How to Survive the Dive

A practical and introductory guide to Surviving the Dive

It has come to this writer’s attention that there is yet no manual for the appropriate etiquette required, to attend a local dive bar in Wisconsin.

It would be a great tragedy to neglect offering the knowledge to the people out there in dire need of this trove of ultra specific do-s, don’ts, and how to act for the best success at each and every one of your trips to any breed of dive bar.

It should be noted that the reader should consider themselves a decent drinker before heading right into a dive bar. I know this is not professional, financial or even health advice, so whether you commit this guide to memory or use is of little concern, as this writer will very likely still find herself unbothered in the corner of a Dive unattended by many. If we are being honest that is my favorite style of Dive anyway.

Dive Bars, if you move in silence and mystery can offer a great deal of anonymity and provide great social cover for the anti-social or neuro-spicy drunk to drink with people just not too many of them at once.

This information is offered freely to those who would benefit, as a public service.

While this guide should appropriately equip even a green and fresh 21 year old on what to do should they find themselves in a Dive Bar. It is still recommended that only seasoned drunks take the dive, where there are far fewer lifeguards.

Nevertheless, I hope this manual provides the reader with some semblance of exactly what they are getting into. The secondary goal is to give the opportunity for the blessed and scorned bartenders of Wisconsin Dive Bars to have even the smallest of reprieves from newbies, out-of-towners, and new recruits. It is important to know what you are doing before you even open the door, and walk in.

Equally important before one even sets foot in a Dive Bar in Wisconsin, one should have a clear definition of what this sort of establishment can look like in the wild.

We can divine a lot about your future experience just from looking at the exterior. Take a moment to assess the Dive’s natural habitat when you arrive.

1.Are there Motorcycle symbols, or parts hanging around outside of the establishment? If yes, this is likely a biker or Harley Dive.

2. Is the establishment named after someone? So and So’s Place, Pub or Tap generally give a good indication who you might find inside. The age of this sign can also help to indicate the median age of patrons, though this is not always the case. Nepotism and all. This is the Legacy Dive.

3. Is beer neon signage brighter than the open sign or main marquee? These signs might be the closest thing this establishment has to a menu. Don’t quote me but more than likely the special is the same beer and shot combo everyday. You are already saving money drinking here, don’t get greedy.

4. Is there even an open sign? If no, this is a Dive that is by request, choice, or venue specific scheduling, of course the bartender might have just forgot to open the door. Due diligence is required if there is a time crunch or transportation issue. Give a knock, someone is there or has been there for sometime or since last night.

5. Is there an activity yard? Volleyball court, horseshoe pits, cornhole spot, some form of jocks are likely drinking inside this place, prepare mentally for this experience. This is the Sports Dive.

6. Is there a parking lot? If yes, consider there is a reason for this, then consider taking a ride home from an UBER or LYFT and coming back for your car tomorrow if you should happen to lose too many games of bar dice to count.

7. Has this establishment been built into a house, old storefront, or stand alone with a parking lot and standing sign? This question is tantamount to the experience you are about to have, for good or for bad. Know that if you are walking into a Dive Bar built into a home or old storefront there are good odds this may actually be the best place you have ever been to. Disclaimer: The chance is low but not zero that this could be the worst place you have ever been to.

8. If the answer to 7 is stand alone with parking lot and a standing sign, is that sign still standing? If no, be prepared to identify the car that knocked it and avoid parking near that guy altogether.

9. Don’t judge a book entirely by its cover. After all, you are only pulling up at any old dive bar because you want a beer and a shot. So go ahead and just get your stuff, including your cash, ID, debit card and smokes; shove them in your parka pockets and get in there for a little firewater to warm up just like the next guy. It is the dead of Winter afterall. Summer Dive Bar is another monster that will not be addressed in this introductory manual of ettiquette.

There are certainly a few different breeds of Dive Bar here in this state. As you can tell from the questions above you can already identify the sports dive, the motorcycle dive, the stand alone dive, and the legacy dive.

When we consider the rural Dive Bars in the Western wilds of the State, there are also different customs, local culture, and etiquette that should be studied and adhered to. These Dives generally have differing activities and games that one can participate in while they throw back a few with their good pals. Some of the more remote establishments even offer services for the outdoorsman which can include ATV and Snowmobile parking.

