I Will Never Be A Memory

Part I

Swallowed by the belly of the beast, Jinn disappeared through the doorway portal and into total darkness. The ethereal black of an infinite abyss. After taking seven steps forward he paused, considering whether or not to look back.

Right on cue, the supernatural door closed behind him with a resounding click. Unbeknownst to him, the unknown entity responsible for overseeing and guarding the portal didn’t skip a beat in their duties. The portal was now shut. Pausing for a second to collect his bearings, he couldn't help himself, pivoting one foot to the side whilst turning his head to verify with his eyes what his ears had already told him.

Slowly the door faded away into nothingness, its opacity steadily decreasing as if controlled by a dial, until finally the way out was gone for good. Completely vanished from space and time.

Someone or something interrupted him before he could take another step forward, wasting no time to make their presence known.

"Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster."

A calm, womanlike voice rang out throughout whatever dimension or plane of existence Jinn now found himself in. Peculiarly, to him it sounded like it came from everywhere and nowhere, from inside his mind and outside, all at once. He looked around anyway, trying to spot any places or things of interest in his immediate vicinity. None revealed themselves.

Yet again, mimicking the same sort of cadence as before by speaking in riddles, the mysterious voice spoke once more, putting fully on display its knack for poetic timing. The millisecond before Jinn would have instructed his feet to begin walking again, he’d been sidetracked again by a familiar event interrupting his journey ahead. Coincidence? Or not? At the very least, the messenger caught him off guard just as effectively as the first time. Did the entity with the softspoken voice have access into his mind and thoughts somehow?

"And if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you."

The message, warning, or whatever the words as a whole represented spawned an emotionless half-smile on his face, followed by a long, drawn out sigh. Not knowing who he was talking to made for an unnerving conversation, nonetheless, he went with it.

"I'm afraid it's a little late for that."

By using deductive reasoning and applying context, the mention earlier of him becoming a monster held a certain degree of relativity. He understood what they meant, and he whole-heartedly agreed. Thinking back on his past, in more than one occasion did he fit the criteria of ‘monster.’ His response may have seemed like his intention was to banter, to joke, or come off like a smartass. However, neither of the above negative connotations associated with his tone of voice were correct. In reality, he simply told the truth. Unsurprisingly he’d been misunderstood yet again. Story of his life, practically.

No verbal response came, only a frigid wind which stung him straight across the face, simultaneously sending his clothes into an excited ripple. Then, as quickly as it came, and just like the doorway before it, the wind waned until it gusted no more.

Without a clue about where to go, Jinn walked deeper inside the unwelcoming void beast after he became confident enough another round of interruption would not be incoming.

To a certain degree he’d become accustomed to being comfortable in uncomfortable situations, thus the unknown of what lay ahead phased him little. Sadly, for him, even when he’d thought he had seen it all, life made sure to throw a curve ball to ensure no mortal could claim such a feat. This may or may not be as a piece of foreshadowing.

Suddenly the ground changed. Originally composed of smooth, evenly placed stones which sent each footstep echoing out and about, now each step caused a small splash and supplementary mini-waves beneath his feet. The further he walked, the more the extremely shallow water’s luminescence increased. It wasn’t enough to fully combat in this darkness blanketing the immediate vicinity, but at least it was something. Not like there was anything interesting to see anyway. Faced with a limited number of options, he just kept on walking for what felt like hours. Then, with no warning, and no clue as to how much time passed since he’d been inside a whole new world, the familiar tap, tap, tap of stone ground returned.

Baffled by the position he found himself in, questioning if he’d accidently traveled in one giant circle, he paused for the second time, trying to collect his bearings. Sure, it was possible he’d veered slightly off course from a straight-line heading. At the same time, a massive but convinced him there was no way he could have gotten lost that badly as to turn himself completely around. At least he hoped so.

Jinn looked this way and that, turning his body and feet in the process, scouting for some kind of signal or light to guide him on. So much for that. Without any landmarks to guide his way, all that shuffling around rendered any attempt to reorient himself in the same direction prior impossible.

"Uhhh. This isn't good."

Lost, scared, and confused he became, trapped in an unknown world. All the pent-up despair he’d been desperately failing to bottle up came rushing to the surface. All the misguided hope for the chance at a happy life ruined him. And just like that, he did something he promised he would never do again. He cried, tears running down his face. Then the laugh of a mad man escaped him.

Rushing in like a monsoon came the worst mind-splitting headache he'd ever experienced, by far. Short, intense bursts of static sounds followed like distorted thunder ricocheting inside his head. Someone or something brushed across his shoulder.

