Sasquatch: A Date Gone Wrong

Elly: (Runs over to Tamara’s table at Frenny’s and jumps into the seat across from her)

Tamara: Hello there sweetie! Are you looking for someone?

Elly: Why of course, SWEETIE! I’m looking for YOU!

Tamara: Oh…no…I’m not…I don’t think I’m who you think I am.

Elly: Yes you are, darling! You’re my one and true love, sasquatch!

Tamara: Okay…wow…I…let’s not get ahead of ourselves, dear. I mean, we only just met!

Elly: What!? No! We’ve known eachother forever now! It’s like you know everything about me, right down to when my last trip to the loo happened! (Begins whispering softly) Just don’t tell anyone the color…(Whispers even softer) Like…anyone.

Tamara: Look…I-…I’m not your mummy, okay?

Elly: Ewww! Gross! Of course not! Why the heck would I date a mummy!? Such overrated sasquatches, really!

Tamara: No…But you just called me a…nevermind. I-...Yeah, no. What I meant to say is that I’m not your mom, though now that I think about it, why would you date your- Forget it. Just…forget it.

Elly: What!? I’m not a potato, you know!

Tamara: I never said you were…

Elly: You can tell me! (grabs Tamara’s face and pulls it uncomfortably close to hers) Potato, TELL ME!

Tamara: I- (Confusingly looks down at watch)

Elly: Waiting for a super duper special someone?

Tamara: Yeah…I guess.

Elly: Rude.

Tamara: Rude? Talk about rude! She said she’d be here ten minutes ago!

Elly: Standoff?

Tamara: What?

Elly: Lolipop?

Tamara: No thanks…

Elly: Lemme guess…Her nombre Elly?

Tamara: Elly? Yes…Wait…How’d you know that?

Elly: I’m no potato.

Tamara: Okay-

Elly: I no sasquatch.

Tamara: Sure-

Elly: I NO SHORT!

Tamara: …I didn’t say you were…

Elly: I ELLY! Understand?

Tamara: Yes. I understand…but…

Elly: AM. ELLY. NO BUTTS. (Shivers) I’VE SEEN ENOUGH IN MY LIFE.

Tamara: But…

Elly: I SAID NO BUTTS! I like you, but NO BUTTS JUST YET!

Tamara: WOAH! SLOW DOWN!

Elly: I NO SLOW DOWN FOR ANYONE! I THE FLASH!

Tamara: (Snickers) I thought you were Elly.

Elly: WHO THE HECK IS THIS ILL E YOU SPEAK OF!? ARE YOU CHEATING ON ME!? ARE YOU A CHEETO NOW!? HMM!? IS THAT WHAT THIS IS!? HMMMMMMM!?

Tamara: But…

Elly: I SAID NO BUTTS! Not yet…

Tamara: You said you were Elly…I don’t get it!

Elly: I AM ELLY, CHEETO!

Tamara: I think you’re confused…

Elly: OH YEAH!? IS THAT SO!? WELL I THINK YOU’RE A JERK! A FARTING JERK!

Tamara: …How old are you?

Elly: OLDER THAN YOU!

Tamara: How. Old.

Elly: Oof.

Tamara: What?

Elly: I’m sorry. Is old lady deaf?

Tamara: At least I clean my ears. Now answer the question.

Elly: Old enough.

Tamara: Oh yeah? To ride on a ferris wheel at Disney?

Elly: No. To know when a gal is using me.

Tamara: Wait what? For what?

Elly: For six.

Tamara: The heck are you talking about?

Elly: I’m so over you, you know. Maybe some people don’t want to be six. Maybe some of us want to be ten, okay!?

Tamara: What, so you’re ten?

Elly: In two- Yes…yes, yes…not six, you got it? And I don’t wish to be six with you.

Tamara: I’m not six either…I’m nineteen and believe me, after all these years I don’t want to go back to being six. I’m finally in a better place.

Elly: Well I’m so sorry for your loss.

Tamara: Thank you?

Elly: But ninety or not, dead or not, I know when a person does.

Tamara: Does what? Oh…You mean? No! No no no no no no no! That’s not even the word…

Elly: Well…well…well…I’m not going to be sick with you then!

Tamara: I don’t want to be sick…Look, this has been just a huge misunderstanding…you said you were twenty two..

Elly: I DO NOT EAT TOAD STOOL!

Tamara: And I’m the deaf one?

Elly: Precisely. Deaf. Tone. Deaf. Color. Deaf.

Tamara: Listen, sweetheart…

Elly: I don’t talk to strangers.

Tamara: Yeah, I don’t think it works like that…

Elly: Yes, it do. Teacher say so.

Tamara: Let’s just get this straight, okay?

Elly: Don’t make me be straight! I’m beautiful just the way I am!

Tamara: Yes, you are.

Elly: Stop flirting with me!

Tamara: Just…Look…I thought we could be something…but you just turned out to be a huge…or rather, teeny catfish and so now we should just go our separate ways. I’m sorry, but this is just how it has to be.

Elly: Because I’m a dwarf?

Tamara: No, because you’re eight…I think…and I’m way too old for you.

Elly: Oh. So it’s your fault.

Tamara: Who’s the catfish here?

Elly: What did you just call me?

Tamara: A cat fish. It’s what you are.

Elly: You know what? We’re over. It’s DONE! If you can’t accept me for who I am then I’ll never be sick with you!

Tamara: Good.

Elly: You know what? You don’t even need me!

Tamara: I’m aware.

Elly: You’re just as sick without me!

Tamara: Bye.

Elly: Oh come on! At least buy me a pancake to make up for this whole ordeal before you push me away any further!

Tamara: No.

Elly: Gosh dang it, sasquatch!