I Am Every Woman

As a woman I often wonder how different my goals, dreams and reality would align if I were a man. You can't is merely an adjective to describe women. It is not a fact that we actually can not. It is the suggestion that a woman "should not" be doing these things. My mother told me her parents shunned her from going into the military. "It is no place for women" her mother would tell her as a girl. Equality is what some women want but fairness is all we need.

I sat on the stoop thinking about all of the great things women could have done if they were allowed. How amazing we are, how amazing our bodies are, and how amazing our love is. I sit here thinking about women as a whole. How unique and diverse we are and how the loss of one woman's soul has me thinking about all women kind. Yea, I just lost my mother 2 hours ago. She was every woman to me. Loving me through the struggle and insecurities. Building up others even when broken inside. "Confidence looks good on you" she would tell me, after telling me to hold my head up. "Why are you afraid of speaking up?", she would ask me when she sent me to ask for something. She expected me to speak up for myself, and others. She expected many things out of me that I couldn't even understand to expect for myself. I sat on the stoop wishing for more time. Wishing for a better goodbye, hoping that my own soul didn't die. I sat there and by nightfall my husband came to pull me up from the stoop.

Women come as wide of an array of characters as men, however their rolls are judged differently. The next day my aunt pulls up to the house. "I came as quick as I could" she said rushing in the door. She was my mom's only sister and she ran straight to me and collapsed in my arms. Aunt Tes was the wild one but my mom was always along for the ride. "Oh babygirl, I'm so sorry", she said as she came back to her feet. Aunt Tes was a sure rebel. Married and divorced she ate men and spat them out for dinner. Most women didn't like her, and many men couldn't get her or keep her. She was stylish and fun, she didn't care what people thought of her, and most of all she made her own money and lots of it. Although I idolized my aunt's mannerisms, she was always the exception to the rules my mother held so firmly on me.

Rules ha! All rules have clauses, but it all comes down to who the judge is. A few days have passed and I'm not sure about life or anything else. I called for my daughters, Mia and Micha. I yelled from the steps but no answer. I call again, still no answer or movement. Overwhelmed with emptiness I collapse to the floor, hurt and alone. Who's going to remind me I had a smart mouth, or what I struggled with in school, or what things I didn't like, to make raising my daughters a little easier? No one is ever going to be in my corner like my mom. I was a mess! I was also bothered with thoughts of what kind of motherless woman I would become.

Sitting in a puddle of tears Mia appears before me. She hands me a marigold flower. "Where on earth did you find these?" I said, as she smiled at me. "Marigolds don't grow here" I said confused about what adventure I must had missed with my girls. Mia sat beside me on the floor. "I got it from the back yard", she said. I rose to my feet and smelled the flower. It was real and I couldn't understand what Mia was talking about. I rush to the back and there before my eyes is a field of marigolds. My mother had planted them years ago but they never sprouted. I stood there in awe as my face lit up. I ran to the flowers and began to speak. I love you so much! Where have you been!? Look at you, so beautiful and full. So bright and strong. I look up to see Aunt Tes in the doorway. Maybe you should take some for tomorrow, she said with a smile.

The next day I cut some of the flowers to take to my mother's homegoing. I needed a reaction, I needed her to smile and tell me all about them. I still needed her. But now I'm thinking about the flowers. How they didn't grow when I wanted them, but when I needed them. How I was able to have joy in something my mother planted so long ago. As a woman and a mom, I won't be here forever but I will sure make it count. I will leave my mark and highlight other women who left theirs. I will inspire women and uplift them. I will see every woman, I will be every woman. It still will not be enough, but we will know we are enough.