I am Bexley

Have you ever been so exhausted that you want to cry but you can’t, and so tired you can’t sleep but instead you’re just overwhelmingly nauseous? How about so un-dead that you don’t realize when you’ve slipped into a catatonic state?

My memories of the past are like still water at times, dead and alive at the same time, like me. I would affirm my own strange feelings about who I was with my husband, Stan. I would tell him that my name is Bexley, that I was here with him, and that he was mine. He would in turn say his name, and repeat what I said back to me. This is so we don’t forget.

He understands what it’s like to be a human and a zombie. I was also a human, once. My parents, who were human once, were still human when my mom was pregnant. They got turned, before I was born. When I was born, I was a human but slowly turned into a zombie. My whole existence of life and undeath is a complicated one.

I used to have visions in my catatonic states of being a newly formed creature of youth, blood and humanity. A blossoming woman with a radiant glow.

Well, today, we got ambushed by zombies. I was shocked. Zombies don’t usually attack anyone! Or so I thought. I’m starting to suspect that zombies can be as dangerous as Bloodletters or people. Just as we were fighting them off, the same group of Bloodletters came and took two of our group, India and Serena. This absolutely destroyed Emma. She was fighting with all her might to not let India be taken as well as Serena. She was sobbing for so long as we tried to regroup, give her our empathy and trying our best to move forward to get our friends back. It hurt all of us to see them be taken.

Of course, we are trailing them the best we can. Some of us were injured in the fight. Hudson is looking more and more desperate and depressed to get to South Dakota but he said, “We must all go there together, and we all must go home together.”

I try to remember that really sweet moments with my husband before we all departed to South Dakota.

Stan with his beautiful brown eyes, kissing my lips. It’s so nice that we can kiss now without fear.

“Bexley, it’s like I first discovered a new sense once you entered my life. As though all my human senses were gone, and now I realized I could see, hear, smell and feel something beyond beautiful. I know we’re about to go on this journey together once again. It’ll be hard. But with you, anything will be possible and worth it. We’ve been married for six months now,” he touches my face and caresses my neck. “It’s been the best time of my life, undead and living. I know zombies forget about time, how it feels and how it is related to our lives, but it means a lot to me.” He brings out a small plastic box and hands it to me. “Happy Anniversary, Bexley.”

I feel my heart swell, and I jump up, almost tripping in my excitement, “Stan, I love you! I am so proud of you. But,” I sign haphazardly as I almost drop the present, “I am not sure what an anniversary is…”

Stan growls in a sort of laughing way, signing, “It just means a date to mark how long we’ve been together. Well, married. We’ve been together way before that. It’s so we can celebrate our relationship.”

I feel so happy I kiss his lips and face all over. “I can’t wait to see what you got me!”

Stan looks so handsome and glowing after my affection. I open the box with some difficulty. It looks like a set of paints.

I look at Stan and he signs, “I made these set of paints for you. They are all the different shades of how a sky can appear, with shades of yellow, blue and white. I always noticed that you were frustrated trying to get the colors of the sky right. Because..”

“The sky always looks different everyday…” I signed to finish his statement. He nods, smiling, signing, “Yes! Exactly.”

I keep reminding myself of this as I look at the changing skies, trying to find our stolen friends. Stan is holding my hand and trying to tell me something.

I stop and he points to my face. I touch it and look at my finger.

Hudson audibly gasps, saying, “Bex, what… are you crying?”

I can’t believe it. Am I crying? I feel something inside that feels like a raw mess of hell. It feels so empty and sad and so lonely. Missing my friends. India and Serena. Sad for my friends who are suffering. Sad for Asher, in a coma. For my goddaughter, Shadow and friend Hudson. Our family feels so good yet it hurts because so many of us are suffering.

Stan looks at me and wipes a tear. “Bexley, are you glowing? You’re crying and you’re glowing, my love,” Stan signs in disbelief.

The colors of the sky mix with the color of my tears and my heart, making me feel warm and toasty and dizzy.