I Finally Found It

It’s an odd sensation to have the memory of childhood, feeling as though the whole world is in front of you, while simultaneously struggling with the inability to ever actually experience that feeling again. One day you’re dreaming about everything you could be, then suddenly you’re in your twenties wondering how you got here and what the hell you’re going to do next with your life. It seems like friends and colleagues alike are just going through the motions and nobody seems to really be feeling anything anymore. We wake up, go to work, come home, go to sleep, repeat. Some of us have days off, others are pulling double shifts just to survive. We’re all stuck in this mundane routine but nobody seems to be asking “why” or challenging the way of things. Except for me.

After taking the morning to sit on these thoughts, it was time for me to put my scrubs on and leave for my job at the university hospital. I took another second to look out my bedroom window at the gloomy day outside. I tried to appreciate the beauty of it but couldn’t help but notice the other early morning commuters already piling up and decided to just grab my jacket and be on my way. Maybe I’m just exhausted...after all, I have been working overtime for the past six days in a row to help out with coverage and I wouldn't be surprised if I'm slightly sleep deprived. Knowing that I finally have the next couple of days off helped give me the power to get through the day and make my rounds, but I still decided that it was time for me to take some real time off work to break the boring cycle that I keep finding myself in. Trying my luck, I put in a request for the next couple of weeks off before I clocked out for the evening. While driving back home in a consistent sea of red and white lights from the stop and go of everyday traffic, I thought of things I could possibly do with some time off to get me out of this funk that I’ve been in. I debated spending my money and time on trivial things like a shopping spree or a luxurious hotel getaway, but neither of those appealed to me nor did they seem like a plausible permanent fix to my ongoing struggle. After what should have been (ideally) a thirty-minute drive but took an hour and fifteen minutes, I finally arrived back to the comfort of my home.

In an attempt to clear my head, I decided to go for a jog through my neighborhood. It was oddly serene; a storm had passed earlier in the day leaving the world looking all the more vibrant and crisp, accompanied by the smell of wet pavement from a miracle rain, seeing as though we don’t usually see this it fall during this time of year. As I ran, I concentrated on my feet. The feel of the concrete beneath my soles as one foot springs forward, followed by the next, all to get me front point A to point B. The physiology of our bodies has always brought me peace. There's something to knowing you're essentially a well-oiled machine if you eat healthily and exercise regularly. The mind is delicate and abstract in comparison, and a much harder concept to grasp. As I arrived back at my front doorstep, I silently wished the universe would send me a sign of what to do next. Bringing myself back to the present, I brewed myself a cup of chamomile tea, popped some melatonin, and called it a night in hopes that a decent night of sleep would do me some good.

In all honestly, I woke up the next day feeling refreshed and in a much lighter mood. I decided to make myself some coffee to get the day going when the doorbell rang and caught me off guard. I approached the door still in my pajamas and cautiously opened it for fear of someone seeing my current attire. I then remembered that we live in a corporate world and none of my neighbors would even be around to see me due to their regular nine to fives and swung open the door, grabbed the brown paper box on my welcome mat, and hopped back inside. I couldn't remember placing an order for anything and found it strange that there was no return address or label on this package but I only sat in the anxiety of it for a few more seconds before curiosity wore me down. The next thing I know, I'm rummaging around everywhere for something to break the seals on this box. After enhancing the mess of many drawers, I came across a pocket knife that seemed to do the trick. I couldn't help but feel a little bit nervous and excited, something out of the norm. I took a deep breath, placed both hands on the box, and opened it slowly. Quicker than I could even begin to understand what was happening, I was hit the most euphoric sensation of goosebumps and suddenly, everything was different.