The abyss blinked, changing the world from black to a thick fog of gray, offering slightly more than zero visibility like the moon, then back again. Revealed by the momentary light was an expanse of nothing in every direction, except for a lone object too far in the distance to identify it. He instantaneously questioned himself if he really saw what he thought he just saw.

His heart was no longer beating like normal. Actually, now that he thought of it, his heart wasn't beating at all. As pessimistic as ever, he brought forth two fingers to his neck to check for himself. Nothing. To double check, he made the same motion along three different spots on his wrist. Again, nothing.

Thump-thump.

One second later.

Thump-thump.

It wasn’t his heart making that noise, and after confirming the abnormality didn’t originate inside of him, logically that could only mean one thing. The abyss, or the void, or whatever stupid dimension he found himself in, had... a heartbeat?

No, that couldn’t be right. It had to be from the mysterious one talking before. Although… when she lingered about, he heard nothing of the sort. So, by process of elimination, logically speaking his original conclusion had to be the correct conclusion. Personal opinions aside—specifically one about logic being overrated and all—what else could it be? That question was half-rhetorical. Things were getting stranger by the second. What else was new?

This cluster-muck represented a perfect example of a time when everything you knew, or thought you knew, gets thrown out the window. No amount of preparation or life experience offers any discernible wisdom hinting at how to act or what to do.

Not sure what to do, thrust into an extremely fear-inducing predicament, Jinn said ‘screw it’ via his actions and without notice broke into a panicked sprint. When that fight or flight instinct takes over and starts internally screaming to run, that message drowns out every other firing neuron, commanding obedience.

From here, to there. From there, to here. While he fled, the eye of the abyss continued to blink. The heart of the abyss continued to beat. And naturally, the story of his life continued, since basically he was going nowhere. He ran in complete disorder trying to escape the psychological torture. Mentally, a battle raged inside his mind having spotted the lone object or possible haven in this place, like a swimmer lost at sea with no choice but to chance heading for a treacherous island. Jinn only had vision on it whenever the void blinked, conjuring up just enough light to spot its location. He faced another major problem, since each time he saw it next, the place changed positions each time. It sent him sprinting around on a wild goose chase, zigging and zagging, not unlike a chicken with its head cut off. He wondered if his mind was playing tricks on him or if something nefarious might be responsible.

Before long, the time came when he could run no more. Exhausted, dropping to one knee as he looked straight down, one fist on the ground for balance, he roared in a way only made possible by feeling a special kind of agony or misery.

"Where do I go!? What do you want from me!?"

Beyond the confusion from being here, the antagonistic voice toying with him like a puppet, and the uncanny dread of literally being lost and trapped in darkness, none of the above compared to the shame he felt for showing such a pathetic display of weakness. Why couldn’t he be as brave and courageous as the hero’s of folk lore or the legends sealed in an unforgettable history of the different World’s he’d traveled.

He started out as nothing but a Fool, believing at one point that the next step in his soul's journey might allow him to grow out of that sticky moniker.

All grown up, doomed to obscurity for all his life, he felt lied to. Once a fool, always a fool. He hovered on that line of giving up altogether. Sitting down and never getting up again, rotting away until his soul left his body, since clearly a non-functioning heart didn’t do the job.

Briefly, he sensed a secondary after wave of lingering static similar to the ordeal a short time ago in the past, except this time its effects produced almost no reaction. Either he’d gotten used to it the way a person gets used to rainfall in the background, or something unexplainable rendered it less powerful. Could be a bit of both as well.

A hand lightly touched his shoulder, the kind of mannerism someone makes when attempting to comfort another. Right on cue with that gesture, back came the voice from before, speaking in a different manner as before.

"I think you should go with your gut. And if it happens to get you lost forever, I think you should turn around."

Concerning the definitive tone of that rather profound statement, generally Jinn interpreted it negatively. One thing he observed for certain; this enigmatic figure wasn’t sounding so serene anymore.

“Nice speech. Are you speaking from experience?”

A brief pause in the conversation left the area enshrouded in an increasing tension so strong it could physically be felt. He aimed to keep his speeches level, neutral, and without emotion nor cadence.

Pissing off the only potential help to get out of this place wouldn’t be a smart idea. But neither would trusting a complete stranger right off the jump. He needed to see how things would play out, get a read on them, and sometimes the only way to do that involved creating tension and throwing off your new acquaintance’s guard.

"Aren't you going to ask what's going on? Aren't you going to ask where you are?”

