How to Survive in an ’80s Horror Movie

If you are reading this, congratulations. You are either incredibly lucky, deeply cautious, or already suspicious enough to know that something is very wrong.

I won’t sugarcoat it: if you’ve found yourself inside a 1980s horror movie, the odds are not in your favor. The hair is big, the lighting is terrible, and everyone keeps making decisions that suggest they actively want to die. Fortunately, survival is possible—if you follow the rules.

These instructions are not theoretical. They are not based on optimism. They exist because someone, somewhere, ignored them and paid the price.

Please read carefully.

Rule 1: Decline Certain Invitations Immediately

If you are the only Black person invited on a weekend trip with a group of white kids to a remote location—decline.

Do not hesitate. Do not negotiate. Do not let anyone say, “Come on, it’ll be fun.” It won’t.

The correct response is a confident, well-enunciated “Hell no.”

This is not rudeness. This is survival.

Rule 2: Keep All Sexual Activity Indoors and Postpone as Needed

The woods are not romantic. They are a staging area for death.

If you sneak away to have sex outdoors, especially at night, you will be killed—often mid-thrust and almost always by a sharp object. Machetes are common. So are pitchforks. Sometimes it’s a hook, which feels unnecessarily personal.

You can wait. I promise.

Rule 3: Investigate Your Town’s History Before Getting Comfortable

If your parents—or anyone else in town—once burned a “troubled local” alive, stabbed him, drowned him, or locked him in a well, you should not unpack.

It does not matter how charming the town seems now. It does not matter that everyone smiles too much. Rage like that has excellent memory.

Relocate immediately. A study-abroad program is ideal. If that’s not possible, consider anywhere with reliable public transportation and no folklore.

Rule 4: Babysitting Is a High-Risk Occupation

Before agreeing to babysit, perform the following checks:

Has anyone escaped from the local mental institution recently?

Is it Halloween?

Does the house have long hallways, creaky stairs, or a landline phone?

If the answer to any of these is yes, cancel.

If the caller says, “The children are already asleep,” hang up. They are lying.

Rule 5: Research Real Estate Thoroughly

Dream houses are suspicious by nature.

Before purchasing property, confirm that it was not built on:

• A cemetery

• A burial ground

• Sacred land

• “Forgotten” land

• Land no one wants to talk about

If neighbors avoid eye contact when you ask questions, move on.

Rule 6: Do Not Tempt the Antichrist

If your child’s due date is 06/06/06, reschedule if at all possible.

Medicine is advanced. Doctors are flexible. Fate is petty.

Also, forget the name Damien. You’re not clever. You’re inviting trouble.

Rule 7: Do Not Stop in Towns Without Adults

If you drive into a town surrounded by cornfields and notice there are no adults—only children staring too calmly—do not stop.

Do not ask for directions. Do not investigate the church. Do not question the chanting.

If something hits your car, keep driving.

This is the rare situation where a hit-and-run may save your life.

Rule 8: Avoid Sleepaway Summer Camps Entirely

Summer camps combine isolation, minimal supervision, and teenage confidence. This is a lethal mix.

If someone insists camp “is totally different now,” they are wrong.

Summer school may damage your social life, but it will not involve an axe.

Rule 9: Respond Immediately to Non-Diegetic Music

If you hear eerie music—violins shrieking, piano keys plinking ominously, low droning sounds—run.

Do not look around. Do not whisper, “Did you hear that?”

The music is not for you. It is for the audience.

And the audience knows what’s coming.

Rule 10: Never Say “I’ll Be Right Back”

This phrase is a verbal death wish.

If you say it, you will not return. You will be found later—off-screen, poorly lit, and remembered only briefly.

If you must leave a room, do so silently and without announcing your intentions.

Final Procedure: Confirm the Kill Properly

If you manage to shoot, stab, electrocute, or otherwise incapacitate the killer, do not stand near the body.

Do not remove your weapon.

Do not sigh with relief.

Do not assume it’s over.

If the killer still has a head, it isn’t over.

Headless killers rarely return for sequels. Plan accordingly.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

If you follow these rules, you may survive.

You may even walk into the sunrise, exhausted but alive.

And if you don’t—well.

Someone else will write the next manual.