How To Lose Weight

Step One: No Beer

Every time you drink a beer it's like eating seven slices of bread that's a lot of unnecessary carbs

Step Two: Portion Control

When eating out at a restaurant cut your meal in half and ask for a takeout container to save the rest for later

Step Three: Heartbreak and the Gym

Have your heart broken and not just broken but Shattered by a girl who uh never loved you and never will try to get your attention and join a gym. start going to the gym regularly, and even though you don't know that much about exercise and you're way too weak to do pretty much anything but Lift weights with the old people that also want to lose weight.

Do it until your sweat makes a puddle on the floor. then go home and go to bed, and the next day do it again, and then again, and then again.

Work, Pain, and Repetition

Then go to work and listen to stories of your ex-girlfriend playing around with gross and terrible people, stories from your cooworker friends who think they're doing you a favor.

• Pretend that it doesn't bother you.
• Pretend that being forced to see your ex at work every day isn't killing you.
• Pretend that everything's fine.

Go to the gym and make more puddles of sweat. Buy books, learn about different muscle groups and how they work together. Plan out your week of meals. Try to forget her then Back to the gym,

Late Nights and Dark Thoughts

After the gym one night, go all the way up to the top of the parking garage and walk all the way to the back. look out at the lights of the skyscrapers of downtown and think about how every single one of those office lights represents a person.

Try to imagine how they feel, what they're doing. then realize that most of those lights are probably shining into offices with no one in them. Realize you're alone, that you're staring at no one. become cripplingly depressed and try to locate your car.

Apologies and Moving Forward

• Go to sleep.
• Go back to work.
• Go to the gym.
• Sweat.
• Freak the beast out on your ex.

The next day, apologize. one day she wears the necklace you bought her and tells you that she got it from someone really special.

Finding Rhythm at the Gym

That night, you discover that slayer's angel of death might be the perfect song to do squats to. start to make friends at the gym. used to look down on bro nods and fist bumps, but since that's how Gym Rats communicate, that's become the language you speak most often. Max and you spot each other on Wednesdays. Vinnie and you spot each other on Fridays.

Progress and Physical Change

It's important not to forget that you're a piece of inspiration.

• Work
• Gym
• Food
• Sleep,
• Repeat this process (over and over for 30 days).

More fist bumps. more sweat puddles. your body changes slowly, then all at once you hit your goal weight. pick a new one, then hit it again.

Compliments and Relapse

You go out and buy new clothes. you receive wave after wave of compliments. your ex tells you that she's seeing someone else.

Pushing Limits

That night, you go to the gym. you run farther and lift more than you thought your body was capable of. You go home and eat a single chicken breast and steamed vegetables. You go to sleep. You dream of a bottomless black puddle.

The Girl at the Gym

No. no no. There's a girl you see a lot at the gym who always does these weird leg exercises you've never seen before. You make it a point not to look at her because you're overly worried about looking creepy, like that guy in the blue shirt who never wears underwear and always hangs around the lat pull down machine.

But you notice this girl is always at the gym when you are and seems to always choose the bench next to you.

Strength and Self-Doubt

You turn up the Slayer and concentrate on making your puddles bigger. at work, your ex parades your new boyfriend around, flatly ignoring you the entire time. he's taller than you, in better shape than you, and significantly better looking than

Ego and Regret

That night, you bench press double your body weight. you sneak a photo of yourself in the mirror and email to yourself with the subject heading, you are a warrior. The next day, you are are more disgusted with yourself than you've ever been, and you delete it immediately.

Consistency Without End

You make puddle after puddle after puddle and eat single chicken breasts and work and sleep over and over and over and over and over and over.

Meeting Melissa

And then something different happens. a night comes when you're not the last person in the gym. It's you and the girl who does the weird leg exercises. You end up walking out at the same time. her name is Melissa, and she works close by. She asks you out to dinner on Friday, promising it'll be healthy.

A New Routine

The leg exercises are pivoting curtsy lunches. you start seeing Melissa a lot, both inside the gym and out. You had a couple cheat dates to your week. you start getting a lot less sleep. your ex calls you late at night, but you don't answer.

The Lights of Downtown

One night you're walking Melissa to her car and she says she wants to show you something special. you both stand there in the dark, looking out over the lights of downtown. isn't it pretty, she says, with all the those lights.

A Shift in Perspective

you tell her that you think it is, but it also makes you feel sad. all those lights mean nothing. they're just shining into cold lonely offices with nobody in them. but Melissa tells you that each light is an empty office, but they're only empty because the people have all gone home for the day. each one's a person who's at home, happy with the one they love.

Hope

You look at her in the lights and she smiles. something in your chest expands.

One Year Later: The Lesson

Late one Sunday afternoon you're writing out your rent check and realize it's been exactly a year since you started working out. you think of all those miles you've run, those pounds you've lifted, and chicken you've eaten, and puddles you've made, and it doesn't seem that bad.

You realize that it's not about hitting a goal weight or lifting weights. it's about waiting, being patient, and trusting that life will slowly inch along and things will get better. After all, change takes time, but time is all it takes.

Step Four: No Fruit Juice anymore

step four, no fruit juice. too much