Try as he might, none of Jinn’s senses were potent enough to locate the source of who he conversed with. Sweat dripped down his face into his right eye, immediately stinging it. All he knew for certain were the goosebumps on his arms were here to stay, feeling like this specter circled around him, intentionally brushing up against him at times, slowly growing more and more bold.

“Not if you’re going to keep speaking in riddles.”

Losing the battle to control his emotions typically was not a fight he lost. Calm, cool, and collected, he most certainly was not. A bad time for an anomaly to occur.

“Maybe utilize a bit of critical thinking and you may find the answers to your questions, not questions that lead to a limitless level of confounding misunderstanding.”

After that, she let loose a light-hearted laugh. The playful demeanor in that action made no difference in how he received it. Being laughed at crossed a line. Its sting inflicted a special kind of emotional pain, far worse than what happened to his stung eye.

Fuming, Jinn no longer cared not to bite the hand that could feed him.

"Shut up. I don't have to listen to you."

Spit flew from the corners of his mouth as he tried to catch his breath and steel his will. Sure, he screwed up by showing such incompetence in the face of a potentially clandestine danger. Time to reset. He couldn’t control the circumstances that brought him here, but he could control where he was going from here.

As he finished that little piece of interior monologue, he face-palmed. Subconsciously he may be humoring her semantics by mirroring them, but he’d nip that minor slip-up in the butt right this freaking second.

No longer gasping for air but remained kneeling, he stood up too fast, making him dizzy. His headache intensified, thus back to the ground he went. Uncontrollably, his eyes shut, and he passed out, unaware a mysterious force caught him in mid-air to let him down slowly.

Part II

Before he was even conscious on the outskirts of a whole new world, Jinn heard the birds chirping. Some individuals found the sound delightful like a warm welcome, but Jinn did not share that same adulation. Instead of being an encouraging signal of hope like dawn’s arrival, to him it usually served as a forlorn reminder that after the moon had come and gone, still awake he laid. When desperate for a deep slumber, the perkiness of the birds' song thwarted any further attempts at achieving a peaceful rest. To him it served as a symbolic metaphor of how sometimes one’s dreams can afflict more pain than nightmares.

He opened his eyes and they went wide, mesmerized by the breathtaking scenery.

“Go on. I’ll be here when you return.”

Standing at his side was his new acquaintance. Ghost, spirit, specter, of all the words that meant virtually the same thing with slight variations, none of them fit what he actually saw. Clearly he could tell someone was there, however she had no distinct silhouette. When Jinn stared, he thought he could make one out, but he knew the way a person’s eyes worked involved an illusory aspect of perception. She looked more like an unstable collection of energy or matter more than a solidified spirit of a woman.

“For the record I have a bad feeling about this. But alright.”

Technically he had a choice, but if Jinn’s personality type wasn’t clear enough by now, here's another fact about him. He wasn’t a big fan of technicalities. Hence, he had no choice. Without another word, he walked through another doorway portal into a brand-new place.

Once he passed through, then looked back, all traces of a door being there had already vanished. That suited him simply fine, this new area appeared much more appealing than the dank, dark hellhole he’d been in before. If he had it his way, most certainly he would not be going back there.

Atop a grassy hill gargantuan in size and reach he sat, looking over a land he didn't recognize. Subconsciously he brought his left hand up and brushed it through his short hair.

Flickers of movement captured his attention. At the foot of this mountainous hill stood a beautiful clearing full of all kinds of trees and other plant life. Bright and blooming crabapple trees of white and red. Large oak trees towering way up into the sky. So many beautiful things in one place, he’d never imagined a place like this could exist. Walking along a cobblestone path, a woman adorning a turquoise-colored sun dress looked to be enjoying herself. Something about her, the way she moved, the way her hair billowed behind her, it seemed, strangely... familiar.

"Hello!"

The greeting lacked energy, and so it was no surprise when the woman continued about her way. Momentarily he wondered if yelling a greeting might not be the greatest of ideas. After all, meeting a stranger in the middle of some empty, off the grid region would cause an apprehension in even the friendliest of people. Nevertheless, standing up, he brushed the debris off of his garments and shouted this time.

"Hellloooo!! Hello!"

No answer. No reaction. Not so much as the briefest of glances back. He leaned forward to rest an elbow on his knee, subsequently leaning his chin against a fist. There should have been some sort of acknowledgement to his presence. Granted he was pretty high up, but she should’ve been able to hear something.

The way down seemed treacherous in certain spots so he mustered all the resolve he could and headed down towards her. Moving slow and steady, he thought about yelling out again, then decided against it not wanting to accidentally spook her. Carelessness trekking down might potentially result in his downfall, pun intended.

