How to Make Toast

How to Make Toast

Step 1: Choose Your Bread

It’s important to select a strong, hearty bread that can withstand whichever toppings you choose to add. Whether it’s crunchy peanut butter or a bit of jam, find a bread that’s suited for the job.

Step 2: Adjust the Dial for Desired Doneness

The standard toaster comes with a built‑in dial to determine how “done” you’d like your toast to be. Remember: the higher the number, the darker it will be.

Step 3: Place Slice of Bread into Toaster

Step 4: Turn Toaster On

Step 5: Contemplate Life Choices

During the few minutes you have to wait, you could prepare your plate or toppings. You could even fix yourself a cup of coffee. What you are more likely to do, however, is think about all the choices that led you to this moment. You might even consider drowning your sorrows in a drink or two.

Step 5.5: Are You Happy?

Would you redo it? Why did she leave? Was it your fault? Probably. Could you have fixed it? “Oh, absolutely,” you tell yourself. Is she happy with her new man — the one you saw on her Facebook, which she still hasn’t blocked you from for some reason? I hope not.

Ugh, Todd. We hate Todd. What a complete tool.

Am I having a stroke?

Odds are, at this point, you’re too distracted to notice your toast is burning.

Step 6: Repeat Steps 3–5

Step 7: Go to the Store for More Bread

Now that you’ve run out of bread, it’s time to get to the store and grab a fresh loaf. You may ask yourself, “But it’s almost midnight — where can I go for bread at this hour?” Luckily, most convenience stores are open 24/7 and will likely stock bread.

Step 8: Purchase Bread

Head into the store to make your purchase — but who is that exiting the store?

It’s Todd.

What is he doing here at this hour? Ugh, what an ass. What does she see in him? His good looks? His chiseled physique? Slicked‑back hair? Pale skin? High‑collared cloak? Sharp fangs? Striking red eyes?

Oh my God. This can mean only one thing: Todd is a vampire.

Step 9: Kill Todd

Step 10: Choose a Weapon

While your typical artillery has proven ineffective against a creature of the night, there are a few tried‑and‑true methods for dealing with them: sunlight, beheading, or a wooden stake through the heart. Since it’s the middle of the night and you left your sword at home, the mop handle in the corner will have to do.

Step 11: Get the Target Alone

While this can be dangerous, it’s important to remove any potential bystanders from the vampire’s gaze, as they can become hypnotized and fight alongside it. Find a dark alleyway or enclosed back room to lure him into. Don’t be afraid to show some neck — it’s their favorite feeding spot.

Now that you have him cornered…

Step 12: Insert Rod (A) into Todd (B)

Step 13: Disposing of the Body

With the blood‑sucking fiend finally vanquished, you’re probably asking yourself, “Now what?” The important question is: how long until dawn? The sun will take care of the rest, but the longer you wait, the higher the chance of the body being found.

There is only one logical conclusion: chop it up, load it into your trunk, and drive it to the marsh to bury it.

Step 14: Finding the Ideal Grave Plot

Burying a body can be a daunting task, but it’s important to find a patch that is far enough from trees to avoid roots, yet far enough from the road to avoid any passerby. Always remember to bend your knees and refrain from straining your back. Let the shovel do the work for you — otherwise you’ll be feeling it in the morning.

Step 15: Return to the Store for the Bread and Go Home

You deserve a reward, you hero.

Step 16: Repeat Steps 3–5*

Step 17: Add Butter and Enjoy

There you have it — 17 easy‑to‑follow steps for making the perfect slice of toast.

*This time, remember to watch the toast so it doesn’t burn again, paying no mind to the messages your ex is leaving you asking if you’ve seen Todd. Something about standing her up at some party. She seems upset now — little does she know you saved her life tonight. Don’t worry; you can tell her in the morning when it’s safe out.

You never know what other monsters you might find on Halloween night.