I Was A Man...

He was a bull, but now a steer. Deep down, Most men’s biggest fear. - CJ

I walked back and forth from the front door of the clinic back to my car. I could not get myself to go thru the door. I promised her I would do this, but I was having a hard time following thru. I felt I was betraying my biology. Could I say I had it done? I’m an ok liar, except I always tell on myself. I’m not seeing a way out of this, ‘now what?’, repeating mindlessly as I wear a path for future men to follow.

All her arguments of why I should get a vasectomy over her tying her tubes made sense. There was the relative safeness of my operation versus hers. The cost compared to her surgery and as she said, ‘I’ll be up and about in no time.’ My arguments for her to get the operation were all coming from my ego, a fear of a change, subtle at first, like the realization that I’m never hungry for food again. I’d rather have my mouth sown shut. I was standing on a cloud.

what would come after the knife cuts me? like a ribbon opening a dead mall with useless stores. What’s the point? would I be free from desire, the ability to perform one of the few acts in this in this life that I’ve always enjoyed. Oh, and possible dementia has been reported I didn’t believe any of my arguments fully, but I felt I had to make them as a somewhat young, viral man.

My wife could be very convincing, or I’m not that smart, either way, she got me to marry her, give her a baby and buy her a house and all has worked out well so far following her lead. So here I am. Pacing back and forth, walking the stage like a beauty pageant contestant with vertigo, where the winner gets a sexual lobotomy.

Me and my selfish thoughts walk back to the car, Open the door, pull out my cigarettes hidden under the seat, and lean against the car. Realizing my appointment was scheduled for ‘right now,’ I yell out loud ‘don’t care’. I light the smoke and take a big full breath, filling my lungs with yellow, ugly smog. It seemed to calm me down. across the street pushing a shopping cart was an old man shaped like a 7. He was pushing a cart that was missing a wheel, he was struggling to keep it straight, but he kept moving forward. The man looked like my aunt, whom, long dead, I spent a great deal of time with each summer on her farm in the country.

Thoughts came down, making a Dresden of my mind. Memories each minute, draw pictures of her and her farm. The home movies come on. I play the film in my head of the summer of my 13th year, when one becomes aware of their body and all its functions and begins to observe the changing bodies of the girls around him. I didn’t want to spend my time surrounded by anyone not my age. Arriving mid-summer, walking past the house, and up to the arena where my aunt and all her hands were standing on the rails watching a commotion inside the ring. I hopped up on the edge of the fence before calling hello to anyone. Inside the ring was a big, semi-gloss bull, black as the bottom of a cave, angry at anything that moved. His horns had been sawed of turning them into clubs, not daggers. A huge, red bandana hung around one of the halved horns, like a charging army he ran from end to end. He bellowed and rubbed the planks on the fence feeling for weak spots, dancing around the ring looking to damage. I was young and weak and had never seen an animal in distress or angered before. My aunt called my name and waved me over to where she was, bending down to give me a kiss on the cheek. ‘what’s happening in there’ I thumbed towards the performance. ‘Oh, that… the bull has gotten too aggressive and is going after the cows. ‘he’s fighting with them?’ ‘Well, yes, but he’s also trying to mount them any chance he gets, and we just can’t have that.’ I back up on the fence to check on his current level of hostility. ‘So, what’s going to happen to him?’ questioning her curiously. ‘Well, the vet is on his way and well, he’s gonna castrate him.’ This made no sense to my young, naive brain. ‘what’s that mean?’ She paused for a second trying to decide if she should be the one to tell me. ‘The doc is gonna remove his testicles.’ I had heard of people having kidneys removed, I knew they cut off but his testicles. ‘what’s that gonna do?’ ‘Its gonna calm him down. He’s not gonna be interested in the cows anymore… he’ll just be.’ All this sounded so strange. ‘I’ve had him so long and he used to be quite a stud… I just can’t get rid of him, so this is what’s got to happen. He’s not made for breeding no more. I love him but…’ She smiled at me with a sadness, confirming it was bad news. I didn’t understand it at the time, but this day, right now, I knew why her face wore pain.

