I like you, may I have a chance?

The moment I realized I like girls

By TunxyPublished 4 years ago • 8 min read

“She is so lovely”

I thought to myself while holding hands with my at-that-time boyfriend.

It just happened like that, all the thoughts fleeting through my head, questioning my identity.

Merely a 13-year-old kid, I had a small crush on a guy sitting next to me: he’s noisy, loud, and impolite to the extreme, but I enjoyed talking with him. Or at least that's what I believed after my self-acclaimed-love-expert best friend, who was also just 13, said I might like him when she caught me laughing with him secretly in class. I accepted it.

Me and the guy dated when we became 10th graders. It was normal, there was no fluffy feeling or tingling in my heart like many other girls said. We came to class together sometimes, then talked for 2 minutes during break, and that was it. Dating is not that special after all.

The guy joined clubs and sports, so he needed to go to school during summer for practice. And I, his girlfriend, have a role to go there to cheer and support him. Thinking back, which bastard told me to do that, it was tiring and the weather was super humid and he did not care about me at all, I felt like a bother.

One time, I sat on a little chair waiting for the guy to finish his practice as usual, and suddenly a beautiful girl started striding toward me from the entrance of the school. Striding might be what some think, but for me she was elegantly walking, and my heart started to beat. A type of heartbeat that’s different than presenting in front of the school, different than waiting in the ER, different than being shouted at by a weird and scary stranger, the type that I couldn’t understand.

“I want her to notice me”

She sat just one meter away from me, back leaning against the warm surface of our school’s ancient tree’s pot. She had a defined posture, pinkish lips mumbling to the lyrics of the song she was listening to, eyes slightly closed due to the brightness of the sun, shoulder-length hair as black as a raven that was softly blowed by the wind, her hands set still on her lap, fingers tapping to the rhythm of the song. She was, at least to me, powerful, breath-taking, and a piece of art.

Maybe she caught me staring, she turned, with a bright smile, saying hi to me. I froze for 5 seconds, then embarrassingly nodded at her and diverted my attention.

30 minutes passed, she stood up, ready to go.

“Wait, damn, she’s leaving”

She kept walking, didn’t even lay an eye back, her figure became smaller and smaller, so did my heart. I was scared, didn’t know why, but I did know that if I lost her at that time, I would never ever have a chance to see her again. I was scared. It was funny, I didn’t know who she was, how old she was, which school she studied at, why she was at my school during this ridiculous hot day, did she have a partner, but I knew that I wanted to, to know her, and everything about her.

I got up and sprinted toward her, like a damn rabbit running to save its life from a panther, leaving the guy with confusion behind. I tapped her shoulder, breathing heavily as I tried to catch my breath from running.

“What do I do now? Why... What should I even say to her?”

“Hi! Uhm, sorry for scaring you out, uhm… I happen to notice you over there, and I think you are pretty, I couldn’t take my eyes off you… Sorry sorry I don’t mean it in a creepy way. Oh god what am I even saying.”

She giggled. And I blushed, I could feel it, my face became warmer.

“So what I’m trying to say is, I really want to get to know you, can I be lucky enough to have your phone number?”

I got it, the 10 digits appeared on my screen, I was so happy that I just wanted to scream out loud. I think that was the first time I ever felt that way, happy, and a feeling of achievement. I walked with her out of the school, waited until she completely disappeared from my eyesight then turned back to talk to the guy. Now, I was the one who was confused.

“Wait a second, what was that? Why did I, to her? No damn way, I’m a girl, and so does she, there’s no way… Maybe, yes, there's a way?”

I ignored the guy for the rest of the day, lost in my thoughts.

“Am I lesbian? Like those girls? Or is it just, maybe I just want to be friends with her...Hmm...”

I opened my phone, find the 10 digits that I had memorized to the point I could read it backward:

“Good evening, I’m the girl who asked for your number this morning.”

“Yes, I remembered!”

“How are you? Is it a good time for me to talk to you?”

“I’m doing great, thank you.”

“Of course, I’m just laying in my bed right now.”

“May I ask for your name? I’m Thanh Như.”

“I’m AT.”

“That’s a pretty name, just like the person itself.”

“Hahaa, thank you, I appreciate that!”

“No really, I mean it.”

….

“Oh shoot it’s already 11.”

“Woah, we really did talked for 2 hours straight.”

“Did I waste your time? I’m sorry.”

“No, no definitely not, I enjoyed talking to you, it was a fun 2 hours for me.”

“I’m glad, you should head to sleep soon, I enjoyed our talk too, sleep well, sweet dream.”

“Thank you, you too!”

***

“You seem happier these days” said the guy. “I do?” Maybe I am, I had been hanging out with AT, and we frequently video chatted with each other too.

“You think so?” I asked, smiling to myself.

"She had become the source of my energy"

***

After a few months getting to know her, we were closer, I would say we were close friends. We loved to go to the cafe shop, where they had a whole wall of books that we could choose from. We loved going to the pet store’s playing hour where she would play with all the tarantulas and snakes and dragons and I was there surrounded by little bunnies. We loved walking through the long street at the center of the city while sweat was rolling down our backs. We loved going to the movie theater where she could buy a bag of popcorn and… nothing else, she just loved the theater’s popcorn. And I, myself, loved it when she tied my hair so I could eat my ice cream without worrying about it sticking all over the place.

I was 16, about to become 17. She was 18, the age where you go out of the kid's world and prepare to be a fully adult.

***

I stared at my phone, looking at the picture she sent me. She was in a sexy 2 piece swimsuit, laughing and splashing water under the crimson colored sky.

“She is so lovely”

I thought to myself while holding hands with the guy. We were on a date.

***

I missed her, she was on a vacation with her family, and I kept thinking about her. “Why is she so important to me like this?” I held my face and chuckled, because I’d known, I was aware of the feeling I had for her, and I was just deceiving myself, and her too, so that we could be together longer.

***

She told me, there was a boy in her grade who confessed to her, and that he’s cute and asked her out for a date. Funny! Obviously no, I hated that, but how could I bring myself to tell her, hell yeah we were close, but what type of friend would stop you from having a relationship?

“Hey... can you say no?”

“Why? What’s wrong?”

“Oh, no, nothing, hope you have fun, not too much fun because you left me here alone.”

“Hahaa I’ll buy you some donuts, alright?”

“Acceptable”

***

I asked about her date, and she grinned at me. Ugh she didn’t know how much I wanted to hug her whenever she did that.

“I had more fun than I thought”

I didn't even know what to say. The freak did that mean. I remembered going home super upset and felt like crying. I knew she was interested in him, even just a little, just some curiosity, but at least there was something. I knew I needed to do something, to make her realize. I knew I had to choose between pain and more pain. I ate some donuts that she promised to buy. "Bitter"