I Want To Know Magazine

"Hello viewers I am Spider-Guy. Welcome to my podcast I Want To Know Magazine. With me is my female roommate, cohost, and director Todd." Spider-Guy says in his opening monologue inside his apartment.

"Will! Where the hell have you been? I've had to do all your interviews for a week!" Todd shouts as she walks into her and Spider-Guy's home office with her hands resting on both of her hips.

"I’ve been busy punching evil in the face!" He says back while smiling at his cohost who is now wearing an annoyed expression.

Todd slams one hand down onto their wooden desk, "Will! We need to get this podcast going again." Todd says to him as she points a finger at Spider-Guy's face.

"Toddy you know how much I love to punch evil in the face," he replies and pats her shoulder affectionately.

"We’re losing listeners every time we delay our live session! You've got to take this thing seriously!" She yells out angrily with fire burning behind those brown eyes of hers that sparkle like lightning bolts when she is angry or upset about something.

"But it was so fun punching bad guys on my own terms instead of doing what they tell me for once!" He whines back. "Besides, there are plenty more villains who deserve a good ass kicking."

"I know you fight crime and I respect that. But you also need to earn a living and this is our only source of income. You got to be more responsible." Todd huffs while crossing her arms over her chest, "You're thirty years old for God's sake! That means you should act your age." Todd lets go a heavy sigh as if disappointed by his childish behavior, "It's not cool being irresponsible." Todd tells him as though lecturing a child, "And besides, I'm tired as hell from having to do all the interviews myself!" Her tone becomes even sterner and her voice takes a turn towards parental authority, "This isn't just some hobby for you anymore Will! This is a job." Todd scolds him as her anger grows.

"Now tell me how you really feel." Spider-Guy says sarcastically.

"Do you really want to know Will?" She asks back and stares at him coldly but still holds his gaze.

He nods in response since he knows better than to challenge Todd when she gets serious, "No I was being sarcastic."

"Figures. Let’s just get this show started." She replies. "What's our topic today?"

Spider-Guy says, "I've already talked about Bigfoot before."

"Yeah you spoken about him like ten times already. We need new material."

"We can talk about the Loch Ness Monster instead," Spider-Guy suggests.

"Alrighty then!" Todd exclaims happily and claps her hands together.

"For the record I'll have you know that Bigfoot is a famous celebrity. He has an action figure and everything." The vigilante explains.

Todd raises one eyebrow, "Damn it Will we aren't talking about Bigfoot again!"

"Yes I know that. I just think he should get the respect that he deserves as a world famous celebrity."

"Will we are not going to talk about Bigfoot again! Our listeners are getting tired of it! They want somthing else for us to discuss!" Todd states emphatically with her arms crossed over her cantaloupe size chest.

"Okay fine, let's do the Loch Ness monster." Spider-Guy concedes.

"Thank God! Finally something different." Todd sighs with relief.

"Loch Ness is interesting because there are reports from people who claim that he owes them tree fiddy and he also likes to play golf." Spider-Guy tells Todd.

"The monster of Loch Ness Lake, is he a dinosaur like so many believe or is he an alien spy from another world plotting world domination? Will what do you think about this?" Todd asks him in response.

Spider-Guy responds by saying, "Sorry I was just thinking about how much I really want a mech."

She rolls her eyes and ignores Spider-Guy since they both know why he wants one.

"Anyway, I think he’s a dinosaur who got frozen in time but was awaken by us pesky humans invading his home in Loch Ness. However, it’s quite possible he’s an alien menace with a space ship hiding in Scotland." Todd continues to explain her theory on the beast.

"That sounds like your typical sci-fi movie plot. I'm pretty sure that's the plot of a B movie we watched together once."

“Alright then Will, I'll ask you again. What do you think the Loch Ness monster is?” Todd says with an annoyed tone to her voice and crossed her arms over her B cup chest.

Spider-Guy thinks for a moment before answering, "A world famous golfer who asks people for tree fiddy."

"But is he playing fair and square? Or is he cheating somehow? I know this is all baseless speculation on my behalf but I think it’s a valid point. Also why is he asking for money? Is he poor? Or is he so rich he doesn’t have a real job anymore and is just asking people for money as his only source of income?!" Todd explains her thoughts further about the monster.

"Maybe Loch Ness Monster plays golf to distract us from the truth." Spider-Guy suggests.

"Too bad for him though. Nothing gets by us at I Want To Know Magazine!" Todd exclaims in response and rubs Spider-Guy's head affectionately.

