If You Give A Pig A Pancake The Musical

PENELOPE THE PIG: Hello, and welcome all to this podcast about me, the talking pig’s life featuring this random girl that I don’t know.

GIGI THE GIRL: Penelope goodbye! You know that’s a lie! You do-ooh know I! Sigh sigh sigh! Why why why!? Cry cry cry! Gigi is I! Goodbyeeeee...Good in goodbye

PENELOPE THE PIG: HEY, ever think about shutting your mouth for a second?

GIGI THE GIRL: But I’m loud and proud! Cuz baby you’re a firework! Come on show em’ what you’re worth!

PENELOPE THE PIG: Currently we’re in the kitchen where this little brat hasn’t cooked any breakfast for me in yet.

GIGI THE GIRL: I already told you before, there's cereal in the cabinet drawer! Let’s go! Let’s go! What do you got legs fo-o-or!

PENELOPE THE PIG: I already told you! I want pancakes not cereal! We have cereal everyday!

GIGI THE GIRL: But you know I’m lazy, baby! Thank you, next! Thank you next! Said thank you next! Yuh!

PENELOPE THE PIG: I don’t care, I want my pancakes and I won’t stop asking until you give them to me!

GIGI THE GIRL: Fine, but you’ll have to pay me in time! It’s only a matter of time, an eye for an eye I’ll go blind, and when did you stop being kind? You twisted your words like a knife!

PENELOPE THE PIG: What!? Hey wait a minute...go back a second...pay you what!? You have a talking pig! Is that not enough!? Ungrateful teenagers these days. Geez.

GIGI THE GIRL: I found these pancakes in the fridge, from my yesterday’s binge! Cuz I don’t care! I love it! I don’t care! I love it, I love it!

PENELOPE THE PIG: And you had them all along and I got none!?

GIGI THE GIRL: Well eat them while you can, before I eat them from the pan! Jealousy, that’s a sin...act like they your friend it’s just pretend...turn your back, watch em’ switch! This pig is so angry like a Karen!

PENELOPE THE PIG: I know you are. Hey Karen, but there's no syrup on them! How can I eat crusty old pancakes like these without any syrup!?

GIGI THE GIRL: Well there's syrup right over there! It’s sitting on that chair! So you’re telling them it’s all my fault! You’re the victim this time!!! Ohhohhohhohh and you wanna make it seem like it’s your call, actin like everythings fine

PENELOPE THE PIG: Okay...so can you please get it for me? I don’t have hands like you, you know!

GIGI THE GIRL: Well there you go my annoying foe! I said, go, go, go, she always be actin like she know, know, know

PENELOPE THE PIG: Thanks, but maybe next time don’t whine up a storm about getting pancakes out of the fridge and syrup off a chair! You’re ruining my podcast! She’s insane, right!? Ladies and gentlemen, this is what I have to deal with every day of my life!

GIGI THE GIRL: Well at least I’m not a sticky mess! Now you have to go get undressed! You’re a mess, you’re a loser, just a hater and a user!

PENELOPE THE PIG: A shower again!? I just took one! No way!

GIGI THE GIRL: Yes way! Let’s get bathed! We’re going on a trip in our favorite rocket ship!

PENELOPE THE PIG: Well fine, but there at least has to be bubbles! AND DON’T FORGET MY RUBBER DUCKY! DON’T YOU DARE FORGET IT!

GIGI THE GIRL: Well okay then, as long as you clean your bin! And clean it MY WAY! Said I want it that way!

PENELOPE THE PIG: Fine! I’ll do it later, but first you need to let me have my little spa day in the tub like you already said you would!

GIGI THE GIRL: Now hurry up then! It’s time to get clean! Bubbles and bubbles and bottles of bubbles!

PENELOPE THE PIG: Kay guys, sorry this will take a bit...we’ll take a pause for a couple minutes and get back on after this crazy girl is done helping me get clean even though I was never dirty in the first place! Talk about OCD people! I am a pig you know!

(After short break):

PENELOPE THE PIG: Hey, after looking at that rubber ducky one last time, I just realized it looks just like the ones that used to be on the farm where I was born. NOW DRIVE ME UP THERE NOW LADY!

GIGI THE GIRL: No, no, no, said I won’t go, go, go, cuz I’m a pro, pro, pro at being the most, most, most, most annoying joe, joe, joe! Nah to the ah to the no, no, no!!! All you gotta say is...

PENELOPE THE PIG: Excuse me!? Who’s the star of this podcast here? The people want to hear the sounds of my farm land, not your whiny voice! Now drive me up there now, I demand it!

GIGI THE GIRL: I’m too tired, I hope you get fired! Such a fun denier! Out of tune in a perfect choir! Set this pig on fire!!! Set this pig on fire!!! Said set her on FIRE!!!

PENELOPE THE PIG: Awww!!! How sweet!!! Hope the same to you! And hey, just looking under your bed I saw your old tap shoes.

GIGI THE GIRL: Okay? And what about it, baby? Baby, baby, baby ohhh, like baby, baby, baby, no!!!

PENELOPE THE PIG: Well I need to get all dressed up now! This gives me pig-spiration! Hold on for a minute people of the world! We’ll be right back in a minute as I get changed! For now, you hold this, girl! Bye! Going to get changed!

GIGI THE GIRL: I hate my life. This is not right. I won’t sleep tonight. I’m too lazy for fights. Please save me from this, hey this little pig! Got no tears left to cry!!!

PENELOPE THE PIG: Hey!!! I heard all that!!! I’m back!!!