Nothing says operating while intoxicated like taking the short cut through the woods and over the frozen lake at 1:30 in the morning, when the Packers lose to the Bears in a Wild Card game for the first time since 1941. Rural dives require agility, and a more than moderate spacial awareness while intoxicated, and/or a willingness to die in the wild should you lose your way like this Packer’s season. Ya’ know?

Since this is an introductory level manual it is important we do not put the horse before the cart, which actually seems to be the correct order in which both Horse and Cart be arranged, regardless of the logistics on the equestrian front, we will skim over the rural Dive in this manual. These bars are immediately lumped into the category of Professional or Expert Level Dives. After all, no one want’s their ass kicked or handed to them by someone’s dog housed Uncle Steve, especially on Aunt Sally’s crochet circle night. None involved will leave happy and honestly it ruins the joint for your future and not Uncle Steve. Be warned he has been kicking ass at that bar since the drinking age was 18 in this country.

Dive Bars also come in all sorts of sizes and various states of disarray, decay, or suspicious ambient aroma.

Metropolitan Dives are categorized differently based on one’s personal preferences combined with the scores on the three metrics above divided by the overall indifference toward where, from whom, and in what style you wish that sweet sweet alcohol gets served to you.

Word to the wise most Dive Bars prefer to serve you spirits straight-up and beers right out of the cooler or on the tap. These are not the bars you find blender drinks, you will not find margaritas, and in some instances the only fruit available for your cocktail will be cocktail onions and pickled eggs with a lemon slice.

In short, your simplest alcohol fix is why you are soon to be in this place and efficiency matters. There is no time in a Dive Bar for toying with that poor bartender to make you and your friends Lemon Drops for Jenny’s 21st birthday, this is not that place, we aren’t singing to you Jenny drink your shot in the traditional way and mind the walkway with your sick if you have in fact decided to spend your 21st birthday getting tortured at a Dive Bar.

Some Dive bars have activities, others have kitchens and still others are just small barrooms or what we call “a hole in the wall”. Tiny establishments meant only for the sole purpose of connecting the alcohol with the drinker. A hole in the wall (HITW) is absolutely expert level, and should be entered with caution until you can establish your own personal territory within the confines. choosing your shift at the HITW Dive is also important. The bartender, the regulars, the tunes and the availability to use any of the activities you would like to decompress are all factors to think about when choosing your shift, in addition of course to your work schedule. What do you think this is, a room of total degenerates?

Most of these establishments have what we in the industry call regulars. Those tried and true patrons that good day or bad day saddle up to their spot at the bar for that PBR and Tully shot $5 special, putting in longer shifts than the actual employees.

It is important that you respect these patrons because without them you would have been out in the cold with nowhere to drink. The lights are on because of Bob’s tireless work in this place for years chugging down the MGD so the keg doesn’t sour. This is not the place for the ungrateful young buck that would take a peaceful experience of drinking with your local mail carrier for granted. Your respect for this style of elder is important, unless of course you are planning on paying $20 for a fruity mixer of diabetes at the boujee bars elsewhere. No one, particularly Bob is sad not to see you.

Regular customers. The bread and butter. They are also the ultimate arbiters to your future at any given Dive Bar as a prospective regular. It takes less effort for someone who doesn’t like you to trash your reputation than it will take you to convince people who are drunk that you are not what they have heard.

If you have come this far in this manual, that means you have given some serious thought to whether or not you should be walking into this seedy looking bar you have been sitting outside of for the last 10 minutes.

Let’s get in there kid, adult, kid. First things first, did you double check you have your wallet, cash, debit card and ID? Did you grab your smokey treats or any other vice you plan to have handy for your Dive Bar time?

The following steps are the most important to follow for your success at the Dive Bar.

1. Get your ID out. This is your first time here, your bartender does not know you and honestly even if you look 21, just show it every time you walk in until the bartender either addresses you by your name or your usual order. You could be a cop or a dummy with a fake ID. Not a risk any bartender really cares to take, not for you, not for nobody, copper.

2. Consistency is key, order the same thing every time for your shift at the Dive because you are an adult and a healthy relationship with alcohol does not look like you switching it up on your body and drinking out of order, this will result in terrible hangovers, many moments of turning stomachs, public humiliation, plus it is frankly pretty commonly annoying to the bartender. Drink what you drink, make a commitment. If you know your emotions get out of hand when you drink Tequila, grow up and find a different drink that doesn’t send you right into a rage filled and sloppy intoxication.