"Yes but what do our listeners think?" Spider-Guy inquires.

"They're actually waiting on the line for us." Todd answers back matter-of-factly.

"Excellent! Hello caller you're on air with Spider-Guy and the smart and attractive Todd Cullen on I Want To Know Magazine. Who am I speaking with today? Also please refrain from saying anything sexual to or about Todd!" He asks the first person to call into his and Todd's online podcast.

"Hello this is Todd's number one BIGGEST fan! My name is Joshua Jacobson. Tell me Mr. Spidey what makes you think that you deserve to be in the presence of a beautiful and sexy goddess like Todd?! It is I who deserves such an honor. Her beauty surpasses any human being alive! She is strong, powerful but feminine enough to make me weak after just seeing how incredible she is." The basement dwelling conspiracy geeky nerd goes on talking nonstop about Todd while both Todd and Spider-Guy cringe behind their microphones.

"What does this have to do with the paranormal, supernatural, or conspiracy theories?" Spider-Guy interrupts the caller mid ramble.

"I think I heard enough from this guy." Todd says before cutting the caller off.

"Looks like you have a creepy stalker Todd." Spider-Guy points out.

"Well duh he’s called in multiple times talking about me in a sexual creepy way." Todd explains disgustedly.

"I've never heard of him before. I bet he couldn't even please you with his tiny dick." Spider-Guy jokes with his cohost.

"That’s because you were thinking of how to get a mech. You weren’t paying attention." Todd retorts back.

"Yes but Toddy think about all of the kaiju that I could destroy with one!" He exclaims happily.

"I think we have better things to do then worry about some mech Will. Besides you don't even have a mech license!" Todd quips.

"Are you saying you don't want to be impregnated in a mech while fighting kaiju?" Spider-Guy inquires innocently as if it was the most natural thing ever. "Let's move on shall we? Hello caller! Welcome to our show, which is now going into its seventh year thanks entirely by listeners like yourself." Spider-Guy replies.

"Woof Woof...I can go anywhere and fight anybody…Paws..." A dog voice answers.

"Todd a dog is calling us." Spider-Guy states calmly.

"How the hell is that even possible?" She asks in disbelief.

"It's probably just a prank call. HEY YOU DAMN KIDS GET OFF MY LAWN!!!" Spider-Guy yells over his landline phone.

"Um dear listeners, we at I Want To Know Magazine apologize for the inconvenience, we tend to get these kinds of weird calls! I’ll do my best to filter out the weirdos! Anyway next caller!" Todd continues without skipping a beat.

"Also don't ask for pictures of Todd covered in questionable fluids either." Spider-Guy warns the audience.

"As I said next caller!" Todd says cutting him off.

"Hello? Yes hello. Hello? Is this thing on?" An anonymous man speaks up.

"Who are you?!" Todd demands to know.

"It is I the Apple Man!" The male shouts happily.

"Apple Man? I hope its green apples!" Spider-Guy questions loudly.

"No only red apples." He whispers.

"What? Only red? FUCK YOU APPLE MAN!" Spider-Guy curses loudly.

"Ah well we seem to be having alot of prank calls today. I see alot of people are making crank calls. But can we please keep to the subject at hand?" Todd said while being scared of apples.

"Nah Toddy I believe this man!" Spider-Guy declares confidently.

"Apples!?" She blurts out and gets scared due to her past trauma from a sorceress turning her to an apple.

"Next caller please! The last thing we need is for Todd to go into the fetal position while sucking her thumb in fear." Spider-Guy assures his cohost as he removes one of his hands she was clutching onto.

"Hello! Can I interest you in a new mattress?" A salesman asked.

"What kind of mattress?" Spider-Guy asks.

"A waterbed matress." The salesman replies in a prideful tone.

"We got a good mattress! Goodbye!" Todd angrily answers back.

"Wait Todd it's a waterbed though...those are the best!" Spider-Guy tries to convince her with optimism.

"We don’t need you blowing out our credit card on another mattress." Todd says.

"We've had the same one since 2003 which was seven years ago. You're just saying that because you get motion sickness." Spider-Guy tells her bluntly.

"Anyway before this turns into a financial debate. Next caller what are your thoughts on the Loch Ness Monster?" Todd immediately interrupts him cutting off any further nonsense about mattresses.

The next person who calls is Captain Sea Salt, he is a pirate captain. "Hello ladies and gentlemen of I Wanna Know Magazine!"