As I thought more about what it all meant and wondered why cutting off his testis would make him docile, the doctor pulled up, got out of his nice new truck, and walked over with his black bag to all of us standing by the fence. ‘Gerald’ my aunt said to him. ‘Lou Ann’ the doctor burped and nodded at everyone scattered around. I could smell liquor on his breath. He looked worn out but was vibrating with the last bit of energy his life would allow. ‘He’s in there’ he turned to the ring. ‘Yep… well get him in the cradle for ya… I just wanted to let him blow off some steam and bang the boards one last time… I know he’s a problem but I’m a bit worried this will take all the life out of him’. The doctor was not as sentimental. ‘it’s just a bull…he’ll be fine.’ My aunt forced a smile, then hopped on the fence to get a last look at him. ‘Boys, would you mind getting him and taking him in the barn… put him in the cradle… we can’t put it off any longer.’ The farm hands all echoed ok an went to opening gates and grabbing ropes to guide him into his stall. One of them hopped in the ring to antagonize the bull into the trap. The doctor walked to the fence to try to get a look at his patient. He missed the first rung on the fence and fell into the boards banging his head. This made me glad. He took his time and watched each foot hit wood before he committed and lifted himself up. His eyes squinted, scouting the bull, and secretly enjoying his slight intoxication. ‘he’s too big to rubber band. Were gonna have to cut him.’ My aunt became shallow. She knew it had to happen, no matter what.

The man in the ring had gotten the bulls attention, taking his blue shirt off and waving it around his head, and jumping up and down, a lunatic that had escaped the asylum. The bull turned, a strong Taurus posing for a stamp, finally seeing the idiot on fire, mocking his strength and dominance. The creature could no longer take it and charged after him like a cop after a criminal; Weaving and cutting with every step the clown took. Just as the bull was closing in to demolish the hand, he jumped up to the side of the fence swinging both legs up and over the top, laughing like a hyena comedian. the bull ran through his ghost and into the open gate leading to his stall. Tricked and corralled by some who would be found dead on the side of the road with his pants around his ankles and his throat cut. Time laughs at each man’s fate. What a pity. My aunt and the doctor hopped down a walked off towards the house, I couldn’t take my eyes off the trapped beast. He was the reason antiques stores carried insurance. Kicking and bucking over and again in his own footsteps. He had no room to move. Every leap he banged into the side of the wall, demanding freedom. I didn’t know exactly what was about to happen to him, but I know it wasn’t good. I Said a little prayer to john Wayne and hopped down, running to catch up with my aunt. She was standing at the bottom of the porch saying something to the vet. As I got to them, he turned and walked back towards the ring and headed into the barn. My Aunt put her arm around me. ‘It ain’t right, but it’s got to be.’ We walked into the house and into the kitchen. she gave me a piece of pie and asked me all about what I had been up to since the last time we saw each other. I started telling her about, oh who remembers what, I just know I had forgot all about the bull. We talked so more, and night came, we went to bed and woke up to roosters loud as car alarms. Nature demands attention. Downstairs my aunt cooked breakfast for me and all the hands. Hours later I followed Julio down to the fields to check on the cows. It was just a short walk and Julio didn’t speak much English, so we marched in silence. When we got to the fences holding the cattle, standing alone, opposite of the herd of healthy, hungry cows, camped the big, black bull. His red scarf was gone. He didn’t seem excited as before. And as the other cows circled the land he took no notice of them, barely acknowledging their existence. He seemed uninterested in what was going on. Julio jumped the fence and was flicking a switch at some of the cows leading them to another patch of grass. He made it over to the bull, switching him in the legs. The bull jumped and ran off. When Julio came back over to me, I asked him what he was matter with the bull. He laid a wry smile to me and said in a broken accent. ‘No more reason to live.’

‘No more reason to live,’ those words rained in my brain as I stepped on the cigarette. I looked at my car keys and thought about my future, my past, anything but the present. I wasn’t sure I would really need my testis any longer, but I liked having them. And the bull, oh that poor bull. When I went back to my aunt the next summer the bull was gone, she never told me what happened to him, and I never asked. I wish I would have asked her now. I pulled out my wallet and took out a picture of my wife. A beautiful woman who was above my pay grade. I had been lucky, and happy since the moment we met. She wants me, no, needs me to do this. I pull out the picture of my baby girl. My only true connection to humanity I will ever truly know. I love her and shouldn’t doing anything to distract from doing everything I can for her. I Put the photos away and take a big, clean breath. I lock the car door, turn to head inside. I know I’m late but I’m sure they could still squeeze me in. Unlike the bull, I can see it coming.