INTERVIEW WITH THE MAKO

Okay, I’m ready. Which… Which camera? Right here?

Ehem…

Oh, hi, there! Yeah, I’m… pretty much a shark. Shortfin mako species. Yeah, nothing too fancy. I’m blue-gray and white. I have these gills right here on my side, they’re pretty useful. I swim around, find some squid, eat it. That’s my life, in a seashell.

More? Oh. Right. Shark Week.

Well, it’s hard to talk about myself. I mean, what do you say? I’m a fish! And I eat fish. Sometimes, I eat trash that I think is fish—that’s definitely not a good time. And, to be honest, I don’t really know what humans find so interesting about us. We’re just… normal, common sea creatures. I mean, sure, we have strong teeth, and we’re supposedly the largest predator in the ocean. But have you seen an octopus? Eight tentacles. That’s pretty impressive. And yet nobody celebrates Octopus Week! Go figure.

I guess that’s to our advantage, though. Sharks used to have a really bad rap, especially during the eighties. I don’t know why. But now, it’s like everyone wants to hang out with us. They put us in tanks and have children feed us krill. It’s not… It’s not the best kind of meal, TBH. But, hey—you’re getting handfed. And I think that’s a pretty good trade off...

But then they want to take our picture a million different ways. It’s cute, until it gets too commercial. It’s not bad enough that we’re not getting a guppy out of what they make from our image, now I got kids dressing up with tails at the beach in Puerto Rico! Talk about appropriation! Worst, human commerce has taken a chomp out of the ocean’s mind; a lot of fish and sea mammals are riding the human marketing wave like we’re not natural surfers. I have a cousin who keeps going up to the reef in Cancun just to have his fins photographed—it’s shameful, it’s disgusting! When I first heard the words "Shark Week," I wished upon a sea star that I would magically evolve into a lizard, just so I didn’t have to go through what was coming. But then I swam up to New England—I’m a Caribbean shark—and the Sea Turtles swam by singing: “Ba-dam. Ba-dam. Ba-dam…” And they winked at me. Like they knew something.

I got really paranoid after that.

Then, I found out from a manta ray in the Drawaqa Islands that Shark Week was really just a time for us sharks and humans to grow into a different relationship, one of mutual respect and appreciation. Obviously, some sharks didn’t get the memo. One of my friend’s kids was so unaware of it that he came home with a whole swimmer’s foot. His mom chased him all the way to 16-degree Celsius waters. See, he had a different opinion about why we’d gotten so famous. “I thought we ate someone important!”

Yeah. He’s a young fin. You think you have teenage problems? Try dealing with ten pups at the same time! The shell shock is real…

As for why they call us makos, I don’t know. We swimmo. We don’t “mako” anything.

Get it?!

Actually, I have a friend in New Zealand who says it has something to do with their people. When they were voting for shark names, mako came up seven times, and Māority rules.

And you thought a shark couldn’t tell a joke... We may not be dolphins, but we can swim our way around the tank, if you know what I mean.

Now, can I ask you a question? What’s up with swim suits? I mean… What’s that all about? I’ve tasted human skin, and… It’s impermeable. Swim suits start lookin’ a little crazy. Just sayin’.

Also, nets. Are those really necessary? If I have… If I have one complaint against humans, it’s that you talk about liking us, but then you make us dinner! You can’t love and hate us, that’s an abomination! It’s one thing Shark Week hasn’t ended. You still like our meat a little too much.

Oh, you think that’s funny? Wanna see it from my perspective? Try making human soup.

Yum.

Now, about the ocean as a habitat, it’s pretty cool.

Sometimes, it’s also warm.

Badum-tss!

If I have to give being a shark a rating, I’d give it a ten. Some of my friends wouldn't agree. My brother complains about tuna scarcity, which is understandable. And I guess, in life—all life—we all wish there was something better out there. Like dolphin meat.

Ha… ha… ha…

No, but, seriously, I think, once in a while, we all run into a little identity crisis. I know this orca who wanted to be a seagull. Interesting story there. But, I mean, if you take a look at the whole ocean scene, it’s not really something to complain about; not really a bad life at all. Sure, we get the hook from time to time, but who doesn’t? And look at it this way: we don’t work, we get all the free water and fish we want, and we don’t pay rent. We pretty much don’t do anything except for breathe and eat.

We’re basically your typical teenage human kid.

Except we’re prettier.

Come on. Admit it. You wish you had these gills.

Jokes aside: could I have been anything other than a shark? Maybe. There’s this one guy, and He’s the Creator of everything, and he told me once, when I was passing by Mediterranean waters, that He was “the Hand that fed us all.” He also told me not to worry that I was a shark. “I didn’t make you a whale for a reason.” I guess He knew how much I like the hump on humpbacks. I didn’t know what to say except for: “Thanks, Man.”

“You’re welcome.”

So, what else can I say? Enjoy your Shark Week, don’t eat a lot of shark meat, share the fish in the ocean with us, say your prayers every morning, noon, and night, and stop littering. You know what I mean, Indonesia! If I have to floss my teeth with another one of your kids’ diapers, I’m gonna have Tony the Mafia Whale throw up on your beach.

*Smiles*

The End