, I want to know what decision or realization our MC comes to. I really enjoyed the dream-like aspect of the story. The way the ground never seems to get any closer made me feel like our MC is “stuck in a rut” in her waking life, perhaps feeling like she’s just going through the motions so to speak. Thanks for sharing Mackenzie, I hope this helps!

I liked it! So she’s falling in slow motion and talking to her neighbors, I think? Hoping I understood this story! If that’s the case, this is a hilarious story and funny concept!

My thoughts precisely. Mackenzie, I wish I could give you something to make this better, but that's way above my pay grade. This connects on so many levels: as macabre humor, as the thoughts that troll through many of our brains, & undoubtedly a whole lot more than I can think up right now. This is great writing. The dark absurdist tone is perfect as far as I'm concerned. The length is just right & I wouldn't change the ending at all. Leaving it there allows us to imagine what the next few floors might entail & how this ends.

I can feel that poor girls inner turmoil from here! I was hooked from the first paragraph, very well written!