How Could You

How could you have been able to do what you did? How? Being able to live knowing all that you've done to such a young, innocent girl... how do you do it? How can you possibly survive just knowing that you destroyed every last bit of hope that little girl had before she even had the slightest chance to grow up? Are you proud of yourself? Are you impressed for having achieved the one thing most haven't been able to achieve?

I put down the pencil and stared back at the piece of paper laying out in front of me. Letting out a sigh, I couldn't believe just how much I wrote down in such a short time. My therapist had told me to write down what I would ask him if given the chance and, well... I just couldn't help but do so in the angriest way possible. I'm sure she'll be quite proud of me, I guess. My therapist has always encouraged me to let out my steam in any form that didn't involve harming my own self so I'm sure this was just some much needed steam I needed to let out. My eyes stared back down at the paper in front of me once again before I went ahead and picked my pencil up once again.

You must be pretty damn proud of yourself right now, am I right? Patting yourself on the back, congratulating yourself for grabbing yourself such a prized possession. Am I right? Probably still tell your friends about that precious girl you managed to win the heart of; it's all fun and games to "the boys" as long as they don't find out how old the girl in question was, isn't that right? The boys probably gave you a standing ovation when they thought their lad found himself such a great score. They probably cheered you on and told you to keep up the good work. Well congratu-fucking-lations Joseph, you bagged yourself a good score. You did it. You won the jackpot.

My face was boiling as I wrote the last couple sentences. Steam felt as if they were shooting out my ears and without thinking, I wanted to stop everything and chuck the notebook across my bedroom, but something told me not to do it.

Screw you, Joseph. Screw you! You fucking destroyed me and you probably don't even give a shit. Why would you? You.. You..

Anger filled my mind but somehow, I couldn't find the right words to express just how much anger I was holding onto the paper laid out in front of me. Goddammit. All these thoughts have been circling my mind for the past year, yet somehow, I can't figure out how I can let it all come out.

Why'd you do it, Joseph? Why? I trusted you. I seriously trusted you. To me, you were the one person I thought I can count on; the one person I thought I could actually label as my best friend. You were my person, Joseph. You. No one else. You. What made you feel like I was the one you could hurt? I thought we were sharing a strong connection. I thought you and I were two souls who were meant to meet.

I let out a sigh as I stared back down at the paper in front of me. Soulmates. My eyes rolled as I thought of comparing me and him to that term.

But what would I have known about soulmates, Joseph? I was thirteen. A child. I've never even had the chance to experience a first love, let alone a "soulmate". You were nineteen. You knew better than me. You knew better, Joseph. You should've known the harm you were doing. Not about whether or not you "scored", or if you'd look cool telling your friends about what you would've done. You should've known better than to force yourself onto a thirteen year old. Freshly graduated from school, just entering the world as an adult, and already you fucked up. You fucked up, Joseph. Not me. You did. Congratulations. You've ruined your own life.

I took a breath. He ruined his life. Not mine. My life is still open to many different possibilities. I can still succeed, even after what he did to try and hurt me in the long run.

Joseph, I may never get my answer to why you had done what you've done... I may never find out why you chose me, or what made me so special in your eyes to do what you did. But there is one thing I do know about what happened between us. You fucked up. Your life changed for the worst. You chose the path that would lead you to become the monster you wanted to become. You ruined your life, not mine. I'm fourteen now, Joseph. About to enter my second year of high school. About to go on a first date with a boy who would do anything to keep me safe. Something you've never done for me. Congratulations, Joseph. You can tell your friends what you did all you want, because guess what?

You still didn't win.