3. Never forget “Beer before liquor never been sicker, liquor before beer you are in the clear” While this common sense is not taught in high school chemistry or even college classes, in Wisconsin we play hopscotch to this rhyme in our tender years. Unfortunately, youngster, all you may know is that this booze will turn to sugar, despite this fact your brain knows also potatoes and bread will help you to avoid the Drunk Drunk stage of the night. Guess what? This is a Dive Bar. There are no potatoes or bread training wheels here, eat first and mind your consumption, the bartender certainly is. Also consider picking a Dive with a kitchen or pizza oven if you should find yourself getting in the category of too drunk to function without food at the Dive.

4. Be prepared to pay with cash, Uncle Randy has owned this bar since 1976, we don’t take cards, tap to pay or transfer apps, we take CASH and Uncle Randy’s ATM over in the corner with cobwebs has a $5.00 fee just to use it, been there since 2006 and still has less than 200 transactions run. If we do take card you are in luck and can use that cash you brought in for a stack of pull tabs, a few spins on the “not a slot, slot machine” or on Shake of the Day

5. For the love of all that might have once been holy, if there is anything that you read in this guide that you commit to your memory, please take inventory here well. What sensory experience is that Dive Bar bathroom providing? Find this out during or after your first drink, this shall be a fine litmus test to whether you are ordering another drink, and/ or using that restroom again. This may even determine if you are attending this bar ever again. This is particularly important for our lady readers, the women’s room should not smell like a urinal cake, if it does, this is a red flag and decisions about your whereabouts and life choices should really come into play here. You are better than that broken smelly toilet Julie.

6. Great news, if that bathroom passed the test, try and find a seat at this bar and send a dollar straight across the bar to play a little Shake of the Day. Listen to the Bartender for the rules and if you are lucky as heck you are walking out of this place with more money than you walked in with, free drinks, or you just paid your tithe to the Dive. Better luck next time.

7. If you want to play bar dice make sure that those you are playing with are consenting to play, and also remember that not everyone wants to just play dice with you. They are in need of beating this bar to get an on-the-house shot and that is not your business. Wait your turn. Also always listen to the bartender when you are shooting dice for the rules of that establishment, otherwise you may end up buying a few more shots than you planned to.

8. Be aware if there are other games that seem similar to under the table gambling, they aren’t. fullstop. It is just helpful to have cash if you are trying to have a little fun and pass the time with your friends playing kind hearted good sport games like shut the box, or punch box, for a couple of bucks.

9. It is important to keep an open mind about your Dive Bar exploits and debachery. After all, this is meant to be a good time and not a nightmare. Your first few times in the same Dive you should definitely establish your corner of the place, and try not to talk anyone’s ears off

10. This last gem is for everyone and should be heeded well in all parts:

A) Healthy Relationships can enter a Dive Bar unencumbered and will generally fair well.

B) Healthy Relationships does not a Dive Bar make, take off the booze goggles. (Your dog is at home waiting for you to make good decisions)

C) Booze made that person approach you, lovebomb, and future fake with you for a while to escape their own misery and distract you from yours. *Drinking with your emotions is not healthy and no one is here to judge you, just anticipate the trouble that comes with hurt people who hurt people, hurting people. (These people can sometimes be found in the wild of a Dive Bar of any breed.)

D) Just because your Drunkle found his soulmate at his local watering hole does not mean you will find yours in the same circumstances. A small grain of salt and a quick glance at the numbers let’s you know you’re more likely to get hit by lightning.

E) The lesson here is even if you go a little crazy at the Dive Bar tonight, it is imperative that you first choose yourself and then get home safe. Be friendly but always play your cards close these people do not know you no matter how often you come to this bar, and most are not interested or emotionally available to build a good foundation with. Protect and choose yourself.

I would like to sincerely thank you for taking the time to educate yourself on the intricate and eloquent etiquette required to attend several breeds of Dive Bar in Wisconsin.

We are all looking forward to you testing the waters and leveling up your Dive bar game. Best of luck in your pursuit of professional and expert level dives over time. Cheers.