GIGI THE GIRL: Wow, that was so fast! Such a fast dash! Down the stairs, wish you crashed! It’s like you’re a pig flash! Oh I knew you were trouble when you flashed in!!! So shame on me yeah, I took you to places you’d never been! Now I’m laying on the cold hard ground!!!

PENELOPE THE PIG: Hey! Flash!? I’m way better than that annoying old dude!!! Well I don’t need to be him, I’m already a talking pig! Duh! Anyways, now let’s get some pictures of all of this!

GIGI THE GIRL: I’ll go get my camera, to capture this ridiculous getup! When you nod your head yes, but you wanna say OH!!!

PENELOPE THE PIG: HOW RUDE!? I WORKED HARD AT THIS!!!

GIGI THE GIRL: Who says? Who says you’re not perfect?

PENELOPE THE PIG: I’m going to make a little setup using furniture while she’s getting the camera! This will go here and this there and...whoops...totally did not just break that lamp!

GIGI THE GIRL: I’m back, but GASP!!! WHAT DID YOU DO!? I SHOULD’VE THOUGHT THIS THROUGH!!! Just keep breathin and breathin and breathin and breathin!!! I know I gotta keep, keep on breathin!!!

PENELOPE THE PIG: Whelp you can deal with this! I’m going to go send these photos I took using my own little camera device to my friends and family! Ta-ta for now!!!

GIGI THE GIRL: How could she do this!? This pig’s so useless! I can’t believe this! I’m so annoyed now!! I just wanted to sleep safe and sound! Tonight I’ll just worry and roam around!! WHEN I’M AWAY FROM YOU, I’M HAPPIER THAN EVER!!!

PENELOPE THE PIG: *LAUGHING SOUNDS

PENELOPE THE PIG: Like you know what it’s like living with you!!!

PENELOPE THE PIG: *WALKING OUT THE DOOR NOISES

GIGI THE GIRL: Geez! Louise! At least close the door!!! Oh you’re really something more!!! Love is a closed Do-o-oor!!!

PENELOPE THE PIG: *CHIRP, CHIRP!

GIGI THE GIRL: I can still hear chirps!!! Wait they’re fake, how absurd! Gosh what a huge jerkity jerk!!!

*DOOR OPENS

PENELOPE THE PIG: WAIT! I NEED STAMPS! GIVE ME STAMPS! AND ENVELOPES!

GIGI THE GIRL: But I have to, clean up you fool! Started on the right track then you had to come back, give you one more chance, saw the real you!!!

PENELOPE THE PIG: DO IT LATER!!! HELP ME FIRST!!!

GIGI THE GIRL: Fine alright! But I’m singing same time! If we’re doin this tonight, you know we have to do it right! We gon’ be alright, heyayayayayay, said we gon be alright!!!

*GIGI BEGINS SCREAM SINGING (HEAD IN THE CLOUDS GOT NO WEIGHT ON MY SHOULDER!!! I SHOULD BE WISER AND REALIZE THAT I GOT!!!)

PENELOPE THE PIG: Like you don’t sing constantly enough already? HONESTLY! Here...I’ll spare you guys by pausing this podcast for a bit…(whispers) she shrieks a lot, I’m sorry…

PENELOPE THE PIG: Okay, so we’re back now...we just went on a special mission to the mailbox and now we decided we’re building a TREEHOUSE!

GIGI THE GIRL: She tried to make me build a treehouse but I said NO NO NO!!! Yes I’ve been slack but when I come back you’ll know, know, know!!! I ain’t got the time, and if I fall off I’ll die!!! She tried to make me build I treehouse but I won’t go, go, go!!!

PENELOPE THE PIG: GO GET ME SOME WOOD, A HAMMER AND SOME NAILS ALREADY!!!

GIGI THE GIRL: Dangerous Pig!!! You’re no good for me darlin!!! Yeah you turn me away like I’m beggin for a dollar!!! Danger!!! Ohh, how you hold me I get a chill inside and nothing frightens me, baby, ohh

PENELOPE THE PIG: (continues whispering) We’ll be right back and describe to you what it looks like when it’s done! Sorry! (begins speaking) GIGI HOW DARE YOU!? YOU CRAZY GIRL YOU”RE RUI-

GIGI THE GIRL: The recording’s still on!!! What an embarrassing dumb!!! It’s like you got superpowers! Turn my minutes into hours!

PENELOPE THE PIG: I hate you. I hope you know that. I hate you.

*RECORDING TURNS OFF

GIGI THE GIRL: So while we were painting, this pig got all sticky, so she was reminded, oh I’m so dying...something bout you makes me feel like a dangerous women!!!

PENELOPE THE PIG: I SAID GET ME MY PANCAKES WITH SYRUP ALREADY!!!

GIGI THE GIRL: FINE!!!JUST ONE MORE TIME!!! Said one last time, I’ll feed this pig, some pan, pa-an-cakes!!!

PENELOPE THE PIG: NOW WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR!? LET’S GET COOKING!!!:

GIGI THE GIRL: SOS please, someone help me!

PENELOPE THE PIG: And that’s enough of our life podcast, I’m starving!!!

GIGI THE GIRL: Never enough!!! Never, never!!!

PENELOPE THE PIG: NOW SAY GOODBYE!!!

GIGI THE GIRL: HELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE!!!

PENELOPE: I SAID SAY GOODBYE!!!

GIGI THE GIRL: I’m way too good at goodbyes.

PENELOPE THE PIG: GOODBYE!!!

GIGI THE GIRL: GOOD IN GOODBYE

PENELOPE THE PIG: I SAID GOODBYE!!! IT’S MY PODCAST...AT LEAST LET ME END IT!!!

(Camera clicks off abruptly)