"Talk about the Loch Ness Monster damn you!" Spider-Guy demands.

"Listen here, I am Captain SEA SALT! Now let me talk! Never interrupt a legend like myself!"

"Are you sure we can't get a new mattress?" Spider-Guy asks Todd.

"Our current mattress is fine we don't need a new one!" She insists adamantly.

"We've had it for almost ten years!" Spider-Guy argues back.

Captain Sea Salt keeps talking, "Aye so there I was nailing this busty mermaid!" He proudly proclaims into his phone.

"Mermaids? What the fuck are you talking about? We're talking about the Loch Ness Monster!" Spider-Guy exclaims angrily at Captain Sea Salt.

"Please stay on topic Captain." Todd interjectes between them.

"Yeah Captain, Todd is self conscious about her breast size!" Spider-Guy states.

"Shut up!" Todd yells in annoyance.

"Aye so the Loch Ness Monster owes me tree fiddy! I beat it fair and square in a game of golf!" The bearded sea-man continues to brag.

"Alright! Do you think he’s a space alien or a dinosaur?" Todd asks Captain Sea Salt out of curiosity.

"Aye that's easy! A dinosaur created by illegal aliens!" Captain Sea Salt responds quickly with ease.

Spider-Guy suddenly says, "Space aliens not illegal aliens you drunk seafaring fool!"

"Well at least you're on topic." Todd replies.

"Aye my name is Captain SEA SALT and anybody who talks bad about me shall be dead meat wherever they may roam! Come no further ye scurvy dogs!"

"Okay that's nice...next caller!" Spider-Guy retorts sharply.

"I want your opinions on ancient Egyptian pyramids being built by dinosaurs." Says a man called Ed Woodington.

"No, next caller!" Todd demands.

"I don't know Toddy I think that guy was onto something." Spider-Guys suggests.

"We’ll take it on our next episode. I got his number." She tells him.

"Let's move on to interviews. I'm ready to ask the hard questions!" Spider-Guy states confidently.

"Like how to get a mech?" Todd remarks.

"I think I'll steal one from a supervillain." He answers back.

"Anyway, our first interview is with the Loch Ness Monster's golf caddy. His name is Carl The Golden Caddy." Todd informs Spider-Guy.

"Greetings Carl you're on I Want To Know Magazine!" Spider-Guy says over the landline phone.

"Hi is this What The Shell Pizzeria?" Carl The Golden Caddy asks over the phone.

"No this is I Want To Know Magazine. You’re here for an interview remember?" Todd reminds Carl.

"I thought this was the number for pizza." Carl explains.

"Can we please get a serious caller for once?" Todd snaps in annoyance.

"Damnit Toddy now I want some pizza!" Spider-Guy exclaims dramatically.

"Carl you're here to talk about the Loch Ness Monster remember?" Todd continues.

"Oh right now I do…are you sure this isn’t the pizza parlor?" Carl inquires as he goes off-topic.

"...Dead sure." Todd confirms flatly.

"Carl what's your favorite pizza topping?" Spider-Guy interrupts.

"Will please don’t encourage him!" Todd replies.

"I like to order a large pizza with sausage and mushroom toppings." Carl responds neutrally.

"Those are pretty good choices. My favorite is supreme also known as everything." Spider-Guy states casually.

"Will cut it out or I'm banishing you to the couch for a week!" Todd tells Spider-Guy sternly before returning her attention back on Carl.

"Fine!" Spider-Guy agrees reluctantly so that Todd can get through with their topic of discussion without any interruptions from him.

"Carl, please answer my questions. This is not some pizzeria you’re calling into, this is a podcast! You’re the Lochness Monster’s Golden Caddy, which means you're good at your job. So tell me the truth about him!" Todd demands tactfully yet assertively over speakerphone. She uses hand gestures for emphasis.

"So you're out of sausage?" Carl asks in disappointment.

"Ugh why do I bother?!" Todd says after hitting her face on her desk in frustration.

"So can I continue talking about pizza without you threatening to deny me of sex?" Spider-Guy asks Todd.

"Has anyone seen the...pizza monster?" Carl inquires.

"Good bye Carl." Todd says before cutting him off.

"Oh come on Toddy he had some really good insight on pizza!" Spider-Guy whines.

"We’re not discussing pizza we’re discussing the Loch Ness Monster." Todd fires back bluntly.

"I want to hear more about the pizza monster." Spider-Guy complains.

"…It’s amazing how we’re in business still." Todd announces flatly.