Hearing the distinct crack of a branch, the kind indicating a footstep had snapped something, Jinn's gaze darted left towards the source. Surrounding nature obscured any chance at a clear view, granted he didn’t need to see the thing to know the creature had size, and therefore posed a significant threat. A few minutes of watching and waiting later, a subtle sound of rustling permeated through the air.

Then came a cacophony of more cracking branches, which could only mean one thing: the hunt was on. The crashing through the mountainous, forested region grew louder. The thing moved with astounding agility, bobbing and weaving its way towards the lady in the dress. Danger headed straight for her. He had to stop it before it was too late.

"Hey! Hey! Watch out! Something's coming!"

Why wouldn't she respond?

It was one of the most beautiful days he'd ever witnessed. Not too hot, not too cold, except when standing directly at the sun. Occasionally clouds would provide reprieve from the blazing fireball, however the shade of the largest oak tree fulfilled that duty much better. The woman reached the end of the cobblestone path and dropped a blanket on the grass beside the cool haven of said oak tree, placing a flowery designed patagonia styled pack on top. Next, she let herself down gently, leaned back against the tree trunk, and smiled.

That smile... he knew that smile.

Throwing caution to the wind, Jinn broke into a run, foregoing any further yelling in favor of focusing all his energy and concentration on the sprint ahead. More than once he trucked his way forward through narrow gaps between bushes, consequently getting scratched here, there, and everywhere by a relentless onslaught of thorns. Pain would not stop him. Physical pain, to be clear.

They were in the homestretch, both him and the mysterious danger moving faster than he could keep up. Any second now the monster would break through the forest’s edge and be within striking distance of the prairie's lone occupant.

He wouldn't make it in time to warn her. Helpless to do anything further, a sinking dread coursed through him. He had no other choice but to stop and watch, breathing heavily and leaning against a nearby crabapple tree.

Suddenly the breaking of branches and rustling stopped. Time had run out, as the absence of loud noises indicated the predator had broken free of the clearing’s edge. A four-legged behemoth charged straight at her, but by the time she noticed the danger it was already too late. The thing leaped on top of her and began to devour--

"Wait. What?"

The sounds he heard did not match up with his previous experiences hearing the blood-curdling screams of the doomed and dying, nor the unforgettable gurgling of someone attempting to scream with a slashed or mauled open throat.

He heard laughter.

Then even more of it, practically between each word she uttered.

"Stop. Stop it. Ok. Enough, boy. I love you too. Ok. I love you too."

Jinn walked a few paces forward to get a better visual on the clearing. About ten meters from the edge, he ducked behind cover, just in case, and peeked around it. Turned out, the four legged behemoth was instead a domesticated animal of some kind, or rather, her pet. Her companion. Huge yes, but vicious, no. No, no, no.

Earlier when he'd heard her voice for the first time, a fit of laughter had interrupted almost every other word she said. Things finally died down a bit and she spoke again, this time making his knees weak.

"Good boy, good boy. You're the best boy, Leenk. The only man in my life I'll ever need."

Legs like jelly, he needed to get closer and confirm his suspicion. Emerging from the clearing, he stopped, unsure of himself or what to say. She looked up, straight at him... and said nothing.

"Huh... Hi," he stuttered out.

Ignored, he finally put the pieces together. From her perspective, he was invisible. She could not hear nor see him.

It was the most pitiful greeting he'd ever made. The whimper of someone who had ben utterly and totally defeated. Wracked with grief, he dropped down to his knees, then to his hands, his whole body shaking. Ultimately, he collapsed, face first into the ground.

"I’m just tired. So very tired. Gonna rest my eyes for a moment, nothing more."

He voiced his thoughts aloud as if doing so would make it easier for his mind to accept reality. For his heart to not hurt him any longer by holding out hope for a happy ending or a glorious reunion. His choice of words were a euphemism to confess he’d given up.

It all came flooding back to him, one memory at a time. Always crossing paths, yet never in the right place at the right time. No wonder fate held such a infamous reputation for being cruel. He'd experienced her wrath firsthand. Although he thought he had been healed as much as was possible, the scar had been torn off, opening the wound once again.

The tears started to flow again as well as the self-hatred, eternally unmerciful, all the while this woman and her pet continued to pay him no mind.

Maybe in a past life it could've been. Maybe in a different future life it would be. In reality, those highly unlikely scenarios served as more lies he told himself to help deal with the pain. The pain of it all. The culmination and totality of a life lived unfulfilled. Wasted. Lonely.

