How to Raise an Alien

Congratulations, you were selected to care for one alien for the rest of your life! Once your alien arrives you will have zero downtime, so we strongly advise you to take a few weeks to prepare — file your taxes, stock your pantry, and eat at the restaurants you won't visit in a decade. Be assured, you will love your little extraterrestrial fiercely and be willing to sacrifice your last remnants of freedom to raise it, even as you count down the years until you can send it off to college.

Your alien’s primary aspiration will be to obtain unhealthy/impractical items (e.g., ice cream, sparkly objects, and Robux). After receiving these items, your alien will exhibit extreme excitement for two minutes to three hours, then promptly lose interest. Therefore, reserve these items for emergency use only — bribery for doctor’s visits, the six-hour car ride to your third cousin’s wedding, or shutting the hell up. Please note, you will need a steady job to support this expensive addition to your family, all the while feeling guilty that you are not spending sufficient time with your alien.

Aliens require ample love and attention. While they often reciprocate this affection, they may also scream that they hate you and hope you’re abducted to planet Zarca. Even in the face of such vehemence you must maintain steadfast patience and empathy (time to fill those prescriptions for Prozac and Xanax). Be prepared for extreme frustration and exhaustion from the daily effort of trying to stop your alien from pursuing infuriating and dangerous pursuits (e.g., sticking fingers in sockets, screaming like a banshee, and turning everyday objects into weapons) and convincing your alien to engage in activities it despises (e.g., getting in a car seat, eating vegetables, and wiping its own arse).

Your alien will possess a sense of wonder toward ordinary objects. This can be inspiring and help you see the world anew. Unfortunately, a side effect of this zest for life is an ungodly early wake up time. In addition, aliens despise going to bed but require 10–12 hours of sleep or they turn into whiny, destructive demons. Don’t be fooled by their heart-wrenching bedtime supplications such as, “I miss my mother planet. The only thing that will help me is a bowl of ice cream and an hour long back scratch.” So try to go to sleep by 9:00 pm, sacrificing time with your partner with whom you haven’t had an uninterrupted conversation in one to seven years.

Be prepared for friends and family to be blinded by your alien's cuteness and fail to understand your exhaustion. Studies have shown that even those who raised extraterrestrials develop amnesia for the challenges of parenthood. Therefore, they may criticize your parenting and force advice upon you. Do your best to not take it personally - they forget that they too cried in the bathroom alone with a bottle of chardonnay and gave into their alien's pleas for TV and candy for just a moment of peace.

One additional benefit of parenting an alien is that you get to experience the full range of human emotions—unconditional love, bottomless frustration, and stress-induced psychosis. Great material for that novel you’ve been trying to write for ten years! Plus, in 18–30 years your hard work will potentially pay off when your alien will hopefully acquire the integrity, happiness, and success you steered it toward.

Please note: Once obtained, your alien cannot be returned. We are not liable for damage to your property or sanity, nor the burden of medical or behavioral health expenses. Please sign, notarize, and return the attached documents.

Thank you and best of luck!

-Alien Adoptions Agency LLC