"I say the same thing every morning when I wake up." Spider-Guy quips.

"I guess we owe it to our dedicated fans." Todd adds.

"Yes all the conspiracy theorists and perverts." Spider-Guy responds.

"I have at least ten restraining orders on a few." Todd remarks.

"Those are rookie numbers I was expecting at least one hundred restraining orders. We both know most of our fans just want to sleep with you. I don't think they actually care about any of the things we talk about." Spider-Guy states.

"Not really. But I try to do what we set out to do." Todd retorts.

"You obviously haven't seen the emails that I've seen. All of those erotic drawings of you." A shudder runs down his spine as he thinks about them again for a moment, "Damn weirdos."

"If I ever see them try something funny I’ll zap em." She replies in a deadly serious tone.

"Like whenever you zap your own crotch in bed?" He snarkily asks her. "That reminds me of that one time when we were on vacation at that supposedly haunted house together." Spider-Guy begins reciting an anecdote from one of their many trips together.

"Oh please do tell Will." Todd jokes back sarcastically.

"Alright but only because you asked nicely." Spider-Guy continues.

"I’m all ears." Todd says intrigued by this story.

"We found ourselves in a haunted house known to be inhabited by a vampire. But I never saw anything so I call bullshit." Spider-Guy claims matter of factly.

"That’s because it was just a run-down house with a bad smell." Todd counters.

"Goddamn lack of paranormal activity!" Spider-Guy exclaims while looking up at the ceiling dramatically.

"Hey that’s what you get from getting bad information from a fortune cookie." Todd retorts.

"Don't be silly nobody reads fortune cookies." Spider-Guy waves his hand dismissively towards her comment.

"Says the guy who took dating advice from a fortune cookie."

"Stop spreading lies Toddy I don't read fortune cookies." Spider-Guy declares.

"If you say so Will." Todd says while rolling her eyes.

"Not now Toddy we have another call coming in!" Spider-Guy announces. "Hello caller you're on air with Spider-Guy on I Want To Know Magazine. Who am I speaking with today?"

"Listen here bub! The Loch Ness Monster is real!" A male Australian voice booms over the speaker phone.

"Who is this?" Spider-Guy asks.

"Huge Jack Man!" He replies.

"We're well aware that the Loch Ness Monster is real. We're trying to figure out if it is a dinosaur, an alien, or both." Spider-Guy explains.

"I must be hallucinating there’s no way this guy is staying on topic!" Todd adds.

"Listen bub we all know that the Loch Ness Monster is an alien dinosaur!" Huge Jack Man shouts.

"Yeah? Well I'm gonna need some proof of that!" Spider-Guy demands of Huge Jack Man.

"An alien dinosaur you say? You might be onto something Mr. Jack Man." Todd says.

"Listen here bub nobody questions me! Question me again and I'll stab you in the face!" Huge Jack Man says to Spider-Guy.

"Someone has anger issues." Todd remarks.

"Cut it out Todd you're just going to make him even angrier." Spider-Guy warns.

"Alright then. Anything else you would like to share about the Loch Ness Monster? Do you think he’s trying to take over the world?" Todd asked Huge Jack Man.

"The Loch Ness Monster isn't taking anything! It's a free country." Huge Jack Man says.

"Bullshit! I know he’s trying to take over the world so that he can force people to eat nachos instead of tacos!" Todd exclaims.

"Toddy you can't even eat tacos they screw up your stomach whenever you do." Spider-Guy tells her.

"Tacos still rule Will!" Todd protests.

"Todd did I tell you about when talking dinosaurs ruled the Earth, stocks weren't traded electronically via computers yet. Because talking dinosaurs couldn't use electronics obviously. But the stock market was ruled by talking dinosaurs back in the day." Spider-Guy recalls to his cohost.

"Don’t be silly Will. Everyone knows Dinosaurs are too stupid to use stocks!" Todd scoffs at Spider-Guy's claims.

"So what? Talking T-Rexes bought and sold shares! They were better investors than Wall Street!" Spider-Guy insists.

"We had two financial crashes because of them!" Todd states.

"Well everyone makes mistakes." Spider-Guy shrugs.

"Millions of people are still out of work because of their stupidity." Todd reminds him.

"Everybody deserves second chances!" Spider-Guy declares.

"So you’re ready to give the villains we faced before a second chance if they decided to turn over a new leaf?" Todd asks.

"I was talking about the dinosaurs." Spider-Guy says.

