Israel Declares Victory and Ends All Hostilities in the Gaza Strip

The almost century old conflict between the Jews and Hitler which began when Germany invaded Poland on September 1, 1939, has finally ended after 86 years. During the first part of the conflict, which has come to be known as World War II, approximately two thirds of all European Jews, some six million people were killed in Nazi concentration camps through a program of mass executions by poisonous gas and starvation. The surviving Jews went on to found the state of Israel and in more recent years struck back at Hitler by retaliating with a campaign of mass executions in the Gaza strip using artillery bombardment and starvation resulting in the deaths of at least 65,000 Palestinians or approximately one tenth of the population of Palestine.

Israeli spokesperson Ben Shiveth said the following today in a prepared statement released to world media. “Today marks a historic occasion. The great evil that is Adolph Hitler and the Nazi party have finally been defeated. With the mass deaths of Palestinians in the Gaza strip, including women and children, we have finally taken revenge for the deaths we suffered in the concentration camps so many decades ago. Even though we only killed approximately 1.5% the total number of Palestinians, around 65,000 compared to six million jews, and only about 10% of the entire population of Palestinians compared to 66% of all European jews killed in the Holocaust, we are satisfied that the brutality of deaths in Gaza and the prolonged time period over which they occurred is enough to overcome the disparity in the overall number of dead people. Moreover, we are confident that Palestinian suffering will continue for several more generations and many more will die or be displaced which will continue to bring parity to the numbers over time. While the total number of Palestinians killed will never reach six million since there are not that many Palestinians in the world, we are certain that from a percent of population perspective we will reach at least 66% and achieve essential parity in terms of numbers killed no later than 2030. With our revenge now complete we can declare victory, reclaim the holy land, and move forward to the future with our heads held high and our enemies crushed beneath our boots. We rest easy knowing Hitler is rolling over in his grave in anger at our final victory.”