Inhuman Roomies

- Day One -

Bill’s hand instantly found his phone and turned off the alarm. He hoped briefly that he could fall back asleep, but the sun was up and he could hear his new roommate moving around already. Bill opened his eyes and turned over in bed.

How did he not realize before how pale Viktor was? Bill’s roomie stood shirtless before a mirror, carefully slathering sunscreen over every inch of skin.

“Oh, my friend Bill, good morning!” Viktor said. He spoke with a hint of an accent, maybe Russian or Polish or something, but he insisted he came from Louisiana.

“Mornin,’” Bill said. A few moments passed as Viktor finished applying the sunscreen and Bill composed himself to get up. “Ready for the first day of classes?”

“Yes!” Viktor grinned. “I am ready to be studying Computer Science. There are such mysteries to unlock, and many mega-bites to have!” He snapped the air playfully with his unusually sharp-looking teeth, then laughed.

“Hah,” Bill said. “Good one.” Bill and Viktor both dressed for the day. “Want to hit the dining hall?”

Viktor looked close to panicking. “I cannot! Thank you for the invitation, my friend Bill! I have a special diet. I cannot digest the gluten, and must regulate my blood sugar, and the tree nuts close up my throat.”

“That’s terrible,” Bill said sympathetically.

“The shellfish, they give me the hives,” Viktor continued. “And the Alpha Gal! Ah, I mean the alpha-galactase, I cannot eat meat.”

“So you just live on salad?”

“No no, I am allergic to chlorophyll,” Viktor said. “It is very complicated, but it is also easy. I drink the special Health Food Shakes.” He pulled an opaque bottle out from the mini fridge under his bed and gave it a swirl. “Is everything my body needs. But maybe our suitemates, they will eat the breakfast with you?”

Viktor was right; the boys across the hall were hungry. Dolph and Mohammed were both curious guys. Dolph seemed to have no attention span: every bird that flew by, every squirrel scampering across the walkway, and every girl in a hundred yard radius caught his attention. Bill was almost certain he had seen Dolph pause to sniff the air. By contrast, Mohammed was too generic. He walked a little stiffly, as if he tried too hard to control a body of average height and build.

“Soooo,” Bill said. “Where are you guys from?”

“California!” Dolph exclaimed. “Yosemite National Park is basically my backyard. I love it. I love to hike there. And there are so many interesting sme... so many interesting sights!”

“Cool,” Bill said. “And you, Mohammed? Did you grow up around here?”

“I am from...” Mohammed hesitated. “The City Of New York, often called New York City (NYC), or simply New York (NY), is the most populous city in the United States.” He briefly paused again, then continued with his oddly monotonous voice. “If you know anyone from the City of New York, they are unlikely to know or remember me.”

Once in the cafeteria, Bill watched his suitemates arrange their trays. Dolph loaded two plates with every breakfast meat available. Then he grabbed a bowl, but instead of cereal and milk, he filled it with water. Mohammed circled the cafeteria twice, studying every offering carefully before selecting three hard boiled eggs and a glass of soda. Bill sat with them, eating his cereal and watching them with some amusement.

“Why do you observe us?” Mohammed asked him.

“It’s just, I’ve never seen anyone eat like you before,” Bill said honestly.

Mohammed looked down at his plate, and then back up at Bill. “Hard boiled eggs are an efficient food.”

“I can’t argue with that,” Bill said.

Dolph didn’t seem to notice the conversation. He was too busy savoring bacon, ham, and sausage with his bare hands.

Bill sipped his cereal milk thoughtfully. He wondered if he should give Viktor, Dolph, and Mohammed tips for blending in. Then again, why not embrace the weird and see where it went?

“Do you guys ever play DnD?”

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- Pledge -

As Bill and Dolph returned from the gym, they found Mohammed sitting on the floor in the common room with several sheets of paper spread out on a coffee table before him. Viktor sipped his “Health Food Shake” from an opaque bottle and read over Mohammed’s shoulder.

“My friend Mohammed,” Viktor said, his voice lilting with the Eastern European accent he never admitted to having. “Do not pledge to Lambda Chi Lambda. They have no sense of the style!”

“What is this?” Dolph asked, bounding over to them with an energy Bill couldn’t begin to fathom. “These are lots of papers! Each column comes from one place, and all the places have beer.”

Mohammed gave Dolph his typical questioning expression. “How do you know these things?”

“Can’t you smell the beer?” Dolph asked. “Now I want beer! Gotta shower first though.” He bounded off to his and Mohammed’s room to get his towel.

Bill examined the papers, too. A fraternity bid topped each column, and Mohammed had arranged the organizations’ charters below their bids. Bill shrugged and said, “I don’t smell beer.”

“I do,” Viktor said. “These places all have beer and ramen and the Axe and the Febreeze. Mohammed my friend, you cannot pledge to Sigma Beta Beta. Their house does not have the laundry detergent!”

“Gross,” Bill said.

“It is desirable to have style and laundry detergent,” Mohammed said. He stacked the Lambda Chi Lambda and the Sigma Beta Beta columns neatly and set the papers aside on the floor. “Viktor my friend, do you have any insights about Epsilon Theta Epsilon?”

“Very stylish!” Viktor said with approval. “I love the secret Ep’-Theta-‘lon handshake. It is like the greetings of the courtiers in Louis XII’s court!” He demonstrated a flourishing bow, then took Bill’s right hand in his own and kissed Bill’s cheeks.

Bill took a step back. “How very European.”

Before Bill knew what he was in for, Mohammed had risen to his feet and stepped forward. He replicated the bow, grabbed Bill’s hand and kissed his cheeks.

Bill retreated again. “Okay, I guess my body language didn’t make this clear, so I’ll be explicit: I do not want guys kissing me.”