"That’s not what I heard." Todd replies.

"That’s what I heard." Spider-Guy says.

"Uh no you said everyone deserves a second chance." Todd corrects.

"Just the dinosaurs. They were good with the stock market." Spider-Guy admits.

"Anyway is Mr. Huge Jack Man still on?" Todd asked.

"Hell no he hung up ages ago. Probably because of your constant rambling." Spider-Guy tells her.

"Very funny." Todd rolls eyes.

"I'm being serious. I blame you." Spider-Guy continues.

"Anyway next caller." Todd cuts off the conversation.

"Nah I want to talk about stock market dinosaurs or talking unicorns." Spider-Guy responds.

"The stock market is boring, and when were you a into unicorns?" Todd scoffs at her cohost.

"Talking unicorns run the casinos I'll have you know." Spider-Guy retorts.

"Didn’t you say casinos are run by lizard people?" Todd questions.

"Don't be silly Toddy it's unicorns not lizard people. Get with the times old timer! Don't you know that the unicorn mafia runs all the casinos in Las Vegas?" Spider-Guy explains.

"Do you have proof that it’s not the lizard people?!" Todd demands.

"Yes because Lizard people only live in Asia...duh!" Spider-Guy states.

"No I've seen reports of them going global?" Todd argues back.

"Fake news! Lizard people only exist in Asia!" Spider-Guy insists.

"But viewers in Europe have seen the lizard people!" Todd points out.

"All fake media lies." Spider-Guy says confidently.

"And you don’t think it’s worth investigating these claims?" Todd asks.

"Hell no! They're just trying to get clicks from morons like me. For the last time Lizard people only live in Asia!" Spider-Guy tells his roommate.

"Okay anyway, I wonder what our viewers think of dinosaurs controlling the stock market? We should check out our Harmony server." Todd suggests.

"What is Harmony?" Spider-Guy wonders.

"Harmony is a VoIP and instant messaging social platform. Users have the ability to communicate with voice calls, video calls, text messaging, media and files in private chats or as part of communities called "servers". A server is a collection of persistent chat rooms and voice channels which can be accessed via invite links." Todd explains.

"Why would anybody use that when they could call up someone on the phone?" Spider-Guy questions.

"Because we're in the future old man! Not the nineteen hundreds anymore!" Todd replies.

"Well isn't it more expensive than calling somebody over their cell phones?" Spider-Guy adds.

"It's free! It has been since its inception in 2000." Todd states.

"That was ten years ago! Who uses Harmony now? It's a damn fossil!" Spider-Guy continues on.

"Millions of people along with a good portion of our listeners. Must you complain about everything?" Todd asks.

"I always complain you know this. I've been complaining since we first met! You should be used to this by now. Besides it's nowhere near as bad as when you complain." Spider-Guy points out.

"Oh yeah? How so? Because all my complaints are valid!" Todd argues.

"Toddy you always complain when we have sex." Spider-Guy says.

"You're TOO big for me! Your dick hurts too much down there. I keep telling you to only stick the tip in! But then you stick the whole thing inside of me!" Todd says while pointing her finger angrily at him.

"Hey come on Toddy! I make it up to you afterwards when we cuddle. I hold you in my arms while rubbing and caressing your vagina with oils and lotions. That way the pain goes away." Spider-Guy tells Todd.

"Anyways back on topic! We should check our viewers' thoughts. Maybe they have something interesting to say," Todd suggests.

"Who do you think would win in a fight? Loch Ness Monster or Bigfoot? I say Bigfoot!" Spider-Guy exclaims.

"Some people are saying Loch Ness because Bigfoot can’t swim." Todd replies.

"Bigfoot can totally swim he lives in the forest! He was a swimming gold medalist champion. Back during his college days!" Spider-Guy claims.

"You know Will as much as I'd love to go more into this It’s almost time to end our live session. And I’m hungry as hell! It’s time we wrap it up." Todd states.

"Fine we can go get pizza." Spider-Guy agrees. "What toppings?"

"I want Pepperoni with sausage! You? What's yours gonna be?" Todd asks Spider-Guy.

"Everything." Spider-Guy answers without hesitation.

"Uh…That’s gonna be triple the price you know right?" Todd says with concern.

"Fine! I'll just share with you then." Spider-Guy decides.

"Good decision Will. Let’s go get a big slice!" Todd cheers.

They both leave their apartment and head down the street towards an Italian restaurant called What The Shell Pizzeria while holding hands.

End of Chapter...