For a younger Jinn, it would not come to pass either, and after many sleepless nights lying awake, he'd finally managed to come to terms with that. Finally he'd been able to set aside his own dreams and wishes for companionship in a strange cathartic moment where he realized there was better out there for her. That his tumultuous life had left him weak and subsequently unable to treat her to all the things he knew she deserved. He was better off dying alone.

Subsequent to all this time believing he'd come to that conclusion out of the goodness of his heart, he realized just how wrong he was. If only he wasn't so blinded by his own self-pity and doubt, he might've realized with a different outlook on life he could've been the one. Instead, he'd only been the cause of more pain, never able to sort his life out and make something of himself. Always coming up short. Blaming it all on the desires of some invisible entity or force. All along, he could have been with her. All along, he could have changed. But he didn't. And what's done is done. Destiny cold-heartedly betrayed him.

Lying curled up on the hard ground, Jinn fell asleep, the sounds of Leenk and his owner fading away, replaced by the antagonizing chirping of the birds. He cried more than a baby... How pathetic was that?

Part III

Whether he opened his eyes or closed them, the darkness was absolute. Infinite black in every direction. Two tears escaped his left eye. Rather than rubbing it, he let them fall. Jinn stared absentmindedly into the void with deference.

What had he done? How could this be?

"Do you not see? The flame... flickering once again."

It took his brain a couple seconds to catch up. During his short-lived stint inside that other world, dimension, or whatever it was, he thought nothing of the predicament which led him there, nor the door he entered to get there. Slowly all of it came rushing back, the catalyst to turn the sorrow coursing through him into anger.

"Go find someone else to mess with, why don'tcha? I couldn't care less about some dumb flame."

"Oh?" the good ole mysterious voice wistfully responded. "Thee who fans thy sacred flame cleanses the grip of Fate. The terror of Destiny. Is that not what thou long for, Jinn?"

He said nothing, What could he say at this moment that would not ring hollow.

The following silence hung in the air for what felt like minutes, though it was hard to say as time had undoubtedly been distorted. Somewhere in the distance flashed a light, then goosebumps covered his arms and the back of his neck. A transparent figure appeared, some corporeal alternative to a ghostly spirit.

"The Mother," announced the voice.

He looked at her as the Mother looked back, a different entity than the one who's voice he'd grown accustomed to hearing. To fearing. Something about her presence instilled a sense of peace in him, albeit not in the conventional sense. He did not feel an ounce of contentment, catharsis, nor relief. It was the kind of peace he imagined one would experience just before stepping foot through death's door, when it was all over. The peace of a man who's reached rock bottom. Who's left everything on the table yet came out unsuccessful, beaten by some divine workings of a higher accord that deemed his spectacular demise as an 'acceptable loss' for some unknown reason. Jinn had lost everything, including the last remaining love he had for himself, now leaving him without deference, lost in a physical and mental void as destitute as a void could be.

The comfort that came from the Holy Mother vanished, and he felt the full brunt of that absence as an unparalleled fear spread throughout his soul like a virus. Was she a part of some higher power he was supposed to put his faith in? A symbol of the hand of God reaching out to help him? Or was faith a concept that in the end was all for naught?

What part did the source of this omniscient voice play in all of that? Unless... it was a part of him all along? He could no longer reign in his curiosity. In his longing for answers.

"Who are you?"

Seconds before he asked the question, the transparent silhouette faded away. A cold breeze sent shivers down his spine. Jinn could feel her presence still watching over him, but wouldn't be able to properly explain the sensation causing him to feel that way. He surmised it was a concept something along the lines of a saying he'd now been reminded of and never understood the reasoning for. 'Its too quiet.' What did that even mean!? Does the presence of danger amiss like reduce noise? It was all so stupid. Birthed from his anger boiling over, still plunged in darkness, he thought back to the day he met her for the first time. The day he really met her. When the two of them locked eyes, and he smiled.

That day he had never felt so alive, full of excitement and purpose, fully immersed in the belief of some divine purpose he'd been born to fulfill. The belief in one day solidifying the ultimate companionship with her, no matter the obstacles in the way of reaching that, and realizing their purposes together.

But as time went on, and the doubt began to seep in, he could do nothing to stop it, like a sinking ship. This moment in time, trapped in the abyss, represented the climax of the darkness that'd been set in motion once he realized the glamorous destiny he had envisioned proved false. In that moment, completely opposite to how he felt after that life-changing day meeting her, Jinn had lost the last of the sands of piety in his metaphorical hourglass. The happily ever after he'd believed in and accepted with unthinking conventional reverence was gone.

"Please. Tell me who you are."

"Continue onward, and you just might find out."