“Kisses on the cheek are not desirable,” Mohammed said in that infuriating monotone that sometimes made his questions sound like statements.

“Kisses between men are not desirable,” Bill said. “Here. Usually. Some guys are into it, whatever, just ask first. I don’t care what consenting adults do when I’m not around but I don’t want guys kissing me.”

“Bill my friend, consent is desirable,” Mohammed said.

“Consent is mandatory,” Bill said. “Besides, isn’t Epsilon Theta Epsilon a Catholic fraternity?”

“The Catholic Church, also known as the Roman Catholic Church, is the largest Christian church, with approximately 1.3 billion baptized Catholics worldwide as of 2016,” Mohammed said.

Bill made a mental note to check Wikipedia later to see if that, too, was the first sentence of an entry. “Why would a guy named Mohammed want to join a Catholic fraternity?”

Mohammed blinked. “I did not think that would be unusual,” he said carefully. “Bill my friend, Mohammed is a very common name.”

“I’m going to go shower,” Bill said. He nodded towards the remaining columns of paper on the table. “Good luck with that.”

As he walked away, he heard Viktor say, “Our friend Bill makes the good point. The Catholics, they have the style, but they have strict requirements. You want the loosey-goosey.”

The bathroom was already steamed up from Dolph’s shower, but it was empty. Bill quickly got clean and dressed. He returned to the common room, where he found a state of commotion. Dolph and Mohammed had pressed themselves into the door to the hallway and were shouting at someone. Viktor watched them from a few feet away, shaking his head as if he thought the whole thing were rather silly.

“YOU CAN’T TREAT US LIKE THAT! I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS!” Dolph shouted.

“FRIENDS DO NOT DO THAT!” Mohammed shouted.

“IF YOU HURT MY BUDDIES I WILL TEAR YOU APART!” Dolph shouted.

“EMOTIONAL INJURY WILL FACE THE RETALIATION OF PHYSICAL INJURY!” Mohammed shouted.

“COME BACK AND APOLO—ugh!” Dolph slapped the door frame with his palm and came back into the common room. “He ran away to his suite.”

Bill gave his suitemates a quizzical look.

“It is Kevin from next door,” Viktor explained. “He is pledging to the Mu Alpha Alpha and he refuses to acknowledge anyone outside of the fraternity.”

“It’s bogus!” Dolph said, pacing angrily. “I thought he was with us! What’s he need another pack for? It’s crap!”

“This is no good!” Mohammed said loudly.

“It is the name of the game,” Viktor said. “These fraternities, they test their potential new members. Mohammed my friend, no fraternity which does the hazing is worth your time.” Viktor finished his “Health Food Shake.” “Dolph my friend, shall we walk together to the Statistics classroom?”

Dolph’s anger disappeared. “I want to go for a walk!” He bounded towards the door to the hallway, then turned back. “Gotta get my bag!” He ran to his and Mohammed’s room and returned in a flash, wearing his backpack and handing Bill a protein bar. “Bench PR’s, buddy! Hydrate and eat protein!” He turned to Viktor. “Let’s walk! I want to walk!”

Dolph was out the door before Viktor had even waved goodbye to the others.

Mohammed watched them go, and Bill thought that he even looked a tad forlorn.

“What’s going on with you?” Bill asked.

“Bill my friend, I am considering the fraternity bids,” Mohammed answered.

“No, no,” Bill said, “I mean, you’re being especially weird. Why are you copying Viktor and Dolph? The name-my-friend business, and that temper tantrum.”

“It is common for people to adapt the mannerisms and figures of speech of their acquaintances,” Mohammed said. “It helps establish social bonds. Bill my friend, you have taken to weightlifting with our friend Dolph.”

“An exercise program is one thing,” Bill said, exasperated. “Viktor’s way of talking is part of his accent. On someone who talks like us, it sounds affected. And Dolph is a great dude but he needs to learn to regulate his emotions.”

“I thought humans could not choose their emotions,” Mohammed said.

Bill found the phrasing rather interesting. “We can’t control our feelings, no, but we can control what we do with them. And…” Bill hesitated. He didn’t want to say too much. “I wouldn’t take Viktor and Dolph as models of typical behavior.”

Mohammed blinked at him. A moment passed. Bill smiles and sat on the sofa, opening his protein bar.

“Will joining a fraternity be socially helpful for me?” Mohammed asked.

“Probably,” Bill said, “But Dolph did make one good point. You already have friends.”

Mohammed looked over his fraternity bids. Bill ate his protein bar.

“Bill.” Mohammed sat next to him on the couch. “When making conversation with a girl in my Western History class, she asked about my hobbies. I told her about our Dungeons and Dragons campaign and she laughed at me. Are you unaware of the stigma against tabletop RPG’s?”

Bill swallowed abruptly and winced as the bite of protein bar went down hard. “I’m aware. Don’t worry about it. Shallow people aren’t worth your time anyway.”

“It is shallow to not like Dungeons and Dragons,” Mohammed said.

“Not necessarily. Just, it’s shallow to make fun of people for their hobbies. Let people like things! Some jerks will pick on you no matter what, though. You don’t have to cater to what they like.”

Mohammed let this sink in. Finally he said, “Thank you. You are kind to me, even when I am ‘especially weird.’”

“Well yeah,” Bill said. “I’m your friend.”

Mohammed gathered up all his papers. “I do not require a fraternity.” He placed the bids and charters neatly in the single stream recycling bin by the door. “I will simply pledge to be friends with you and Dolph and Viktor.”

“It’s a deal,” Bill said. “And our secret handshake can just be a handshake.”

“No kissing,” Mohammed agreed. They shook on it.

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Repost of my response to u/snowodin's 2018 prompt on r/WritingPrompts.